Hello! This is my first post :-)
Uhm I've been struggling with this for pretty much since I can remember. The thought of kissing/holding hands/sex/love with another man scares the absolute crap out of me. I'm a "straight" girl (and I put straight in quotations because I'm struggling with deciding if I'm asexual or not) who is 18 years young. It may seem young for a lot of people, but all of my friends have no problem when it comes to sex and boys, yet I can't even think about a boyfriend without having a panic attack.
I've Googled this many times, and I see that a lot of people have been raped or molested and as a result, have a fear of sex. With me, I can't remember if I have or not at all. One instance comes to mind, and it's one of those fleeting memories. I was maybe 6? 7? I went over a neighbor's house, and he was maybe 3-4 years older than me, and he locked his bedroom door and tried to get me to sit with him on his bed to touch each other. I ran before he laid his hands on me (I think) and the only emotion I remember having is fear of him touching me. Do you think that that would be so traumatic that I would want to be touched years later??
I don't mind hugs, and where I used to live, people kissed you on the cheek in greeting. So it's romantic stuff I hate.
Elementary school, I had lots of crushes, and when they liked me back I would freak out and say nope nope nope. Same with middle, and in high school it got worse. Kissing a guy terrified me, no matter how attracted to him I was. I've never had a boyfriend in my life because that terrifies me as well. I hate being called "hun" or "babe"
Uhm, I used to hate it when my parents locked their bedroom door or kissed. I would have panic attacks thinking they were having sex. If I knew they were, I'd sit for minutes banging on the door making up stories for them to come out and help me.
I just can't figure out at all why I would be so afraid of being close to a guy... I don't think I've ever been molested (but who knows, I have a habit of repressing memories). My stomach churns and I get this disgusted feeling, and all attraction that I have vanishes. I don't like it when guy return my feelings for them. Ugh I'm just so confused, and I'm sick of not knowing what is wrong with me and I'm sick of people thinking I'm a lesbian or weirdo because I've never kissed a guy or had sexual feelings for him.
Oh, and I'm like 99% sure I'm not a lesbian hahah. Girls freak me out as well.
Well that's all I can think of. I just need someone to point me in the right direction... 18 may be young, but if I haven't felt the need to sex it up or even KISS, there's gotta be something mentally holding me back.