Hi everyone. This is my first post and I have to say, I'm really glad I found this forum because this has been eating away at me for some time now.
Almost two years ago, my ex and I finally broke up after a tumultuous, horrible relationship that consisted of breaking up constantly, him making threats to cheat on me, him telling me he did cheat on me any time he was angry and then telling me he only said it out of anger, and him constantly calling me names like ugly, fat, retarded, a *****, a slut, and a bitch. I was a virgin, and after we slept together he called me "loose."
I remember the first time we fought, he called me stupid and it was a major red flag for me. I expressed that I wasn't ok with the name calling and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. It didn't take long for it to become a constant thing. He always had an excuse, "you made me do it because you made me mad" or "it just came out" "if you don't like it, don't make me angry." The last year of our relationship he would just admit that he called me names because he knew it bothered and hurt me. He also used to call me boring all the time - something I have never, ever been called before. I actually have a complex about my personality now.
A lot of my friends expressed their concerns and told me that they loved me but hated to see me with him and that as long as he was going to be around, they wouldn't.
I haven't told anyone, no friends or family, the way that it still gets me. My confidence is better than it was, but it isn't the same as it was before that relationship. The fact that I stayed with someone who treated me the way he did still bothers me more than I can even say.
The irony is, the entire relationship, I had to babysit him. When we went out, if I didn't show him enough attention he would flip out and leave. He was constantly accusing me of looking at other guys, paranoid that I would cheat, and basically refused to share me with anyone else. When we went out in groups, he insisted that we had to be mostly alone - I couldn't be with my friends, only him. He needed constant affection and attention and if he didn't get it, he would turn totally vicious.
I never even noticed how bad it was until it ended. There were times I would go weeks without even smiling. If we had a fight or I attempted to break up, I would have to leave my phone off for days because text messages calling me horrible names would be endless and make me feel like sh*t.
It still bothers me so much. I'm embarrassed that I allowed it, my pride and confidence is hurt because I actually began believing all the names and insults he hurled at me. Most of all, his comments about my personality still bother me. He made me believe I was boring, and he made me feel boring, and I constantly feel like I'm incapable of making a man happy in a relationship. I just beat myself up over being so stupid constantly. I haven't dated much since the break up, mostly because I have so little confidence and I am so afraid of making the same mistake.
How do I finally leave this behind me? I don't want to carry someone like him around with me forever.