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Author Topic: Need urgent advice on 5 year relationship. Please help.  (Read 314 times)

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Offline SK161514

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Need urgent advice on 5 year relationship. Please help.
« on: December 30, 2013, 07:41:23 AM »
I wrote a really long post earlier and it deleted itself ): so I'll make this one brief if I can. I've been going out with my boyfriend(23) for 5 years and I'm 20. I've put in our age because I think it could be relevant. I love him and our relationship works so well, he makes me very happy and we are both happy with our relationship. We live a few miles away from each other and have spent every other day for the last 5 years together although recently I have moved to uni so the dynamic has changed. We still see each other every 2 months for a full month so it works very well, I have been happy with it and so is he.

Although recently I have been getting very bad anxiety while thinking about things. Im aware we began our relationship at a very young age and I'm worried its unrealistic that it will work out. I always wanted to marry him but had never mentioned it because I didn't know if he wanted that, earlier this year we talked about moving in together after uni and told me he wants to marry me. Initially this made me so happy that we wanted the same thing but recently I have been getting anxiety about it all.

I dont really know why I am worried because I love him and he makes me so happy, when Im with him I feel safe and secure. I could see us working out so well and spending our lives together. He helps me through so much and we always manage to work through things. I've told him about my anxiety and he really tried to help me, he says he's really in love with me and he doesnt want to think about us breaking up but he wants me to be happy. He said I should seek advice from someone that can help me so I decided to write on here.

I've been trying to figure out the cause of my anxiety and a few things usually trigger it so I know why I have anxiety but I dont know whether I should end my relationship because of it or try to work it out. I've only ever been with my boyfriend and that scares me a little, I dont have a desire to be with other people but I'm scared that there might be someone out there that is better for me and I dont know it. We began going out at such a young age so im scared that we wont love each other in years to come and that it will be different. I was always infatuated with him but recently I dont feel that way anymore I feel that I love him and am happy. Im worried that I should still feel that head over heels feeling. Im not really interested in sex as much anymore even when we got together after being separated for 2 months  at uni I wanted to kiss him and hug him but I wasnt really interested in having sex. I do enjoy it but I also feel a bit bored of it like its the same thing every time. I dont feel terrified of the thought of us breaking up, I cant remember what its like to not be with him so I dont know if I would be heart broken. I dont want to break up and I really hope this is just how relationships go, I wouldnt know though because this is the only one I've ever had. I know relationships are something that need to be worked at and they aren't always going to be a fairytale. Im just worried that if I'm thinking of getting married to him I should feel a lot more in love. 

Marriage is really important to me and I dont want to make the wrong decision, I see a marriage as something that has to be worked on together but should also bring happiness of course. I just dont want to be at my wedding day in so many years feeling guilty for feeling anxious! I really hope a lot of people feel like this in their relationships and its more fear of the unknown than my heart telling me I'm not in love anymore or something. Please help! Thanks.
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: Need urgent advice on 5 year relationship. Please help.
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2013, 06:04:06 AM »
OK. I put this more down to a relationship issue than an anxiety issue. I mean if you think about any relationship, the best part is nearly always those early years. The chase. Falling in love. Getting to know each other. Let us move five years forward. You have had all the early stuff happen to you. You have enjoyed it all. Now it seems like you have hit a wall. Kind of like nothing is new any more. Everything is the exact same when you meet up. If we are to be honest, some people can get bored with that. I am not saying this is your magical answer. Just my own opinion on what might be happening. You might be looking for change. Couples can do things within relationships to introduce change from the normal mundane stuff they are used to. May sound a bit odd, but you could go to a bar or a club by yourself and he could come in a chat you up. People do these sort of things to add that little bit extra to the relationship. Is a form of role playing. That only the two of you are aware of. In the eyes of a stranger here is some dude doing great chatting a girl up. I know some people would not be into this sort of stuff. Kind of adds a bit of spice to things. He approaches you in various places. Could even be in the shops. Asks your name. Asks have you got a number. It is something you both have to really want to do. From your words it doesn't seem like he is bored or fed up with things. You are made for each other. But you have to try and keep things fresh. I know my methods may sound odd. Not what you were expecting. But one you reach that point were you everything as routine it can become a bit boring. You do look at things. You don't see the fun there that used to be there. I'm not saying you have to go out and do this every night of the week. More have to ask yourself would change in that sense make any sort of difference to the relationship. The only other option would be the tell him how you are thinking. That might send the wrong signals to him. Or if he is man enough you might be both able to work out what is different and how you can make it right. But in order to do that you have to know exactly what is wrong. Just I sense that you might be more bored. Which can happen. I might be a million miles off the right answer too. Slap me if I am wrong.
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Offline SK161514

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Re: Need urgent advice on 5 year relationship. Please help.
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2013, 08:43:43 AM »
Thanks your answer as help, I guess im just looking for reassurance to know that my anxieties arent a bad thing to have. Yeah I'd say it is more of a relationship problem but it has been causing anxiety in my head every day for months now. Yeah I think we do need to work on things to make our relationship more exciting, maybe plan a holiday or something. I guess i'm just going to have to work out whether I think I need to move on cus I am young and maybe I need to be out of this relationship to stop my anxiety and to have more fun etc. I guess I'll just have to work it out.
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Re: Need urgent advice on 5 year relationship. Please help.
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2013, 02:02:17 PM »
Have you ever mentioned your doubts to your boyfriend? Get a bit of feedback. In this case I would follow my heart. Only you know if you really still love him. As far as anxiety is concerned there must be a reason your anxiety suddenly began to appear in the relationship? It wasn't always like that. So what has changed? That is were I got this whole thought of you been bored. Something has changed within the relationship that is making you think like you are. It is either a deal breaker, which means the end of things, or it is something that can be worked out. As a couple. Maybe longer breaks away from him showed you what life is alike other than seeing a person every day of the week. You were now only seen him at the end of the month. Is this when things began to change? The whole idea of living together might have put you off. Something changed somewhere along the way.
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