Chat Now!   Member Gallery    Member Articles    Games   Member Groups   Member Blogs   Health News    Bored?

Author Topic: Looking for advice  (Read 777 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline tinam7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2619
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 76
  • Gender: Female
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2014, 08:27:55 AM »
How do I control myself without going nuts about the current culture. The Love word is bandied about a great deal with little to no meaning behind it. It seems you have to correct what her upbringing failed to teach her. If she uses bad language just glare at her, say nothing. Catch the ring and keep it. Let her come crawling back for it. Learn about custody rights when there is no legal contract. Does you State recognize common law unions?

Do it all for your sweet, dear little boy. He did not ask to be born into misery. He just wants to be loved (in the true sense) and be allowed to grow and develop.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Kissa

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • I don't remember what calm and relaxed is...
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2014, 12:42:36 PM »
Ya know, the more I think about you and what is going on, the more I wonder if its *really* anxiety, or if its just being blamed on that. I know my anxiety can get bad enough that every time my husband says something I get annoyed as hell. But I don't know if anxiety can be bad enough that you turn into a Very Mean Nasty B!tch!

She may possibly have anxiety mixed with something else. I am hoping for the sanity of your little boy (I know he doesn't understand what's going on, but he feels it) that she continues to go see the therapist and follows their advise.

Please keep us updated! I'm sending supportive thoughts your way!
Bookmark and Share
Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
~One Breath at a Time~

Offline Confusedandsad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2014, 03:25:47 PM »
Thank you very much for your help and the loan of your ear thus far.  For now the bitchiness has stopped so at least that's something.  Even though I know it won't be permanent, I'll take what I can get at the moment.  Her appointment is Wednesday so I will touch base afterwards and if anything goes on in between.

Honestly, before our son was born, this stuff never happened.  It started after he was born.  Her father also passed away during our pregnancy.  So I know she had a lot going on, but it's been almost two years.  Hopefully this therapist will be a big help and we can get back to being a happy family.  I yearn for that so much, and it really is heartbreaking. 

Anyway, thank you.  If any thoughts come to mind, I'll check back.  If not, I'll talk to you soon.
Bookmark and Share

Offline RedQ

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Rec's: 0
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2014, 03:50:13 AM »
That was my first thought as well - this might be more than just anxiety - but if it started after your son's birth and her father's death, maybe it isn't a personality disorder or anything of that sort. I'm really glad she's seeing a therapist right now, that's all I can say. Hopefully if there are other issues in there, they'll come to light. Otherwise, it may just be that the combination of motherhood and the loss of a parent sent her over the edge.

It's been said before, I know, but I have to say it again: You've done an AMAZING job plowing through all of this so far. I have to say, my ex finally became too much for me with all her crazy, bitchy ways and I just gave up. I might be biased (having eventually backed out of a similar situation), but my first inclination is to tell you to make plans for being on your own.

I will definitely echo previous advice about looking into custody rights. My biggest concern is your son in this situation. If it were just you and her, I'd say just be done with her insanity right now. Love and compassion are all well and good, but there comes a point when you have to admit that you aren't going to be able to save her and you realize it's time for a little self care. Since you two do have a child though, that complicates things... so just keep your options open and do a LOT of research.

In the mean time, stay strong and remember that it's not you. Maybe sometimes you are doing things that justify her being upset, but overall this is definitely her issues spilling over on to you. Don't let that ever influence the way you see yourself, and please be careful not to let her beat you down into your own dark place.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Confusedandsad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2014, 12:46:11 PM »
Hello again everyone.  I wanted to thank you all again for your help.  Just knowing I can get things off my chest here with understanding folks has been a huge help for me.  Unfortunately, I didn't take all the advice I got(I stayed to try to work things out).  After Christmas, things sort of leveled out a little. Unfortunately again, it didn't last. I was getting to my wits end, when, in a rare moment of clarity, she returned to counseling to work on her end.
She was diagnosed with adhd.  The gentleman that she is seeing is a really nice guy, who when I went in to see him has been trying to help her sort out her issues.  Up until last week, everything seems to be going back on track.  Well, as has been the norm, my hopes for a happy family and stable life have been crushed again. 
This week she has been completely out in left field. I go to work and come home, when I get home I start cleaning the house and taking care of our son because she isn't attending to her responsibilities here.  Every night she dissapears into a project or to visit friends and help them.  I've been going nonstop.  Obviously my resentment and frustration has been building and building. 
Anyway, on to the main event(so to speak). The last three weekends, she has completely dissapeared to help her friends and go visiting.  She leaves early, and comes home late.  Does not help with anything around here and when I ask for help, says she is too busy and I can do it.  As far as my son, when I asked her to help with him, she said "your a parent, I watch him while your at work."  Ugh.
Well, this is the third weekend in a row this has been happening and this last week she did it every night.  And then yestersay, I was supposed to have the day to fix my truck(we are down to one car), mow the lawn, and generally catch up on things I haven't been able to due to covering for her.  When I got home from my run to town to get part, she was getting ready to leave.  Told me my son was napping and she was heading out. 

