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Offline Confusedandsad

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Looking for advice
« on: December 29, 2013, 09:12:25 PM »
Hello everyone,
  To begin, I'm having a very hard time with my fiance currently,  she has an anxiety disorder (not sure of exact diagnosis) and perhaps some depression (also not exact diagnosis but observation by her doctor.). Anyway, we went to counseling a little over a year ago because she was always angry and unable to even talk anything out with me without her anxiety taking over and her becoming very angry and mean.  When I say mean, I'm talking yelling, calling me every nasty thing she can think of, and blaming me for everything, even things she had recently apologized for.  Now, I'm not perfect, but I try to be patient and logical.  Unfortunately that just makes things worse and eventually after listening to unfounded accusations and attacks on me I will get mad. 

Anyway, when we went to the therapist, she thought he was going to tell me that everything was my fault.  (Her words). When we were there, he pretty much backed me up as far as most of our unresolved conflicts and main points of arguing.  He tried to help us come up with a better way to communicate since she despised my logical analyzing way of approaching problems.  Unfortunately she didn't like any of the answers he had, so he asked her to tell him next session how she would like to have things discussed with her.  She was supposed to go alone this time, and never returned.

Well, after that, things kinda leveled out.  She wasn't being inconsiderate toward me, or mean, and the fighting died down massively.  Other than normal bickering between two people, there wasn't much trouble.  For a few months, everything was good.  Unfortunately it didn't last.  She started getting into a period of sadness.  She couldn't get to sleep at night(ended up staying up all night) and then when finally getting to sleep, she would sleep most of the day.  She would always wear pajamas, had no interest in any sort of intimate contact with me, not even cuddling on the couch for a movie.  Stopped cleaning, and generally went into what I can only call a dormant state.  She complained about body aches, always being tired, etc.  at first she decided to start taking amphetamine diet pills without telling me(got them from a friend) to counteract her lethargy.  Well, that just continued the sleepless cycle and she kept on with feeling down.  Finally, after three doctors recommendations and my urging, she tried Zoloft.  That at first made her not feel well, so they switched her to Prozac.  Once she was on the Prozac, she leveled out.  Even during her depression, her anxiety attacks continued but with Prozac they pretty much ceased.  She was able to talk without getting confused about issues.  She wasn't always angry, and other than our sex life, things were great. 

   Then, she started talking to her friends about how she didn't think she needed the pills, and after one of them who is in the medical field told her she probably didn't, she stopped taking them.  Slowly but surely, everything started going to hell.  She started getting angry more often.  She started being inconsiderate toward me, and started telling me that I'm a an asshole for being upset when she would do something hurtful. 

Anyway, this continued on and progressively got worse.  It really peaked around thanksgiving, and then through Christmas (this year) got extremely bad.  She started obsessing over the holidays, not sleeping, and taking amphetamines again.  Of course, she continued taking daily xanax(double her prescribed amount, gets two prescriptions a month, hers and her friends)  and her anger kept crawling up.  No matter what happened, if she snapped on me for no reason and apologized, later on it was my fault.  Everything became my fault.  Literally everything.

Finally tonight, after us arguing all the time because of her being mean and short tempered, she left to go visit some friends and sent me a text that she wasn't coming home.  She had our one year old son with her.  Sh told me that she doesn't know if she wants to be engaged anymore, that I'm the cause of her anxiety, and that she was going to stay with her mom.  What happened to trigger it?  Well, she told me today that she returned a Christmas present she got for me and that she owed me one because she spent the money.  I didn't say much of anything because obviously it upset me a bit, but she kept pushing asking what was wrong.  I told her that it was a pretty shitty thing to do.  She apologized and I thought she meant it, that was the end of it, or so I thought.  Then, she was on the phone a bit later with her friend making plans for this evening(even though she made plans with me for this evening).  Thy were discussing the weather.  I had just watched the news and told her, it's cold now, and the rain is supposed to switch to sleet/freezing rain tonight.  She snapped at me because I talked to her while she was on the phone.  A little later, she asked me to keep an eye on our son while he ate in his chair.  I was like 10 feet away in the same room and said I would.  Apparently she wanted me to go sit next to him and since I didn't she got mad.  Anyway, she started bitching at me, saying I was an ahole and many other choice words.  I asked her why, she said because I made her feel bad about returning the gift and spending the money.  Because I talked to her while she was on the phone, and because I didn't sit where she wanted me to when our son was eating.  That is when she left, and shortly after sent me the text that she wasn't coming home.

