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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2014, 07:49:00 PM »
Well, the new year is here and just like that change again.  For whatever reason, she has been acting very nice and happy the last two days.  Though, no discussion ever took place about everything that has been going on, she is acting like everything is fine.  While I do enjoy the happy time, I'm just so confused.  She did say sorry for saying mean things, but that was it.  A quick sorry and all is ok?  Obviously I am very happy to have my loving fiance back, I'm just worried.  Did she mean it when she said she didn't love me?  Where did all the anger go?  I just don't understand.  For now, as usual I'm just trying to roll with the punches and hope this lasts at least a little bit. 

I really appreciate the opportunity to vent to you guys and gals.  It's really been a huge relief to me, and the words of support mean a lot.  I wish I could understand what is going on, but I'm not even sure logic or reason has anything to do with it.  I just hope the loving fiance is the real one, though I am still nervous. 
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2014, 07:51:52 AM »
This is good news, but be on the lookout. Keep that record because it is easy to forget and confuse.

Try and have a discussion about "love." What is meant by it? Regarding you? Regarding herself? Her family? Above all, your boy?
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2014, 07:04:55 PM »
Hello again everyone,
   I know it's been some time since I have posted on the site, but things were going well.  Unfortunately, it seems it's all right back to the dumps.  :(
   I really don't get it.  I don't understand how almost a month can go by, we are getting along well, I'm so happy, then poof, just like that, the engagement ring is taken off and I'm the worst person in the world and we are completely incompatible.  Literally two days ago, she remarked how happy she has been, how much she loves me, how we haven't been having any issues.  We have a small disagreement and wham, "we fight all the time". "Your an asshole". "You are hiding stuff"(not really sure what that's all about as she had no response.). "Your family are all talking about me behind my back" (they aren't and are quite nice to her.) etc etc. 
   
  Maybe I should start from the beginning.
 
  Yesterday I was sick with a bad stomach bug that had gotten everyone else in the house, her included, and I was the last.  It was horrible to say the least.  That same day was a viewing for her friends grandmother.  Now my fiancÚ still was not feeling the greatest, our son was still sick, and I was at the worst stage of it.  Earlier in the day she said "I talked to <friend with grandmother that passed> and she said that since we were still sick not to worry about coming."  I think to myself, thank god because I could really use some help here. 
   Well, I fall asleep, and wake a couple shirt hours later to her getting ready.  I said, "where are you going?"  She was getting ready to go to the viewing.  Also she told me she couldn't find a sitter so I had to watch our son.  As I was in no shape to do so, I said "honey I can't, I feel like I'm dieing"  so she said she would just take our son.  He is 18 months old, and still not feeling well.  I told her I don't think that he should be taken to a viewing as he is so young and he is still sick.  This is when she started getting angry.
   Anyway, she called her mother(who also was I'll with the same bug) her mother said she was feeling a but better so she supposed she could watch him for a little bit.  When she told me her plan, I said "honey, please I feel horrible, I could really use your help here."  (When she was real sick the day before, I took care of her and my son all day.  Checked her temp constantly, kept her with fluids, crackers, anything she needed.  Only took an hour and a half while her and son napped to shovel the drive of the 10 inches of snow we got the night before. 
   Somehow, that meant to her that I was saying she wasn't allowed to go to her friend's grandmother's viewing.  Even though I made sure to say that instead of going to the viewing, please help me and go to the funeral tomorrow.  Well, she got extremely pissed.  Started telling me I was insensitive, a jerk, I was controlling, etc.  a good 45 minutes of just verbally laying into me before I begged her to stop and just leave me alone.  It sucked, a lot.   So, she went.  Didn't come home until 9:30.  When she did, she was still pissy.  I went to sleep for the night and hoped it would pass.
   Unfortunately this morning, when she woke, she was still angry and looking to fight.  She started telling me that her friend was like a sister and I have no right to tell her she can't go be there for her.  I kept trying to explain that I wasn't trying to do that, I was asking her to be there for me, and for her friend at the funeral.  (I understand that may be a selfish thing on my part, but I was extremely sick.). The more I tried to explain the more angry she got.  I could see the anxiety take over and just turn her into a monster.  She started saying horrible hurtful things about me, my parenting, my parents, everything.  She said she was leaving. I was so taken back all I could say was what was on my mind.  "What kind of fiancÚ does this?"  That's when the ring came through the air. 
   Anyway, I left for a bit to let things calm down.  I bought some parts for her car that it needed (plugs/wires) and headed home.  I spent a couple hours under the hood, took it for a test drive, and put gas in it.  When I came inside, she was acting quiet.  I sat down and started playing with our son, not really sure what to do.  Soon after she said "so what do you think?  Is it over?  Are you done with our relationship?"  Obviously I was still hurt, so I told her that I don't want to see it end, but being treated like this is terrible.   I told her that the things she said were inexcusable.  She apologized for what she said about my family, but I could see her expression starting to change.  I could hear her voice speeding up.  I kept my cool and did my best bit to feed it but to stand my ground about how she treated me.  Ended with her telling me I'm an asshole again, she can't talk to me.  I'm the reason for her anxiety.  And she left for a drive. 
   She just returned as I was feeding our son.  Said she took 1.5 Xanax and said she didn't want to talk, I'm not allowed to talk and that I shouldn't ruin it for her.  She made a comment about leaving for good, so I asked if that is where it was at.  She said that she didn't say that.