I lost it. 

All the anger and resentment came to the surface.  All my disappointment on her flooded me to the core.  I tried to remain calm, but there was no hope.  When I said that she was supposed to take care of our son, and she has been taking off constantly and it wasn't fair.  She responded with a "tough *****".   Well, not calmly or quietly at all, I told her that was it.  If she left, don't come back.  I'm tired of your attitude and not taking care of your responsibilities.  She reaponded with baseless accusations, stuck her tongue out at me(yes, very wtf moment for me) and finished getting ready and left.  I sent her a text telling her I'm extremely dissapointed, I can't do this anymore, and unless she returned at a reasonable time and discussed the info her doc gave us to help cope with her issues, I wasn't going to continue the relationship and she wasn't welcome back.

She didn't respond, but called me 3 hours later.  She was slurring her speech. She had gone to her friends and started drinking (by herself) and now was too drunk to drive and was belligerent.  I told her that I was dissapointed.  She left me and my son with no car, got drunk, and was continuing to drink andbe an asshole(sorry for the language.). After she hung up on me, I tried to call her back but she wouldn't answer.  So I sent her a text that it was over.  Do not return.  And she could call to get her stuff another day, or have her mother do so.  She had no response.  An hour later she texts me to ask if our son is up and she was coming home.  I told her don't bother.  She had just told me that she didn't need to see him because she sees him all week.  That she didn't care that I was upset or if we split.  I warned her that she was not welcome, and she shouldn't drive anyway because she had been drinking all night. 

Anyway, about 2am I finally fell asleep in the chair in my sons room. I didn't hear from her so I hoped she would just be gone.  When I woke up this morning, she was on the couch.  There was a note to me that she hoped we could enjoy Memorial Day and sort out our differences. At the end it said she loved me.   Here it is, quarter to one and she is still passed out on the couch.  I needed to get this off my chest because my anger is rising.  I want her gone.   I just don't know what to do anymore.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Kissa

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • I don't remember what calm and relaxed is...
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #20 on: May 26, 2014, 01:05:53 PM »
Hi hun, I hate to say it but oddly enough I had a passing thought of you this week! Nothing stalkerish or anything, more of a haven't heard from him in a while, wonder how they are doing kind of way.

I'm not sure if I told you this before, but I have an alcoholic (recovering) brother with a son. He loves his baby momma very much but I had to tell him one day that they were the kind of couple that were better apart than together. He finally understands that after years, and I mean YEARS of constant back and forth with baby momma. They have managed to work out a civil and even sometimes loving relationship to coparent their son, but they knew they cannot be together.

I am very sorry to hear things were not going as good as I hoped for you guys. But I need to tell you again that you can't live this way. Its not fair to you and its not fair for your son. I do have to congratulate you on your undying love for your son! Now its time to take a deep breath and live for you and him! I'm not sure she is going to, is capable of, or is willing to change. I would stick by your guns. If you really think you have finally had enough, do not let her push you into staying together. If she hears empty threats all the time, she is going to continue to do what she does and just disregard anything you may say.

I am sending you strength and positive thoughts. I am sure you can get through this!
Bookmark and Share
Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
~One Breath at a Time~

Offline tinam7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2619
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 76
  • Gender: Female
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #21 on: May 26, 2014, 01:15:57 PM »
How good that you come here and let off steam. It's OK to lose it and still try and keep the ship afloat. Look at your little boy and say, "For you I'll go to the end of the earth."

Quietly ask her to consider couple counseling, if there is still a chance. Take her to look at your little boy. He needs you both. I do believe love can conquer all. Or, you take the route Kissa suggests.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Confusedandsad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #22 on: May 26, 2014, 01:35:27 PM »
Thanks for the replies.  It really does help to know that there are those that understand.  I fear that kissa is right.  We have gone to couples counseling, and everytime after, she just resumes the same actions.  She goes so far as to say that the therapist doesn't know what he is talking about and I'm just a piece of *****. I get the classic "if you didn't get mad we wouldn't have any problems". I've never met anyone like this in my life.  Completely lacking self awareness and just generally a mean person to someone that they claim to love.  It's really painful to me.  The amount of hurt, and stress she causes me is literally dragging me down.  My coworkers see it.  My family sees it, and they all are saying the same thing.

Get rid of her.

To be honest, if it wasn't for my little guy I would have kicked her out a long time ago and forgotten about her.  Unfortunately, I am tied to her.  However, I just can't bringyself to suffer her anger, nastiness, and completely uncaring attitude anymore. 
Bookmark and Share

Offline tinam7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2619
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 76
  • Gender: Female
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2014, 02:42:08 PM »
Yes, your little guy. That is why we try to go the extra mile and then some.

The way I look at things is people are the result of their own early lives. She repeats what she experienced well before she ever met you. Maybe just understanding that can help a little. Can it be corrected or reversed? It may be an impossible undertaking.