Ok, so now that I think I covered most of it.  What am I to do?  I try to be tolerant of her outbursts and blaming and mood swings, but sometimes it gets to be too much.  Am I just supposed to never let her know that her behavior toward me is hurtful for fear of making her feel bad?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Is there anyone that has seen similar problems, what happened in the end? 
We have talked about counseling again, and again she thinks that they will tell me I'm completely to blame.  She even gets mad at me because at the last therapists advice, when we argue, I write down what happened, how I felt, etc.  since she doesn't she says I'm stockpiling things to attack her with.  I really don't know if I can continue much more with this relationship like this.  Any advice would be appreciated.
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Offline knittykitty

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2013, 07:15:55 AM »
She needs help to see that there is something eating her up inside (depression / anxiety, you name it) which is doing this to her, and in turn causing her to be like this to you. At the moment it sounds like she's just fighting it. She needs to find someone she can trust to talk to.

However as I see it she also has no trust in an consultants / therapists so it is going to be tough to get her to find one she likes but she has to, she'll never find her own peace if she doesn't and she certainly won't find peace and contentment in you until she finds it in herself. I fear also for your son witnessing this.

Have you any female therapists locally she can talk to? Someone new and independant she can go on her own?
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Online tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2013, 08:29:02 AM »
I can't tell you how painful it is to read this. Why?? Your little boy. Your little boy. I am sorry to say this seems to me an example of the  self-centered times of today, as I see things.

Clearly, she needs professional help. You take the high road as best you can. You are very important to your little boy. Do not let her get between the two of you. Support her therapy. Help her to grow up. Please know I wish the best for both of you. Don't give up.

What lingers in my head is a woman and her little boy I met on a walk. She was new here, asked me a few questions and introduced me to her little Thomas whose father is not here, she told me. The image of adorable Thomas lingers in my head.
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2013, 09:08:53 AM »
The very first thing I want to say to you is that (I hope this doesn't sound corny or anything) I have to applaud you for being a VERY STRONG MAN and are willing to stay with her and try to get her the help she needs! Many MANY men would just walk away.

Now, that said, I have to wonder if perhaps she is bipolar with long cycles. My brother is this way and he can go months at a time being perfectly happy and fine, then the cycle will switch and he will be the lowest of lows for months. Unfortunately for him, he self medicated and turned into an alcoholic. Me, being his sister, and his baby's momma couldn't tell him anything, because he didn't want to hear it. FINALLY he hit his low and realized himself he needed help. He has now been a recovering alcoholic for about 3 years and I couldn't be prouder of him!

Where am I going with this? Like I said, you are being an awesome man by sticking by her even though things sound bad. Do you have any friends that she trusts and is close with that maybe can talk to her? That may be what helps her see she needs help! Perhaps you are just to close to the situation for her to listen to you.

And this may be a VERY unpopular statement, but here goes... if she is not ready to get help, then she may not invest in the help and therefore, it will be useless. If you are determined to help her and stick by her for your little boy, then I want you to remember you have found a good community here. We may not be the best at giving advise but we are always here for support!

Best of luck to you!!!
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Online tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2013, 09:13:40 AM »
Beautiful post, K. Yes, we want to be here to support him.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2013, 10:25:39 AM »
@knitty, well as far as therapists I'm not sure.  I agree with the assessment that she doesn't trust any therapists and even though she tells me that she is going to talk to someone, it never happens so I'm just sort of losing hope. 

I suppose the best if can hope for is that she follows through with her latest promise to talk to someone.  Thank you all for the words of support, they do make me feel a bit better. 

