i haven't felt this low in a really long time, rant ahead.
i've spent the last nearly two years in a state of constant anxiety and worry and panic after i got unexpectedly sick away from home with a bad wisdom tooth infection. ever since then, life has been complete hell, bouncing back and forth between countless diseases, but i was always able to eventually come down from the worry and cross a few diseases off of my list once i talked myself out of them.
except this time i CAN'T get past the worry that i have something neurological or autoimmune going on. my symptoms are so specific and match up so closely to these disorders that i've completely given up on thinking they're just anxiety anymore. among those worries i have a dozen other things that i oscillate between panicking over all day. i have a dark spot under the skin of my finger that cropped up out of nowhere a few months ago. i get random bumps on my toes and fingers just under the skin. my hands are always either hot or cold and i'm sensitive to temperature more than i've ever been before. i feel like i've had sinusitis for months now. my eyes are all over the place and i'm always having tension headaches.
i feel like my future is completely shot. i'm only 21 but i'm so sure i'm not going to make it to 25 and i have nothing going for me and everything i have will be taken away when i'm finally diagnosed with some horrible incurable disease that will rot me from the inside out and i'll always be sick and in hospitals and i'll never accomplish anything and i'm going to die and NO ONE believes me anymore, my mother doesn't listen to me, my doctor thinks i'm crazy, i don't have anyone to talk to about these problems and so they've been eating away at me for so long and there's nothing i can do to make it any better and i know i'm getting worse and there's just no stopping it anymore.
we're in the middle of moving away and so i can't get a therapist, i'll be without a doctor once we move which will be perfect time for a tumor to pop up or for MS to finally kick in or ten thousand other possibilities that i don't dare consider. i should be looking forward to starting a new life in a new state in a new house but instead all i can be is extremely depressed because i genuinely feel like i'm on the fast track to death and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's drained me of any and all happiness and excitement and hope i once had in me, i'm miserable all the time and i'm a burden to my mother who can't stand listening to me anymore.
i feel distant from my body like i'm looking at everything from someone else's point of view, nothing seems real to me and everything is foggy and unclear. i've had depersonalization before with my ocd so i know what it IS but it doesn't do anything but make my panic worse and strengthen my worry that i have something physically wrong with my brain like a tumor or etc etc etc
my doctor has me on .5 of clonazepam once a day. it takes some of the physical panic away but the thoughts are still there. pretty soon i'll have to taper off of that and then i'll really be screwed and i'm terrified that i'll be ten times worse than i was before
i've had so many tests done, blood tests and MRIs and x-rays and eye tests, and everything comes back normal but i know all the tests are wrong because why on earth would i still be having all of these symptoms if there wasn't something truly wrong with me, why would i be having these weird bumps on my skin, why would i always be dizzy, why would it give me every symptom of MS, why would i always feel like i'm on the verge of having a seizure or blacking out or dying
there are just so many ways to die and there are so many things that can go wrong, it's ALL i think about anymore, i spend my life in constant dread and people wonder why i'm so depressed
i feel like in the middle of all of this i have some degree of PTSD since my stepdad died in february of an undetected congenital heart defect which obviously only made my anxiety about four million times worse, i'm afraid to sleep at night because i'm scared the same thing will happen to me, i'm gonna go to sleep and never wake up because of some undetected disease that won't ever be caught but i'll always be slowly dying from it until one day it just completely takes me and no one will see it coming because NO ONE BELIEVES ANYTHING I SAY