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Author Topic: on the verge of a complete and total breakdown  (Read 235 times)

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Offline corwin

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on the verge of a complete and total breakdown
« on: December 29, 2013, 08:52:29 PM »
i haven't felt this low in a really long time, rant ahead.

i've spent the last nearly two years in a state of constant anxiety and worry and panic after i got unexpectedly sick away from home with a bad wisdom tooth infection. ever since then, life has been complete hell, bouncing back and forth between countless diseases, but i was always able to eventually come down from the worry and cross a few diseases off of my list once i talked myself out of them.

except this time i CAN'T get past the worry that i have something neurological or autoimmune going on. my symptoms are so specific and match up so closely to these disorders that i've completely given up on thinking they're just anxiety anymore. among those worries i have a dozen other things that i oscillate between panicking over all day. i have a dark spot under the skin of my finger that cropped up out of nowhere a few months ago. i get random bumps on my toes and fingers just under the skin. my hands are always either hot or cold and i'm sensitive to temperature more than i've ever been before. i feel like i've had sinusitis for months now. my eyes are all over the place and i'm always having tension headaches.

i feel like my future is completely shot. i'm only 21 but i'm so sure i'm not going to make it to 25 and i have nothing going for me and everything i have will be taken away when i'm finally diagnosed with some horrible incurable disease that will rot me from the inside out and i'll always be sick and in hospitals and i'll never accomplish anything and i'm going to die and NO ONE believes me anymore, my mother doesn't listen to me, my doctor thinks i'm crazy, i don't have anyone to talk to about these problems and so they've been eating away at me for so long and there's nothing i can do to make it any better and i know i'm getting worse and there's just no stopping it anymore.

we're in the middle of moving away and so i can't get a therapist, i'll be without a doctor once we move which will be perfect time for a tumor to pop up or for MS to finally kick in or ten thousand other possibilities that i don't dare consider. i should be looking forward to starting a new life in a new state in a new house but instead all i can be is extremely depressed because i genuinely feel like i'm on the fast track to death and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's drained me of any and all happiness and excitement and hope i once had in me, i'm miserable all the time and i'm a burden to my mother who can't stand listening to me anymore.

i feel distant from my body like i'm looking at everything from someone else's point of view, nothing seems real to me and everything is foggy and unclear. i've had depersonalization before with my ocd so i know what it IS but it doesn't do anything but make my panic worse and strengthen my worry that i have something physically wrong with my brain like a tumor or etc etc etc

my doctor has me on .5 of clonazepam once a day. it takes some of the physical panic away but the thoughts are still there. pretty soon i'll have to taper off of that and then i'll really be screwed and i'm terrified that i'll be ten times worse than i was before

i've had so many tests done, blood tests and MRIs and x-rays and eye tests, and everything comes back normal but i know all the tests are wrong because why on earth would i still be having all of these symptoms if there wasn't something truly wrong with me, why would i be having these weird bumps on my skin, why would i always be dizzy, why would it give me every symptom of MS, why would i always feel like i'm on the verge of having a seizure or blacking out or dying

there are just so many ways to die and there are so many things that can go wrong, it's ALL i think about anymore, i spend my life in constant dread and people wonder why i'm so depressed

i feel like in the middle of all of this i have some degree of PTSD since my stepdad died in february of an undetected congenital heart defect which obviously only made my anxiety about four million times worse, i'm afraid to sleep at night because i'm scared the same thing will happen to me, i'm gonna go to sleep and never wake up because of some undetected disease that won't ever be caught but i'll always be slowly dying from it until one day it just completely takes me and no one will see it coming because NO ONE BELIEVES ANYTHING I SAY
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Offline Caribou

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Re: on the verge of a complete and total breakdown
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2013, 09:10:42 PM »
I'm sorry this is happening to you corwin.

But, you have had multiple tests saying that nothing is wrong with you.  You seem to be over thinking this quite a bit I think.  Your telling yourself that something must be wrong with you...so sooner or later your mind will cause you to feel sick - even though I know your aren't.  Maybe when you had the wisdom tooth infection it caused you to notice every single ache and pain.

There is something else I want to tell you and while you may not like it, it is meant to help you.  No one lives forever.  We all know something is going to get you someday.  And if you spend your life worrying and preparing for that moment then you're wasting your time.  You're only 21 years old, and have a full life ahead of you...make the most of it.

But, aside from that, I want to say that your symptoms you are experiencing are caused by worrying.  Please take care of yourself, and know that you're going to be okay.   :action-smiley-065:

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Offline Jazeraca

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Re: on the verge of a complete and total breakdown
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2013, 09:35:07 PM »
Oh boy, you just described exactly how I feel right now, Corwin. I too am convinced I am on the verge of death, especially since my whiplash problem. I cry all the time about it and feel helpless because it feels the doctors aren't taking me seriously.

There isn't much else I can add but to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Can I at least give you an ehug? :)*hugs*
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Dx: GAD, HA, BPD. LPR and peptic ulcer. Possible fibro.

Offline corwin

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Re: on the verge of a complete and total breakdown
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2013, 04:07:46 PM »
you both are really sweet, thank you so much for wanting to help me. last night was just all around awful. i had a followup appointment with my doc today and i brought up some of my worries and he checked them out and didn't seem concerned at all. he thinks the spot on my finger is just a new freckle. a freckle. i was panicking and sobbing last night over a freckle. in hindsight i can almost laugh at myself a little which helps.
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Offline hayter

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Re: on the verge of a complete and total breakdown
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2013, 06:51:31 PM »
I just thought I'd share my story with you as I think it might help.

The first time I had anxiety over my health was 2008 - I had the foggy head, tingling in my face and forehead. All sorts of neurological issues. I was like you - sure I was going to die - by the end my gf , mum and pretty much every doctor in my surgery thought I was nuts.

By this point I had loads more symptoms like issues with my heart , my eyes, twitches, just an unbelievable  amount. This only made going to the docs worse as all these symptoms were just to long and too varied to be anything else other than anxiety! Of course I thought I was dying and every doctor was wrong!

After about 1 year of not leaving my house except for dr appointments I finally found out what was causing my most hated symptom - the tingling face and depersonilaztion - I had a deviated septum and it was so blocked it was pressing on nerves in my face. That was it - nothing terrible like I thought!

Once that was sorted every other bizarre symptom went went away - it was caused by me. In fact I think I probably made the real symptoms worse too! As soon as I wasn't mentally checking my body for new or current symptoms none of them were there!

I know it's hard but that's the first step! Get out of the loop of checking yourself mentally and physically - when you are in that fight or flight mode you will notice so many little things you wouldn't normally - like a freckle.

You need to also believe your diagnosis - drs are trained and know what to look for and wouldn't risk there jobs over a miss diagnosis. The doctor I had before I did not trust for a minute. My current doctor us excellent and have every faith she will do what is right.

Go back to my first post and read what I wrote! It sounds very similar to how your feeling and if you get out of this loop you will feel a lot better.
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