For now, is there any advice on dealing with the mood swings and anger?  I mean, the only way I've found to keep things so what smooth is to never say anything about issues, or disagreements.  Though, I find this really isn't easy or helpful on my end. 

As an update, last night, she called me late, about 9:00.  Said she would come home with our son, but had conditions.  I wasn't allowed to talk to her.  Not just about the issues of the day, but anything pertaining. To disagreements past and present, or about her anxiety.  She told me I'm the cause of her anxiety.  :(.

Obviously, I agreed for the sake of our son returning home to his bed and home, but I am more inclined to think that he couldn't find a comfortable place to lay her head for the night.  She despises her mothers boyfriend(yeah he is a little annoying at times, but who isn't), so I'm assuming he was there and she didn't want to have to sleep on the couch.  (Yes she sleeps in her mothers bed when she stays there. At 29 years old I find it really strange, but that is probably a topic for another discussion.)

again, thank you guys.  It really makes me feel a whole lot better just being able to express my concerns and confusion. 
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Offline CarrieAnn

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2013, 11:41:03 AM »
You sound like a good man, not very deserving of the treatment you're getting. She needs help, but she has to realize that she needs it or she won't ever get it. Doesn't sound like she is at the point of taking responsibility because she is blaming you for everything. But that is my advice, tell her she needs help, try to make her see what she is doing--how she is acting, help her take responsibility for her own mental health. Your son needs her to take care of herself for him to be healthy, emotionally, mentally etc., if she won't do it for herself, she should do it for him. Good Luck :)
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2013, 07:23:16 PM »
Another day another wave if confusion.

So after the events of last night, she came home, slept on the couch, and i let her be.  I literally said nothing as her request.  Today I got up with our son and let her sleep.  I fixed the heater in her car, I got her some takeout for dinner and just kept quiet.  When I came outside for a cigarette, she called my phone and asked if I would like to go out with her tomorrow night.  Obviously I was stunned.  How does someone say they can't stand someone and that they are the cause of all the ills in their life and our relationship and then want to go out for New Years with them?  Anyway,I said sure.  She started calling her friends to get them to go out to, unfortunately one had to work.  So she asked if we could go there for dinner first to visit with her friend then go out.  At this point I'm still trying to figure out what's going on so I was taking my time trying to figure out what to say,  I really didn't want to go all the way out of the way to be ignored at dinner while she talks with her friend, but I didn't want to say that for fear of her getting mad and the whole thing going back to *****.  Well, unfortunately, I guess i took to long to answer because she started getting mad.  Asked me if our whole night out would be *****, etc.  mind you I still hadn't said anything. 

Anyway, somehow that parlayed into her telling me to forget it.  Telling me again that she didn't want to be around me.  Telling me that I ruined everything.  When I asked her why she asked me to go and told me she loved me she Sid it was because she wanted to pretend it was ok.  Seriously?  Wtf is going on?  She said some hurtful things again, threatened to leave with our son, and told me that the counseling that she was going to go to with me was only for her to get confirmation that it's all my fault so she could end it and be done.  Yes this hurt a lot.  I tried talking to her.  I tried to get her to realize how mean and ridiculous she was being.  I tried everything I could think of to diffuse the situation and get her to reflect on what she was doing.   Nothing worked.  As a last resort I begged her to one to these forums and read and talk to people to understand a bit better how her anxiety was effecting things.  She said it was all bs and that it's not her, it's me.  She can't stand me and I'm just an asshole. 
I asked if I bought her a book from the top psych in the field if she would read it.  She said hell no, that she wants to go talk to someone in person because she thinks they will say her case is different and that it's all me. 

I knows there isn't much that can be said about this as far as to help, I just need to get this off my chest.  I don't know how to describe how bad it feels to hear my fiance and mother of my child say she can't stand me and may love me but isn't in love with me, yet an hour ago, she loved me.  It's just heartbreaking.
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2014, 12:00:33 PM »
There may be nothing I can offer to you at this moment other than saying again you sound like a good man and father! You do not deserve the treatment you are getting.

