Hi! Sorry this is so long, you can just skim it if you want!
So for the past two months my life has majorly been going downhill. I'm a freshman in high school as well. Normally, I'm happy and bubbly and I love going to concerts, playing basketball and volleyball, playing the guitar, shopping, photography, and I'm a high honors student. I've had diagnosed anxiety since age 5, but never have I had depression. I've been diagnosed with so many different conditions such as panic disorder, obsessive thoughts, GAD, hypochondria, emetephobia, and more- everyone seems to think that I have different and or multiple anxiety disorders. Over Christmas break (about 2 weeks ago) my parents finally got fed up that I was having such a rough time and I got prescribed Zoloft and I've been on a subtheraputic dose because I suffered a bunch of side effects and got really sick (which doesn't help with my hypochondria.) I haven't noticed any difference still and my doctor said that I should go up to a therapeutic dose (40 mL or mg or something? whatever it's measured in) and I suffered severe diarrhea, nausea, and insomnia. I spent the majority of my Christmas break at home in bed because I felt sick almost every day from my anxiety and from side effects. I spoke to my doctor about all the side effects and expressed how I wanted to come off the medication but she suggested that I stay on it, so I am. I also recently went to the doctor for a blood test (which I haven't had in years) and I tested EXTREMELY low for Vitamin D, which effects seratonin levels and mood. Since sixth grade, I have noticed that my anxiety gets very severe during the winter, so Seasonal affective disorder was always a possibility for me, but it was just confirmed that that may be the cause of my torture during the winter, as I live on the northern east coast, so it's not often sunny during the winter and it's absolutely freezing- so I don't get that much Vitamin D. (My level of Vitamin D was 14 when it is supposed to be at least 50/60.) I started taking Vitamin D gummy supplements but the additives in them gave me major diarrhea so I had to stop takingn them today and I have to get a different supplement that's purely Vitamin D.
Anyways, this week was my first week back after break, and it was a mess. Monday was horrible, I had an absolute breakdown and I was convinced that I was going crazy. My obsessive thoughts (which normally only pester me during the winter) were SO strong that I started bawling and I had to go to the school physiologist (who was actually having a meeting with my parents at the time.) My obsessive fear thoughts included the fear of me going crazy, the fear of randomly going crazy and committing *****, and the fear of hurting someone else, all of which are completely against what I think is moral or "normal". Tuesday was better and I went to school with no issues. Wednesday was a little worse and I had a bunch of panic attacks and felt really sick (which either could've been from PMS or the Vitamin D), and then everything went downhill. I couldn't go to school yesterday because I had horrible diarrhea and I felt so sick. I also couldn't go today because I was up late (I literally couldn't sleep as my obsessive thoughts were pestering me so much) and I also had more diarrhea in the middle of the night. I was SO depressed when I woke up, something which is so unlike me and something I've never really experienced because of my anxiety. I've had minor bouts of it some days, but never like this morning. I had a complete breakdown, even with some possible suicidal thoughts (I don't like to say that at all, I never imagined that my life would get so bad to the point where I'd have legitimate thoughts like that) but I'm not sure if it was my normal obsessive FEAR of losing control and committing or if it was serious. Either way, I told my mom about it and she was really supportive and she didn't stress about it (at least around me, but she definitely has everything under control.) And now that I think about it, I've been depressed this whole week and I've actually had issues with getting out of bed, getting dressed, and doing my majeup- things that I used to enjoy doing. I absolutely can't live like this anymore, my grades are dropping, I'm missing school, the school is getting involved and they're trying to help but they're actually making it worse, I've felt sick for 3 weeks, and now I'm depressed. (Forgive me if I'm using that term wrong, because I know that people suffer with clinical depression every day of their lives for long periods of time so I don't mean to incorrectly use it, but it sure does feel like serious depression) I've distanced myself from my friends (which, not to be cocky, I used to have a lot of) and I barely do anything that makes me happy anymore, I haven't been to a concert since December and I didn't try out for basketball or volleyball this year, much to the disappointment of my coaches. I feel like my life is SO out of order and I hate that it doesn't feel normal anymore, which is adding to my anxiety. My appetite is strange as I keep getting diarrhea from medicines and supplements and I've been struggling with insomnia (something I've never had before.) I'm REALLY miserable, and I don't know what to do at this point. Am I going crazy? It sure feels like it, I feel so diconnected and strange every day
Also, I'm getting a 504 plan for school (which gives me the ability to have accommodations, mostly where my absences don't count against me negatively and I have the ability to take tests on alternate locations/get excused from tests, even though acedemics have never been an issue for me.) The school guidance and physology workers will not leave me alone, they made me join a DBT group (which is absolutely useless for my type of disorder) and they constantly get annoyed with me and focus on my anxiety, which doesn't help. The more I focus on my anxiety, the worse I feel. (A perfect example of that would be now.) I do really appreciate their efforts, but going to school is one of the most dreaded activities ever for me now. My parents are super supportive and we all have a great relationship, but I can tell that I'm really stressing everyone out as everyone is normally in a bad mood now (not to me, but I can tell they're upset), so we don't really joke around anymore, which makes things even worse
I just really want my life back, I promised myself that I would try my best to be optimistic and I've watched countless videos on how to be happy, something I normally am, but I'm really struggling, especially because in September and all of last year (8th grade) I would wake up every morning and say how much I love my life, I was actually that happy. I would go do things despite my anxiety and I had a bunch of friends. Now, my friends think I bail on plans/miss school just because I feel like it, because I've only told my 2 best friends about it (and they were so helpful and nice) but I just don't know how to explain why I'm not in class/why I don't go to parties anymore. Also, as a side note, I don't really suffer any of the major depression symptoms like extreme guilt or self hatred, but I definitely do feel bad that I'm taking a toll on so many people around me.
I'm absolutely miserable, so I'd really appreciate if anyone had any tips for me, as in what I should do to make myself feel better (besides going to CBT and a therapist, both of which I do regularly) and taking medicine? I've been trying to leave my house even though I'm really sad and I don't feel like it, but it's been really hard, even though I know I need to leave my house because it will help.
I'm so sorry that this is so long and probably makes no sense, I'm absolutely at my breaking point and I really needed to get that all out even though I said it to my mom earlier, so thanks so much to anyone who read! :)