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Author Topic: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem  (Read 497 times)

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Offline AnxiousBurnleyFan

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First off.....Merry Christmas everyone (havent completely lost the plot yet). Hope santa brings you everything you hope for.

Right, a couple of months ago I split with my girlfreind. Was quite sudden which was a complete shock. Since then I've been having feelings of guilt as though it was my fault (she didnt really give a reason) but in the past I have been cheated on. Been stood up on dates etc and this really compounds my low self esteem. Everyone of my freinds says that I am the nicest guy they have ever met, yet here I am being stood up and cheated on.
I also feel like a lot of my freinds arent really interested and are trying to avoid me as I can get quite talkative and message alot....yet I have had depression in the past, and just having someone to talk to make so much difference. Sort of like "the boy who cried wolf", because I text a lot when I really need help, they're fed up of me.
Its at a point now where I lie in bed and cry as I believe nobody is there and I am in this alone.

Any suggestions on how I can rebuild and just get my quality of life back without being a teary, crying wreck?
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Online BrookeAshley1

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2013, 07:56:34 PM »
Well, the first thing I want to say is... REAL and LOYAL friends will not just get "fed up." They would want to help you and be there when you need them. If they truly are avoiding you, then that speaks volumes of the type of friends they are. However, could it be possible that maybe they're just busy and your mind is making you think they are avoiding? I know because I've done that in the past. I would trick myself into believing that a person doesn't care. My depression would make me feel so unlovable that I couldn't accept that anyone would care about me.

As far as the girlfriend goes, I think she should've at least given you an explanation as to why the relationship wasn't working for her. That doesn't mean YOU are the problem. Many good, loving people unfortunately get treated badly in relationships. If a person stands you up, it doesn't speak of the person you are but the person they are. Really, who stands someone up? That's immature on their part, and you're lucky you didnt have to waste your time on them.

Don't let people define your character. Don't let their actions reflect on you. It's taken me a long time to realize that their actions dont mean I'm not good enough, it means they have the problem. The problem is them. We internalize it though, and make it about us. Its hard to learn to not do that. I'm still learning myself. But don't blame yourself for others wrongdoings. That's a burden you don't need to bare. I hope this helps some.
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Giving up is always an option, but it is never my choice.

Offline tinam7

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2013, 07:33:51 AM »
Yes, indeed, there are the tough lessons here which BrookeA spells out very well. The problem rests with the others as they reveal themselves. Unfortunately, we play a role here too. People are generally out for themselves but some of us have not learned that lesson. We can't protect ourselves very well, or not at all.

Try and take your experiences in a positive way to help yourself become stronger from within. You will talk less, message less and be wiser to what others may be up to. This is one of the lessons from CBT: turn the negatives to positives if at all possible. Not easy, to be sure, but can be done. Wishing you all the best. We are here to try and support you.
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Offline AnxiousBurnleyFan

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2013, 06:09:13 PM »
Thank you. I've been through anxiety before and it felt like hell on earth. But lately everything has just hit me like a truck and its into depression.

Realising now what you guys say......like my mind telling me i'm being ignored when people are propably just busy. On reflection, i've known most of my freinds for years and for them to be ignoring me is very unlikely.

I think depression and feeling depressed is easily helped if you have people to share and talk to, so I thank you for being there :)
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Offline Cilantro

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2013, 10:52:22 PM »
I think it can be hard for some people to keep a healthy mental state when going through the trials of dating. It's a balancing act especially for people who've been hurt in the past or are sensitive, because only a lucky few won't go through a few (or many) relationships before finding one that sticks. I think it's worth focusing on the fact that you're worth many people's time as a friend, and they certainly don't think that you deserve to be cheated on or stood up. Many interactions aren't there don't reflect our true value or who we truly are.
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Offline london23

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2013, 12:56:01 AM »
im sorry to say this but please dont count om friends for any support..count on yourself and your close family only, when i had bad anxiety nobody cared..thats when i realized that yes..people are really out for their own..all the growing up friendship thing fades after you teen years and people dont really want to bother with you or your problems, the only ones that helped me were my close family and the rest i dealt with on my own, uve got yourself..love yourself and be strong.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2013, 08:38:15 AM »
Glad you posted, london, TY. This touches on a subject that has intrigued me a long time.

What do friends owe us? Where do these judgments come from? What are their origins?
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2013, 08:52:36 AM »
im sorry to say this but please dont count om friends for any support..count on yourself and your close family only, when i had bad anxiety nobody cared..thats when i realized that yes..people are really out for their own..all the growing up friendship thing fades after you teen years and people dont really want to bother with you or your problems, the only ones that helped me were my close family and the rest i dealt with on my own, uve got yourself..love yourself and be strong.

Hi, i totally agree with this as well. :winking0008:

As a young guy i used to have typical male friendships, some of which stretched back to my nursery days. I thought some of them were very close, yet when my anxiety became too much of a problem to conceal anymore a few years ago and i was officially diagnosed with GAD, they gradually became ever more busy and noticeable by their lack of absence. I found that although friends are there for you during the good times thats sadly not always the case during the difficult times. I wasn't even asking them for anything! Yet most of them haven't spoken to me in at least 2 years. They just faded away with no reason ever given.

Some of my friends did remain, which made them more precious to me. :happy0062: Its when you face the difficult times in your life that real friends can be truly identified. Others will fade away. Likewise, recently my relationship ended which left me pretty down and distraught... and again, certain friends i've made have disappeared or are suddenly busier in their personal lives. This time though i've been prepared for it so don't feel broken or bitter as i did the first time around. :winking0008: Do i feel i've lost friends? No, not really... they were never of much weight in the first place. As depressing as it sounds, london23 is generally correct when he says that most people really are out for their own. Most people don't want their lives inconvenienced by heavy, weighty issues their friends are periodically brought down by. Offering support isn't their first instinct. Rather, they think of what suits them best: its easier just to make themselves less available and focus on other friends, or finding new friends who make life easier and more pleasant for them. The sort of friendship use-value you used to fill for them previously. Not everyone is this way, mind you... but the majority are. I agree with london23 there. Again, thats why when i true friend is discovered, they should be valued even more.

The sad reality is that when we look to others to support us, we are often left disappointed and hurt. London21 is right when he advises that the best person to rely on is yourself. That way you won't be let down. Finding that inner strength that resides within ourselves is a resource we can have that never fails us, unlike reliance on others.

One thing i do thank the periodic crisis episodes in my life for is that, as london23 intimates, is that it makes you realise just how valuable your close family are. During both bad my anxiety and breakup episodes they were my rock in a way that surprised even me. It made me appreciate even more just how dear they are to me. My relationship only broke up a month ago suddenly... it left me pretty devastated yet thanks in large part to their constant support, i'm in a much better place than i was a short time ago. :winking0008:

Best wishes,
Gen.
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2013, 11:19:58 AM »
Quote
they gradually became ever more busy and noticeable by their lack of absence

That should say "noticeable by their absence". Oops! :speechless-smiley-004:

Regards,
Gen,
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Feeling of being on my own, isolated and complete loss of self esteem
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2013, 12:03:23 PM »
Can I change the often harsh outlook on friends? Probably not, but I can try. Since I have failed with both family and friends, I have a view from the other side. We simply don't know what forces are at work in another's life. Maybe they can barely keep afloat themselves, are beholden to others, can't manage what is in their life, feel vulnerable, scared, etc. They can't help themselves no less anyone else. What judgment should we pass on them?

My self-reliance is based on no expectations and moderate feelings one way or another. I trust someone to do what he/she can do and make a concerted effort to take nothing personally.
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