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Author Topic: Dealing with a Break-Up  (Read 355 times)

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Offline GhostlyBagel

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Dealing with a Break-Up
« on: January 09, 2014, 01:52:32 PM »
Hi guys, I'm new to the site and recently introduced myself.

One of the most pressing concerns I have right now is that I recently had my girlfriend break-up with me a few days ago. I've had a history of anxiety, and I've struggled to make any friends in this city (transferred in from another school) especially since I've been trying to tackle problems that I kept inside for too long. I've (on and off) dealt with depression, substance abuse through alcohol and drugs, and have had suicidal thoughts as well as insomnia due to these things. I know for sure I have anxiety because I get way too nervous in front of people, especially when around people I don't know. Even while dating my girlfriend I was often nervous and overthought things all the time. I was able to control it when around her, however, so she never knew I have had any of these problems.

I'm still trying to figure things out for myself, and I think it's important that I keep at it whatever my marital status is. What shocked me - and I should have picked on this - is that my girlfriend has had a serious case of anxiety. She explained this when we broke up, elaborating with the fact that she had to take medication in high school, hasn't made any friends all school year (while all of her close friends moved away for school) and is so busy that she can barely hangout with me. She definitely recognizes that anxiety is a problem for her. I'm the longest relationship she has had, and it has only lasted about 5 months in total. Most guys only lasted about a month at most.

From what she has told me, she has had trouble getting to a more serious stage of a relationship because:

1. She's still dealing with anxiety, and this has put a toll on her social life. No friends.
2. She is EXTREMELY busy. She is an actress for theatre at our school, is a singer in a band, is a hardworking student and also helps out at home a lot - often cooks meals, does the laundry and other chores.
3. Her lack of experience in dating makes her expect that a guy she should be in a serious relationship should be someone she falls "head over heels" for.

The third point is what bugged me the most, I think. I've been in lengthier relationships before - I don't date often, but I certainly have some experience with it in comparison to her - and I've gradually learned that the whole "magical" part of a relationship (love at first sight, being crazy about someone, etc.) is something that inexperienced people want more of and others come to find that you have to work for a relationship to work. Maybe we weren't the best for each other - but, keeping my biases in mind, I really liked this girl. We share common interests; we love all of the same subjects at university, we enjoy a lot of similar music, we both play music, loves movies, having intelligent conversations, etc.

When it comes down to it, I would appreciate advice from fellow people who deal with anxiety. Have you ever been too scared of commitment? Do you think I should pursue anything later on after we've given each other space? I opened up to her about my anxiety as well, and having some similar problems (though I can't pretend I've gone through the exact same things of course). Should I try to help her with this?

In the end, if I could have her back I would. But I know that, given the circumstances, even if she would want that she would resist it. At the very least, I would love to be friends with her and help her with her anxiety. But I'm not the greatest at determining when that might be, how I might go about it or even how I should bring it up.

/ End rant. Thank you to anyone who is willing to listen, I appreciate it.
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: Dealing with a Break-Up
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2014, 06:42:11 AM »
At best you can try contact her and maybe ask her out for a cup of coffee / lunch and a chat. You even think that things might have went better if you were honest with her about your condition? Not saying she was ever honest with you. Until after it was over. Looks like we have two people who had similar enough problems and both hid them from the other person. This could be a good starting point for any chat with her. She could be just using the anxiety card as an excuse for breaking up with you. Seems she does a lot on stage for a person with anxiety. Acting and in a band. Something most people with anxiety could never manage. I would love to know the type of anxiety she is claiming to have. Don't be afraid to contact her. If that is what you want. But don't go into it expecting much. She seems to know what she wants in life. Or so she said. Long term relationships was not one of them. Play it by ear. Cup of coffee and a chat to begin with. See if she asks to meet up again. See her reaction around you. Then you will be able to tell if she wants to be around you or if this is the end of things. Might be time to let go and move on. Find another person. That is what we call life. Doesn't always go as we planned.
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