I am so damned confused.  Hurt.  Sad.  Just generally wtf.

Can anyone make any sense of this?  Is it really her anxiety causing her actions?  Does it make you forget every promise you've made and just blame others?  Or should I just give up?
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2014, 07:38:54 PM »
I was beginning to think things were getting better for you guys. I guess not. Unfortunately, I do not have the right to tell you want you should do. Nobody does. I so understand you wanting to be there for your son. However, that doesn't sound like a healthy environment for him to be in! And very unhealthy for you as well. From what you wrote, no matter how nice and thoughtful you are, she gets angry anyway. That's not fair to anyone in that situation! Also, from what you wrote, there doesn't look like she is going to change or get help any time soon.

So, I say this knowing that it will probably cause you heartache, maybe you need to spend some time apart. Do you have your parents or a friends house that you can crash at for a bit? Dare I say you are in a very abusive relationship and that is not good! Maybe you guys are one of those couples that are better apart than together. Make a commitment to ALWAYS be there for your son! Forgive me for saying this but, if you get to spend some time away from her, and it is making you happier, try and get custody of your son!

I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear. But I am speaking from personal experience. My brother and his baby momma just can't make it work no matter how hard they both try. He is a recovering alcoholic, and she is depressed possibly bi-polar. They are friends amazingly, which makes it easier on my nephew.

Feel free to vent to me or the board. Feel free to tell me to f off! As I write this, I am thinking of you and your son's health and well being. Remember, you are not alone.
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2014, 08:15:41 PM »
Hi kissa. 
  I've got to be honest and say what you wrote has certainly been on my mind.  However on the other side of the coin is, she has started seeing a counselor.  (Saw her once, she is returning this week ) and during our good time there, she had started reading about anxiety and talked to me about it.  Things like she sees how her anxiety has been interfering in our relationship.  How her anger hurts me, etc.  there was a little forward progress in between or so I thought.
  What the big question is, is anxiety this powerful to make her forget about that stuff when it hits?  Could this be a setback and I should keep on for the touchdown?  Or is this just indicative of a situation that's better off laid to rest?
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2014, 08:27:55 AM »
How do I control myself without going nuts about the current culture. The Love word is bandied about a great deal with little to no meaning behind it. It seems you have to correct what her upbringing failed to teach her. If she uses bad language just glare at her, say nothing. Catch the ring and keep it. Let her come crawling back for it. Learn about custody rights when there is no legal contract. Does you State recognize common law unions?

Do it all for your sweet, dear little boy. He did not ask to be born into misery. He just wants to be loved (in the true sense) and be allowed to grow and develop.
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2014, 12:42:36 PM »
Ya know, the more I think about you and what is going on, the more I wonder if its *really* anxiety, or if its just being blamed on that. I know my anxiety can get bad enough that every time my husband says something I get annoyed as hell. But I don't know if anxiety can be bad enough that you turn into a Very Mean Nasty B!tch!

She may possibly have anxiety mixed with something else. I am hoping for the sanity of your little boy (I know he doesn't understand what's going on, but he feels it) that she continues to go see the therapist and follows their advise.

Please keep us updated! I'm sending supportive thoughts your way!
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
~One Breath at a Time~

Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2014, 03:25:47 PM »
Thank you very much for your help and the loan of your ear thus far.  For now the bitchiness has stopped so at least that's something.  Even though I know it won't be permanent, I'll take what I can get at the moment.  Her appointment is Wednesday so I will touch base afterwards and if anything goes on in between.

Honestly, before our son was born, this stuff never happened.  It started after he was born.  Her father also passed away during our pregnancy.  So I know she had a lot going on, but it's been almost two years.  Hopefully this therapist will be a big help and we can get back to being a happy family.  I yearn for that so much, and it really is heartbreaking. 