However, I am keeping up with you and you are more than welcome to vent away!!! Someone is always hear to listen!
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
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Online tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2014, 06:34:41 PM »
Yes, yes, please vent, please hang in there. She needs serious help but your little boy needs you.

Play it cool, as you are doing. Maybe even keep a diary so you know you are in your right mind and nothing is distorted. Hoping for the best.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2014, 07:49:00 PM »
Well, the new year is here and just like that change again.  For whatever reason, she has been acting very nice and happy the last two days.  Though, no discussion ever took place about everything that has been going on, she is acting like everything is fine.  While I do enjoy the happy time, I'm just so confused.  She did say sorry for saying mean things, but that was it.  A quick sorry and all is ok?  Obviously I am very happy to have my loving fiance back, I'm just worried.  Did she mean it when she said she didn't love me?  Where did all the anger go?  I just don't understand.  For now, as usual I'm just trying to roll with the punches and hope this lasts at least a little bit. 

I really appreciate the opportunity to vent to you guys and gals.  It's really been a huge relief to me, and the words of support mean a lot.  I wish I could understand what is going on, but I'm not even sure logic or reason has anything to do with it.  I just hope the loving fiance is the real one, though I am still nervous. 
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Online tinam7

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2014, 07:51:52 AM »
This is good news, but be on the lookout. Keep that record because it is easy to forget and confuse.

Try and have a discussion about "love." What is meant by it? Regarding you? Regarding herself? Her family? Above all, your boy?
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2014, 07:04:55 PM »
Hello again everyone,
   I know it's been some time since I have posted on the site, but things were going well.  Unfortunately, it seems it's all right back to the dumps.  :(
   I really don't get it.  I don't understand how almost a month can go by, we are getting along well, I'm so happy, then poof, just like that, the engagement ring is taken off and I'm the worst person in the world and we are completely incompatible.  Literally two days ago, she remarked how happy she has been, how much she loves me, how we haven't been having any issues.  We have a small disagreement and wham, "we fight all the time". "Your an asshole". "You are hiding stuff"(not really sure what that's all about as she had no response.). "Your family are all talking about me behind my back" (they aren't and are quite nice to her.) etc etc. 
   
  Maybe I should start from the beginning.
 
  Yesterday I was sick with a bad stomach bug that had gotten everyone else in the house, her included, and I was the last.  It was horrible to say the least.  That same day was a viewing for her friends grandmother.  Now my fiancÚ still was not feeling the greatest, our son was still sick, and I was at the worst stage of it.  Earlier in the day she said "I talked to <friend with grandmother that passed> and she said that since we were still sick not to worry about coming."  I think to myself, thank god because I could really use some help here. 
   Well, I fall asleep, and wake a couple shirt hours later to her getting ready.  I said, "where are you going?"  She was getting ready to go to the viewing.  Also she told me she couldn't find a sitter so I had to watch our son.  As I was in no shape to do so, I said "honey I can't, I feel like I'm dieing"  so she said she would just take our son.  He is 18 months old, and still not feeling well.  I told her I don't think that he should be taken to a viewing as he is so young and he is still sick.  This is when she started getting angry.
   Anyway, she called her mother(who also was I'll with the same bug) her mother said she was feeling a but better so she supposed she could watch him for a little bit.  When she told me her plan, I said "honey, please I feel horrible, I could really use your help here."  (When she was real sick the day before, I took care of her and my son all day.  Checked her temp constantly, kept her with fluids, crackers, anything she needed.  Only took an hour and a half while her and son napped to shovel the drive of the 10 inches of snow we got the night before. 
   Somehow, that meant to her that I was saying she wasn't allowed to go to her friend's grandmother's viewing.  Even though I made sure to say that instead of going to the viewing, please help me and go to the funeral tomorrow.  Well, she got extremely pissed.  Started telling me I was insensitive, a jerk, I was controlling, etc.  a good 45 minutes of just verbally laying into me before I begged her to stop and just leave me alone.  It sucked, a lot.   So, she went.  Didn't come home until 9:30.  When she did, she was still pissy.  I went to sleep for the night and hoped it would pass.
   Unfortunately this morning, when she woke, she was still angry and looking to fight.  She started telling me that her friend was like a sister and I have no right to tell her she can't go be there for her.  I kept trying to explain that I wasn't trying to do that, I was asking her to be there for me, and for her friend at the funeral.  (I understand that may be a selfish thing on my part, but I was extremely sick.). The more I tried to explain the more angry she got.  I could see the anxiety take over and just turn her into a monster.  She started saying horrible hurtful things about me, my parenting, my parents, everything.  She said she was leaving. I was so taken back all I could say was what was on my mind.  "What kind of fiancÚ does this?"  That's when the ring came through the air. 
   Anyway, I left for a bit to let things calm down.  I bought some parts for her car that it needed (plugs/wires) and headed home.  I spent a couple hours under the hood, took it for a test drive, and put gas in it.  When I came inside, she was acting quiet.  I sat down and started playing with our son, not really sure what to do.  Soon after she said "so what do you think?  Is it over?  Are you done with our relationship?"  Obviously I was still hurt, so I told her that I don't want to see it end, but being treated like this is terrible.   I told her that the things she said were inexcusable.  She apologized for what she said about my family, but I could see her expression starting to change.  I could hear her voice speeding up.  I kept my cool and did my best bit to feed it but to stand my ground about how she treated me.  Ended with her telling me I'm an asshole again, she can't talk to me.  I'm the reason for her anxiety.  And she left for a drive. 
   She just returned as I was feeding our son.  Said she took 1.5 Xanax and said she didn't want to talk, I'm not allowed to talk and that I shouldn't ruin it for her.  She made a comment about leaving for good, so I asked if that is where it was at.  She said that she didn't say that.

