This post is really long, so please bear with me. It was much longer and this is the shortest I could make it. I would really appreciate responses.
Starting in early June of this year, I developed a deathly fear of developing a psychotic disorder. Since then, anxiety has taken over my life. The anxiety has spread from being 100% about developing a psychotic disorder to being about EVERYTHING. Let me explain more.
I am looking for things to have delusions about. Just looking at a poster will make me force a delusional photographed thought, such as the person in the poster watching me. I donít actually believe that the person in the poster is watching me, but I get really anxious over the fact that Iím having the thought itself. Then I will go on to think that I am having the anxiety not because of having the delusional thought, but because I actually believe the thought. This creates a vicious cycle of anxiety.
I am looking to have hallucinations, too. Often times I think that I am having auditory hallucinations, but every time this happens, there is good reason to believe that what I am hearing is real (such as the TV being on or somebody else hearing the same thing.) Starting about two days ago, I started to think that I am having visual hallucinations also. I have not found a way to prove that I am not having visual hallucinations, but when I think that Iím having them, iím just seeing a light or blur in the corner of my eye. My glasses are often dirty and more often than not, I am looking at a screen, so there is no reason to think that this is abnormal.
When Iím really anxious, I will feel like something is touching my shoulder. Itís the same kind of feeling that you get when you feel like somebody is watching you. I donít actually think that somebody is watching me, but I do get uneasy. Often times, I confuse anxiety with paranoia, or maybe itís the other way around.
I have been obsessing about irrational things, which is, as of right now, worrying me the most. Most recently, there is this girl who I have been obsessing over (iíve known her for a long time and talk to her on ***** every day, although I have only met her in person twice) and itís caused me some really irrational anxiety, such as thinking that sheís ignoring me because I havenít talked to her in a day. On top of that, I have had thoughts that she is talking to another one of my friends and theyíre both avoiding me, even though thatís not true. In addition to those two things, every time I think about her, talk to her, or talk to my other friend involved, I get this really weird paranoid-esqe feeling of anxiety thatís been making me very uneasy and depressed over the last couple of days. I donít know if Iím more anxious about the thoughts themselves or just the fact that Iím having these thoughts.
Below is a list of other symptoms that I have. These symptoms are no less-important than the ones that I made entire paragraphs about, but I cannot make a paragraph about every symptom. Let me just tell you that these symptoms have been getting worse with time and have hampered my ability to live life normally. These symptoms are caused by anxiety (in my opinion) and cause more anxiety. Itís a vicious circle.
1. Constant cognitive impairment
1. Inability to concentrate
2. Trouble understanding fairly simple concepts
3. Poor math and language skills
1. Constant worrying
2. Racing thoughts
3. Inability to stop thinking negatively
4. Health anxiety (fear of developing psychotic disorder) that builds on itself
5. Constant looking out for me to hallucinate/have delusions
6. Going deep into unrealistic and anxiety-causing hypotheticals
1. Loss of interest in hobbies.
2. Dulled emotions
3. Anger, Irritability
4. Thought Disorder
1. Mild loose associations
2. Doing things/thinking the same thought over and over for no reason
3. Thinking in ways that don't make sense when trying to sleep
4. Randomly be reminded of certain things, like dreams or real life experiences
Before I finish this post, let me say that my mom has a psychotic disorder and I am in the prime age range to develop a psychotic disorder. I have a history of health anxiety and obsessing over things, but Itís never been this bad and I have not been diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorder. However, I do have ADHD, which means that I have a higher chance of developing an anxiety disorder.
I want to thank you for reading this entire post and I want to encourage you to respond. Sorry for any disorganisation, I wasnít thinking clearly when I wrote this.