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Author Topic: New Here: Desparate for help  (Read 151 times)

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Online JenMarie279

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New Here: Desparate for help
« on: December 19, 2013, 07:16:30 PM »
I am new here, and hoping for some advice or just kind words.

I'm 34 years old and have an amazing husband, two children, and two step-children.  I have always suffered from anxiety, but lately it has gotten much worse.

I had a beautiful little girl 3 months ago and I felt over the moon at first.  Then I went to the dermatologist to get a mole removed.  He saw a few other marks on my body and said they looked suspicious and removed them for biopsy.  As he shaved them off, he said to the nurse "possible melanoma" and I instantly lost it.  He had no bedside matter and said I would just have to wait a couple of weeks to find out.  At that moment something just clicked and I instantly knew I was going to miss seeing my children grow up.  I cried non-stop, couldn't eat, and made the mistake of searching endlessly on the internet.  I became obsessed, even though I didn't know my results yet.  Luckily, I got the call and they said everything was fine.

During that experience my mind went to places that it shouldn't have.  I was angry and scared and faced my own mortality.  My relief that my biopsy results were clear lasted a day.  I started to notice every since pain, lump, and bump.  In the past couple of months I have diagnosed myself with every possible cancer, stage 4, of course.  I noticed that my breasts felt lumpy (which I know is normal) so I made an appointment, and although my doctor said they felt normal, she scheduled a mammogram for the day after Christmas.  Great...another test. 

This is ruining my life.  Every morning when I wake up my thoughts are instantly that I am going to die.  I can't enjoy anything.  Everything makes me sad.  Typically I love Christmas, and now all I can think is that this will be my last one.  I got prescribed Zoloft, but stopped taking it because it made me feel horrible, only adding to my fears.  My husband is understanding and supportive, but every time he says "You aren't sick.  You're fine." I get angry.

I could honestly go on and on about this, but I guess this is long enough.  Someone please give me some advice.  Thanks!
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Offline Ihadcancer

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Re: New Here: Desparate for help
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2013, 08:47:50 PM »
JenMarie,
I can understand this completely!

First, my HA started after my 2nd bout with colon cancer.  After the first surgery and chemo, I was so upbeat and didn't worry except when having huge tests.  Three years later they found a small spot on my liver.  I had 80% of my liver removed but no chemo.  I've been cancer free for 20 months now........

But........  I worry about everything!  I wake worrying about cancer.  I worry about sore throats, pimples, itchy scalp, you name it.  I seldom enjoy a day.  All I can think of is 'what if'.

I have had a number of moles and spots removed.  I'm turning 63 so several of my spots have been the sun spots that have a slight chance of turning into cancer.  I had three moles removed.  Two were mild dysplasia and one was more advanced.  They're off now and will never return, tho I have to go every 3 months for a year for a full body exam.

I saw a new Gastro before my colonoscopy this past Monday. Didn't like the guy at all. He said 'hmmmmm' when poking on my liver area.  When I kept asking why he said that, he yelled at me and told me to leave.  The test was 'perfect' and 'see you in 3 years' but I'll never go back to Mr. Personality again!

Derms say those things so insurance companies will pay for the biopsy.  My derm told me things are either 'cancer or precancer' if you want to make sure they're covered.  My derm uses initials tho and I've learned what they mean. Rule out BCC type stuff.

I'm taking Clonopin daily.  I take it as soon as I get up and 8 hours later.  It helps me cope, tho the fear is still there under it all.   My oncologist had given me Xanax which was for panic attacks but this is a 24 hour a day thing for us.  Clonopin is long lasting and I COULD take it 3 times a day if needed, but I don't.

I hope you can find some peace over this.  To be very, very truthful, your fear is a mothering instinct!  You know that no one could ever love this child (the children) as much as you do and you fear leaving them, especially the baby.  This could actually be  worsened by your hormones working themselves back to normal.  Maybe speaking with your GYN would help!  Be very honest about these fears and how this is NOT something you want to feel. 

I'm going to bed in a few minutes and I'm going to pray for you, JenMarie!  Praying that you are well and stay well. I'm going to pray that God give you a long life to care for these children and enjoy your grandchildren.  Pray that you and all of us here be freed from this awful fear.

God bless,
Diane
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Online JenMarie279

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Re: New Here: Desparate for help
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2013, 12:08:15 AM »
Diane,

Thank you so much for your kind words and support.  They mean more to me than you can know.

Congratulations on being cancer-free!  I cannot imagine the level of anxiety that you have, though.  I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with a doctor, it definitely makes a big difference with people like us.  I swear, doctors need to take a course on how to deal with people with HA.  We need a little extra reassurance.

I will also pray for you!
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Offline Ihadcancer

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Re: New Here: Desparate for help
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2013, 01:27:17 PM »
You're very welcome!
I sure agree about doctors!  They have no idea what we deal with and hate dealing with! 

BIG hug to you today!
Diane
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