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Author Topic: Looking for advice  (Read 1057 times)

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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2014, 01:05:53 PM »
Hi hun, I hate to say it but oddly enough I had a passing thought of you this week! Nothing stalkerish or anything, more of a haven't heard from him in a while, wonder how they are doing kind of way.

I'm not sure if I told you this before, but I have an alcoholic (recovering) brother with a son. He loves his baby momma very much but I had to tell him one day that they were the kind of couple that were better apart than together. He finally understands that after years, and I mean YEARS of constant back and forth with baby momma. They have managed to work out a civil and even sometimes loving relationship to coparent their son, but they knew they cannot be together.

I am very sorry to hear things were not going as good as I hoped for you guys. But I need to tell you again that you can't live this way. Its not fair to you and its not fair for your son. I do have to congratulate you on your undying love for your son! Now its time to take a deep breath and live for you and him! I'm not sure she is going to, is capable of, or is willing to change. I would stick by your guns. If you really think you have finally had enough, do not let her push you into staying together. If she hears empty threats all the time, she is going to continue to do what she does and just disregard anything you may say.

I am sending you strength and positive thoughts. I am sure you can get through this!
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #21 on: May 26, 2014, 01:15:57 PM »
How good that you come here and let off steam. It's OK to lose it and still try and keep the ship afloat. Look at your little boy and say, "For you I'll go to the end of the earth."

Quietly ask her to consider couple counseling, if there is still a chance. Take her to look at your little boy. He needs you both. I do believe love can conquer all. Or, you take the route Kissa suggests.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #22 on: May 26, 2014, 01:35:27 PM »
Thanks for the replies.  It really does help to know that there are those that understand.  I fear that kissa is right.  We have gone to couples counseling, and everytime after, she just resumes the same actions.  She goes so far as to say that the therapist doesn't know what he is talking about and I'm just a piece of *****. I get the classic "if you didn't get mad we wouldn't have any problems". I've never met anyone like this in my life.  Completely lacking self awareness and just generally a mean person to someone that they claim to love.  It's really painful to me.  The amount of hurt, and stress she causes me is literally dragging me down.  My coworkers see it.  My family sees it, and they all are saying the same thing.

Get rid of her.

To be honest, if it wasn't for my little guy I would have kicked her out a long time ago and forgotten about her.  Unfortunately, I am tied to her.  However, I just can't bringyself to suffer her anger, nastiness, and completely uncaring attitude anymore. 
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2014, 02:42:08 PM »
Yes, your little guy. That is why we try to go the extra mile and then some.

The way I look at things is people are the result of their own early lives. She repeats what she experienced well before she ever met you. Maybe just understanding that can help a little. Can it be corrected or reversed? It may be an impossible undertaking.

Can you tell her that loving someone means not to use bad language, not to be abusive, not to be irresponsible, etc.? Can you tell her if she keeps this up she'll find herself alone, without you, without her little one? She is risking everything. Let her know it is up to her to regain your trust. And you keep a diary. Just some thoughts.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2014, 03:12:22 PM »
Yes, I have told her those things.  She responded with, fine, makes things easier on me.   She is trying to blame everything on me.  She says it is because I got mad that we are having problems.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2014, 03:45:08 PM »
Why did you get mad? The reality is that men generally have more power, or want more power, and women are no longer so willing to yield power. The man works and supports everyone. The woman's work is insignificant and unrecognized.

Can you both draw a line under all that has transpired and start anew with a clean slate? No grudges? Go away for a day or two and leave little guy with relatives?

May get my head chopped off, but I don't mind. Anything for little one.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #26 on: May 26, 2014, 04:18:19 PM »
No I wouldn't chop your head off.  I wouldn't be here if I was to looking for a fresh set of eyes.

In response to your question, I'm not sure if I understand.  The reason I got mad is:

-financially irresponsible. :  she can't hold down a job without getting fired for being late or mouthing off to her boss.  So she is a stay at home mom.  We came to the agreement that her contribution would be taking care of our son, keeping up on the daily housekeeping and making dinners. 
  Most of this rarely happens.  Honestly I wouldn't care if she made dinner only once or twice a week and cleaned about the same, but she doesn't do it at all.  Then she goes shopping a few times a week and spends way more than we can afford(consistently) and unapologetically

-takes no responsibility for her own mistakes:  if ever there is consequences from her irresponsibility, such as being broke from her spending spree, instead of owning up to it and working together with me, she blames me for not making enough.  It really sucks

-refuses to follow her counselors advice:  everything he tells her gets tossed out the window.  Her exact words are "he doesn't know what he is talking about". Or. "It's all your fault anyway"

-doesn't recognize how her behavior effects her family:  fortunately I am there to step in for the kids, but her short temper and bitchiness has been turned to the kids.  Although I cut it off immediately by stepping in and separating them from her, she still does it and feels no remorse.  She will usually follow it up with telling me I'm a bad parent because I made her look bad by stopping her. 

-treats me rather poorly when she doesn't have everything she wants:  it is quite common for her to call me names, cut me down, tell me she hates me, despises me, I'm a terrible parent, I abandon her at home when I'm at work(I work 8-4 and come right home every day) etc. it is extremely hurtful when she is on these tears. 


Now I understand that reading this, people will probably assume that she is all bad, but that's not true either.  It's almost like a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on.  Her nice side is so incredibly awesome.  Unfortunately I never know which side I will be dealing with.  It can change as quickly as 1 hour or as long as 4-6weeks.  Unfortunately in the last year, it had been becoming more bad than good.  Which is why I've been pulling my hair out.

Also, I do understand that loosing my cool isn't the best strategy, but honestly it comes to a point where I just can't take it anymore.   

I hope that helps clear up your question.  If not, feel free to ask more.  And thank you for taking the time to help me kind of get this off my chest.  I can't tell you guys how much this helps. 

To give you an idea.  My dream scenario for this would be for her to sort out her issues, follow through with the therapists advice and become the productive loving partner I met years ago.  I don't expect perfection or want to have power.  I want to be able to share my life with her and work together on everything. 
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #27 on: May 26, 2014, 05:56:54 PM »
You give a good picture. She is unreasonable and ungrateful, not so uncommon. Life is tough, not a cakewalk. What to do?

Economics don't get any better with separations, as far as I know. She is so lucky to have you. How to make her appreciate all she has is the big problem. As it is, she is jeopardizing everything. And she may have to lose everything to perhaps come to her senses, to become a mature adult and the partner you want and you yourself are. Can you try and reason with her? Help her to maybe get a part time job or get the training she might need? No matter what, always keep your cool, keep a diary. Sure feel for you and your little one, or do you have more than one?
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #28 on: May 26, 2014, 06:07:20 PM »
Ok I will agree with tim here.... keep a diary. *IF* everything goes to ***** and you need some kind of proof for child custody, a diary will probably come in handy.
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
~One Breath at a Time~

 

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