I don't want to have to fight through every day anymore let alone every hour. I'm so tired, drained and have come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I push, this is it, this will always be it.
I wish I could just escape, just leave and either return to South Africa to work with primates again or have a magic opportunity to volunteer abroad again and in simple terms, run away. I love my mam and my family, my mam is my absolute best friend and rock, and I hate to put her through this.
2 weeks ago I had to have follow up tests from a year ago where I had insanely painful intimate examinations, to ensure that I in fact do not have any physical damage after an incident almost 5 years ago and it is solely vaginismus (of which is ruining my 6 year long relationship). I've been bleeding since and didn't realise how horrible the aftermath would be, I thought I dealt with what happened, with how I've felt, but evidently I have not.
The same day there was a huge family conflict due to my dad, who is an alcoholic, so in addition to having to get over what happened that day, all that crap happened, and is still on going.
I really want to be that person who copes, but I can't. I really do think I need to go into inpatient or something, because I am losing it. I don't know how to stop it. I'm 19 and should not be feeling this pathetic. My urges to have rhinoplasty are overwhelming due to my body dysmorphia.
I weaned myself of my prozac thinking I was handling it, but I think that was a mistake. I'm still on my quetiapine and pregabalin, but am beginning to not want to socialise again, I am petrified of going into work and am scared that this will not stop.
How do you cope?
What do I do?