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Author Topic: Wanting a significant other.. How to??  (Read 504 times)

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Offline Kyky89

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Wanting a significant other.. How to??
« on: December 16, 2013, 01:17:56 PM »
I have seen a lot of similar posts here on this topic. What I am hoping to find out is how people after years of being single actually entered relationships that were healthy and happy.

So heres my deal. I am almost 25 now and have never had a "real" boyfriend. I have had intimate relationships with men, but usually only when under the influence of alcohol. In fact, in the last three years since I exited the drinking scene (bc I was diagnosed with anxiety and BP) I have not so much as flirted with anyone. It is my deepest desire to find my soul mate and have a family. I never imagined I would would be 25 and single, but the years come and go and I am ready to be proactive about it.

So, in social situations, especially with men, its like I become mentally paralyzed. All I can focus on when in a conversation with someone new or that I am interested in is the current discomfort I am having and the anxiety of not knowing what to say. Mostly I fear that anything I do say will be stupid... yet theres nothing in my head to say anyway! Its awkward and I feel like I am giving off a totally wrong representation of myself. I feel like there is some nonverbal sign I am giving off to men that conveys I am not girlfriend material. My self esteem plummets and only makes matters worse.

I have no idea how to step out of this mindset and actually be myself. I think there are several things I can bring to the table in a relationship, and in general Im not unpleasant to be around for the people Im close to, but I just can't figure out how to overcome the paralysis and convey myself properly. Has anyone had this type of experience? Has anyone overcome it and how??? I would really appreciate some help, thank you!
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Wanting a significant other.. How to??
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2013, 01:26:42 PM »
Let me start by saying that pubs and clubs are not the only place to meet people. My folks met in a hospital. So let us get away from thinking pubs and clubs. You have any interests at all? Things you like to do. Here I would be looking for groups / clubs that involve my interests. Why? Because people who are like minded would also attend such places. That would be something to start on. A shared interest. There is also volunteer work. Maybe find somewhere to help out for an hour or two a few times a week. This is more just to get you out there around people. Doing this sort of thing would have people talking to you. Others who are offering up their own time too. Even those you may be helping out. Call this a social exercise. You meet people. It is not the same as pub or club talk. It will be basic chit chat. Rewarding work as well. Who knows where we will meet the person of our dreams. I am 44 and still single, living at home with my mother. So you have plenty of time. Don't fall into the trap of thinking things have to be done quickly. This is when people trip up and words don't come out right. Slow yourself down. Take a step back. Deep breath. We are going to do things at a slower pace. I always do this. Never bothers me what others thing. I speak slowly. If I try to get the words out too fast they kind of get stuck. I stop myself. Slow things down. There is no hurry at all. You dictate the pace. Don't be too hard on yourself. It can all take time.
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Offline edaniels600

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Re: Wanting a significant other.. How to??
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2014, 02:14:20 PM »
I know exactly how you feel. I cannot become close with attractive men because I have absolutely no idea what to say or do and I don't want to look stupid. I have only ever had one boyfriend, and that lasted for only a week because immediately after we started dating, I was scared to do something stupid around him so I cut off all communication. I think the only way to overcome this is to have confidence in yourself and take a risk. As Albus Dumbledore once said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
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Offline anxiousartist

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Re: Wanting a significant other.. How to??
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2014, 06:05:08 PM »
The worst thing about social anxiety and anxiety in general is what you want the most you can't have.

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I'm working on being happy with what I can do, rather than sad for what I cannot do

Offline Raefoxx87

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Re: Wanting a significant other.. How to??
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2014, 07:47:04 PM »
I completely understand. I am 26 and still haven't ever been in a serious relationship. I have dated and "talked" to some guys before but never anything serious and I'm constantly scared that people think I'm a loser for not being able to find a relationship. I would say this is the absolute worst part about my social anxiety and causes a lot of depression because I really don't want to be alone.

I know how to get over it though, I'm just scared to do it. Positive self talk and facing the fears you have and just putting yourself out there, not being afraid of what the guy might think, just talk to the guy as if you already know him, find confidence in yourself.

Conquering these fears/anxieties is exhausting but I'm tired of just being the quiet girl in the room that can't hold a conversation just because I find someone attractive and I'm constantly worrying about them judging me. Only way to get over this is to put in the mental effort that it takes.
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