I'm so obsessed about the thoughts in my head, I'll have thoughts about "I don't want to be in my head any more, and no matter what I do I won't be able to escape" and these thoughts scare me a lot, and I'll have thoughts about checking into a mental institute, huge fear of depression, 0119, hopelessness, being hospitalized, not being able to sleep any more, not being able to function, and thoughts about how repeating these thoughts is only strengthening beliefs in them. Now I'm not medicated, and I live a good life, love my family, friends, myself. I don't think I'm depressed maybe a little bit. But the I constantly have these irrational thoughts none of which are actually true. I'm so attached to them like I base my days and events on how often I had one of these thoughts. If I go to the gym I think about okay I didn't ruminate too much today that's a good thing or vice versa. When I'm in a thought stream that is regular and not these crazy thoughts I'll quickly be like oh I haven't thought of "x thought" in a little bit and quickly the cycle begins. I'm starting to have trouble falling asleep because that's when I'm alone with my thoughts. I just had an emotional outburst with my dad and started crying which made me even more scared because I'm thinking that all these thoughts must be true. By no means am I actually suicidal though just to clear things up.
Another hugeeee obsession of mine is how to go about treating myself, my psychologists tells me to write all the thoughts down and to challenge each one of them, so I'll do that for a day or two, and then think about just accepting them i.e. meditation, but then I'll be like I shouldn't challenge these thoughts but purposely ruminate about them and accept the risk (ERP therapy) that way I detach the fear from it, but then I kinda cycle back to challenging because I'll tell myself that I'm just negatively affirming myself and I fear that it would make me worst. How should I go about these intrusive thoughts, I'm defintely going to start meditating especially now that I'm on winter break from school, but should I challenge these thoughts? I'm afraid I'm just giving them more power that way, or should I purposely think about them and accept that maybe thought x might happen so what. Ugh I'm torturing myself with these irrational thoughts that shouldn't mean any thing to me especially with how my life is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.