Anyway, thank you.  If any thoughts come to mind, I'll check back.  If not, I'll talk to you soon.
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Offline RedQ

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2014, 03:50:13 AM »
That was my first thought as well - this might be more than just anxiety - but if it started after your son's birth and her father's death, maybe it isn't a personality disorder or anything of that sort. I'm really glad she's seeing a therapist right now, that's all I can say. Hopefully if there are other issues in there, they'll come to light. Otherwise, it may just be that the combination of motherhood and the loss of a parent sent her over the edge.

It's been said before, I know, but I have to say it again: You've done an AMAZING job plowing through all of this so far. I have to say, my ex finally became too much for me with all her crazy, bitchy ways and I just gave up. I might be biased (having eventually backed out of a similar situation), but my first inclination is to tell you to make plans for being on your own.

I will definitely echo previous advice about looking into custody rights. My biggest concern is your son in this situation. If it were just you and her, I'd say just be done with her insanity right now. Love and compassion are all well and good, but there comes a point when you have to admit that you aren't going to be able to save her and you realize it's time for a little self care. Since you two do have a child though, that complicates things... so just keep your options open and do a LOT of research.

In the mean time, stay strong and remember that it's not you. Maybe sometimes you are doing things that justify her being upset, but overall this is definitely her issues spilling over on to you. Don't let that ever influence the way you see yourself, and please be careful not to let her beat you down into your own dark place.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #19 on: May 26, 2014, 12:46:11 PM »
Hello again everyone.  I wanted to thank you all again for your help.  Just knowing I can get things off my chest here with understanding folks has been a huge help for me.  Unfortunately, I didn't take all the advice I got(I stayed to try to work things out).  After Christmas, things sort of leveled out a little. Unfortunately again, it didn't last. I was getting to my wits end, when, in a rare moment of clarity, she returned to counseling to work on her end.
She was diagnosed with adhd.  The gentleman that she is seeing is a really nice guy, who when I went in to see him has been trying to help her sort out her issues.  Up until last week, everything seems to be going back on track.  Well, as has been the norm, my hopes for a happy family and stable life have been crushed again. 
This week she has been completely out in left field. I go to work and come home, when I get home I start cleaning the house and taking care of our son because she isn't attending to her responsibilities here.  Every night she dissapears into a project or to visit friends and help them.  I've been going nonstop.  Obviously my resentment and frustration has been building and building. 
Anyway, on to the main event(so to speak). The last three weekends, she has completely dissapeared to help her friends and go visiting.  She leaves early, and comes home late.  Does not help with anything around here and when I ask for help, says she is too busy and I can do it.  As far as my son, when I asked her to help with him, she said "your a parent, I watch him while your at work."  Ugh.
Well, this is the third weekend in a row this has been happening and this last week she did it every night.  And then yestersay, I was supposed to have the day to fix my truck(we are down to one car), mow the lawn, and generally catch up on things I haven't been able to due to covering for her.  When I got home from my run to town to get part, she was getting ready to leave.  Told me my son was napping and she was heading out. 

I lost it. 

All the anger and resentment came to the surface.  All my disappointment on her flooded me to the core.  I tried to remain calm, but there was no hope.  When I said that she was supposed to take care of our son, and she has been taking off constantly and it wasn't fair.  She responded with a "tough *****".   Well, not calmly or quietly at all, I told her that was it.  If she left, don't come back.  I'm tired of your attitude and not taking care of your responsibilities.  She reaponded with baseless accusations, stuck her tongue out at me(yes, very wtf moment for me) and finished getting ready and left.  I sent her a text telling her I'm extremely dissapointed, I can't do this anymore, and unless she returned at a reasonable time and discussed the info her doc gave us to help cope with her issues, I wasn't going to continue the relationship and she wasn't welcome back.

She didn't respond, but called me 3 hours later.  She was slurring her speech. She had gone to her friends and started drinking (by herself) and now was too drunk to drive and was belligerent.  I told her that I was dissapointed.  She left me and my son with no car, got drunk, and was continuing to drink andbe an asshole(sorry for the language.). After she hung up on me, I tried to call her back but she wouldn't answer.  So I sent her a text that it was over.  Do not return.  And she could call to get her stuff another day, or have her mother do so.  She had no response.  An hour later she texts me to ask if our son is up and she was coming home.  I told her don't bother.  She had just told me that she didn't need to see him because she sees him all week.  That she didn't care that I was upset or if we split.  I warned her that she was not welcome, and she shouldn't drive anyway because she had been drinking all night. 

Anyway, about 2am I finally fell asleep in the chair in my sons room. I didn't hear from her so I hoped she would just be gone.  When I woke up this morning, she was on the couch.  There was a note to me that she hoped we could enjoy Memorial Day and sort out our differences. At the end it said she loved me.   Here it is, quarter to one and she is still passed out on the couch.  I needed to get this off my chest because my anger is rising.  I want her gone.   I just don't know what to do anymore.
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