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Author Topic: Next to no hope left  (Read 241 times)

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Offline jethbones

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Next to no hope left
« on: December 05, 2013, 05:59:08 AM »
I don't want to have to fight through every day anymore let alone every hour. I'm so tired, drained and have come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I push, this is it, this will always be it.

I wish I could just escape, just leave and either return to South Africa to work with primates again or have a magic opportunity to volunteer abroad again and in simple terms, run away. I love my mam and my family, my mam is my absolute best friend and rock, and I hate to put her through this.

2 weeks ago I had to have follow up tests from a year ago where I had insanely painful intimate examinations, to ensure that I in fact do not have any physical damage after an incident almost 5 years ago and it is solely vaginismus (of which is ruining my 6 year long relationship). I've been bleeding since and didn't realise how horrible the aftermath would be, I thought I dealt with what happened, with how I've felt, but evidently I have not.

The same day there was a huge family conflict due to my dad, who is an alcoholic, so in addition to having to get over what happened that day, all that crap happened, and is still on going.

I really want to be that person who copes, but I can't. I really do think I need to go into inpatient or something, because I am losing it. I don't know how to stop it. I'm 19 and should not be feeling this pathetic. My urges to have rhinoplasty are overwhelming due to my body dysmorphia.

I weaned myself of my prozac thinking I was handling it, but I think that was a mistake. I'm still on my quetiapine and pregabalin, but am beginning to not want to socialise again, I am petrified of going into work and am scared that this will not stop.

How do you cope?
What do I do?
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln ... "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

Offline Salus

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Re: Next to no hope left
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2013, 11:04:52 AM »
Never give up hope I'm 53 i try not too.
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Offline DaphneNL

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Re: Next to no hope left
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2013, 05:32:54 PM »
I know you don't believe me, and it's completely stupid to say this, but I'm saying it anyway; you're beautiful!  :yes:
Now on to the part I hope you will believe; you're worth this fight. And if you have to get out of this situation and go somewhere else, than maybe you should do that. You're in a situation where you don't get the chance to heal, physically and mentally.
You can't take care of other people if you don't take care of you. You sound like a very intelligent girl that has hopes and dreams. Please hold on to them.
I know exactly what you mean if you say that you "want to be that person who copes". I struggles with that thought for ten years. And it turned out that I needed those ten years to find out that the only way to start coping is to let go of the perfect image that you want yourself to fit in to.
You will learn to cope when you start to accept certain things about yourself. And if you need help with that, make sure you get it. If meds help you, then starte taking them again. That's not giving in to your demons, that's taking care of yourself. If you ever want to talk, feel free to sent me a pm. Take care of yourself girl. Life will be beautiful again.
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Offline jethbones

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Re: Next to no hope left
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2013, 04:18:00 PM »
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I hope that at the age of 53 that you are feeling supported.

Knowing how selfless and lovely some individuals are regardless of their own issues is so comforting, so again, thank you.

You're point concerning not having the chance to heal properly has really hit home with me, you are completely right. Thank you for your kind words.

You're very selfless, and I will keep that in mind, really I will. :)

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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln ... "If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

Offline DaphneNL

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Re: Next to no hope left
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2013, 07:24:50 PM »
I didn't go through the same situations you did, but I know most of the feelings you describe. We have to be there for each other. It's not an easy world and the feeling that we understand at least a bit of what other members of this message board go through gives me strength.
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