Can you tell her that loving someone means not to use bad language, not to be abusive, not to be irresponsible, etc.? Can you tell her if she keeps this up she'll find herself alone, without you, without her little one? She is risking everything. Let her know it is up to her to regain your trust. And you keep a diary. Just some thoughts.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Confusedandsad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2014, 03:12:22 PM »
Yes, I have told her those things.  She responded with, fine, makes things easier on me.   She is trying to blame everything on me.  She says it is because I got mad that we are having problems.
Bookmark and Share

Offline tinam7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2619
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 76
  • Gender: Female
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2014, 03:45:08 PM »
Why did you get mad? The reality is that men generally have more power, or want more power, and women are no longer so willing to yield power. The man works and supports everyone. The woman's work is insignificant and unrecognized.

Can you both draw a line under all that has transpired and start anew with a clean slate? No grudges? Go away for a day or two and leave little guy with relatives?

May get my head chopped off, but I don't mind. Anything for little one.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Confusedandsad

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #26 on: May 26, 2014, 04:18:19 PM »
No I wouldn't chop your head off.  I wouldn't be here if I was to looking for a fresh set of eyes.

In response to your question, I'm not sure if I understand.  The reason I got mad is:

-financially irresponsible. :  she can't hold down a job without getting fired for being late or mouthing off to her boss.  So she is a stay at home mom.  We came to the agreement that her contribution would be taking care of our son, keeping up on the daily housekeeping and making dinners. 
  Most of this rarely happens.  Honestly I wouldn't care if she made dinner only once or twice a week and cleaned about the same, but she doesn't do it at all.  Then she goes shopping a few times a week and spends way more than we can afford(consistently) and unapologetically

-takes no responsibility for her own mistakes:  if ever there is consequences from her irresponsibility, such as being broke from her spending spree, instead of owning up to it and working together with me, she blames me for not making enough.  It really sucks

-refuses to follow her counselors advice:  everything he tells her gets tossed out the window.  Her exact words are "he doesn't know what he is talking about". Or. "It's all your fault anyway"

-doesn't recognize how her behavior effects her family:  fortunately I am there to step in for the kids, but her short temper and bitchiness has been turned to the kids.  Although I cut it off immediately by stepping in and separating them from her, she still does it and feels no remorse.  She will usually follow it up with telling me I'm a bad parent because I made her look bad by stopping her. 

-treats me rather poorly when she doesn't have everything she wants:  it is quite common for her to call me names, cut me down, tell me she hates me, despises me, I'm a terrible parent, I abandon her at home when I'm at work(I work 8-4 and come right home every day) etc. it is extremely hurtful when she is on these tears. 


Now I understand that reading this, people will probably assume that she is all bad, but that's not true either.  It's almost like a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on.  Her nice side is so incredibly awesome.  Unfortunately I never know which side I will be dealing with.  It can change as quickly as 1 hour or as long as 4-6weeks.  Unfortunately in the last year, it had been becoming more bad than good.  Which is why I've been pulling my hair out.

Also, I do understand that loosing my cool isn't the best strategy, but honestly it comes to a point where I just can't take it anymore.   

I hope that helps clear up your question.  If not, feel free to ask more.  And thank you for taking the time to help me kind of get this off my chest.  I can't tell you guys how much this helps. 

To give you an idea.  My dream scenario for this would be for her to sort out her issues, follow through with the therapists advice and become the productive loving partner I met years ago.  I don't expect perfection or want to have power.  I want to be able to share my life with her and work together on everything. 
Bookmark and Share

Offline tinam7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2619
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 76
  • Gender: Female
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #27 on: May 26, 2014, 05:56:54 PM »
You give a good picture. She is unreasonable and ungrateful, not so uncommon. Life is tough, not a cakewalk. What to do?

Economics don't get any better with separations, as far as I know. She is so lucky to have you. How to make her appreciate all she has is the big problem. As it is, she is jeopardizing everything. And she may have to lose everything to perhaps come to her senses, to become a mature adult and the partner you want and you yourself are. Can you try and reason with her? Help her to maybe get a part time job or get the training she might need? No matter what, always keep your cool, keep a diary. Sure feel for you and your little one, or do you have more than one?
Bookmark and Share

Offline Kissa

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 108
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • I don't remember what calm and relaxed is...
    • Poke This Member
Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #28 on: May 26, 2014, 06:07:20 PM »
Ok I will agree with tim here.... keep a diary. *IF* everything goes to ***** and you need some kind of proof for child custody, a diary will probably come in handy.
Bookmark and Share
Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
~One Breath at a Time~

 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
34 Replies
6002 Views
Last post October 15, 2006, 04:47:31 PM
by Tryn2Understand
5 Replies
2037 Views
Last post December 13, 2006, 04:35:24 PM
by jerseygirl
5 Replies
1927 Views
Last post December 13, 2006, 04:55:07 PM
by kiwi
0 Replies
1067 Views
Last post December 21, 2006, 02:29:22 PM
by sy79
3 Replies
792 Views
Last post July 21, 2011, 08:34:12 AM
by jennjennxx