I am so damned confused.  Hurt.  Sad.  Just generally wtf.

Can anyone make any sense of this?  Is it really her anxiety causing her actions?  Does it make you forget every promise you've made and just blame others?  Or should I just give up?
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Offline Kissa

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2014, 07:38:54 PM »
I was beginning to think things were getting better for you guys. I guess not. Unfortunately, I do not have the right to tell you want you should do. Nobody does. I so understand you wanting to be there for your son. However, that doesn't sound like a healthy environment for him to be in! And very unhealthy for you as well. From what you wrote, no matter how nice and thoughtful you are, she gets angry anyway. That's not fair to anyone in that situation! Also, from what you wrote, there doesn't look like she is going to change or get help any time soon.

So, I say this knowing that it will probably cause you heartache, maybe you need to spend some time apart. Do you have your parents or a friends house that you can crash at for a bit? Dare I say you are in a very abusive relationship and that is not good! Maybe you guys are one of those couples that are better apart than together. Make a commitment to ALWAYS be there for your son! Forgive me for saying this but, if you get to spend some time away from her, and it is making you happier, try and get custody of your son!

I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear. But I am speaking from personal experience. My brother and his baby momma just can't make it work no matter how hard they both try. He is a recovering alcoholic, and she is depressed possibly bi-polar. They are friends amazingly, which makes it easier on my nephew.

Feel free to vent to me or the board. Feel free to tell me to f off! As I write this, I am thinking of you and your son's health and well being. Remember, you are not alone.
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Just because I understand an acknowledge what I am worrying about is silly, doesn't mean I'm able to stop worrying about it.
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Offline Confusedandsad

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Re: Looking for advice
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2014, 08:15:41 PM »
Hi kissa. 
  I've got to be honest and say what you wrote has certainly been on my mind.  However on the other side of the coin is, she has started seeing a counselor.  (Saw her once, she is returning this week ) and during our good time there, she had started reading about anxiety and talked to me about it.  Things like she sees how her anxiety has been interfering in our relationship.  How her anger hurts me, etc.  there was a little forward progress in between or so I thought.
  What the big question is, is anxiety this powerful to make her forget about that stuff when it hits?  Could this be a setback and I should keep on for the touchdown?  Or is this just indicative of a situation that's better off laid to rest?
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