Barriers to overcoming Health Anxiety

[Got my mojo workin]

Still searching for ways to help and understand my boyfriend, a long-time HA sufferer.

Here's a point that I've been pondering, and thought I'd see what light you guys may be able to shed on it.

Let's say that someone is finally in a position to rid themselves of the erroneous notion that they are physically impaired/ill/etc. Conditions may have converged to make it possible--just possible--for them to leave this health-related phobia behind them.

But if they open their minds to the realization that all their problems may only have been in their head, doesn't it therefore also hold that they are then forced to confront the reality that they've been willfully deluding themselves for years? (In my boyfriend's case, decades!) How cruel and scary it must be to suddenly know that all the horrible symptoms you've been suffering from have all been caused not by some disease, but rather by your own faulty thinking. You've been doing it to yourself!

It just seems as if that fact, in and of itself, may prove in many cases to be too devastating to come face-to-face with. In other words, wouldn't it be easier for a lot of people to simply stay in this self-imposed delusion than to admit that they've been needlessly limiting themselves/wasting time/short-changing themselves and everyone else around them for so long?

Also, if anyone cares to follow up, I'm still wrestling with some of the issues I raised in reply #15 to my other thread on this board "I'm in love with an ANXIOUS man."

You can't know how much I'm learning from your advice and perspectives. For everyone that's taken the time to respond to my posts: thank you!

[marc]

Health anxiety is at times difficult to deal with. Perception becomes reality as in other aspects
of life. It can be overcome though, at least to some extent.

[wannabfree]

Hi, If you don't mind me asking, how old is your boyfriend? Does he have any family, or friends?

I am sorry I can't help more. When it comes to having HA, a lot of it is personal. We all may have common traits, but sometimes how we got here is different and how we carry it out is different, so I can only speak from my experiences. I myself have had HA tendencies for decades (like, if I had a headache, one of the first thoughts would be that I would have is "hope it's not tumor", but these were passing thoughts and didn't totally affect my life, though I am sure it’s not good for me to think this way, and must be frustrating to the people around me when I did this), but for me, I have had HA episodes that last a few months at most, and then go away because I get to work on myself. I went years between one bad episode to the next (and I believe that a lot of the HA came back because I got complacent about working on my anxiety, and I let it get out of hand). Looking back, I see a pattern to my episodes and the pattern usually indicates that I was trying to avoid something painful or extremely upsetting. I am sure that it's upsetting that your boyfriend has been living like this for decades. Do you know much about his life, like why he is anxious to begin with? This could sometimes help explain some of his HA. For example, both of my parents are anxious people, and whenever we were ill as children, they automatically assumed it was something bad. My therapist has suggested that a lot of people with HA may have received a lot of attention when they were ill, something that they usually didn't receive otherwise. Sometimes they will subconsciously associate being ill with being comforted, thus loved. I could say that there may be elements of truth in that. Does your boyfriend have a pattern to his HA? Does anything in his life indicate why he is extremely anxious? How does he handle things that would trigger his anxiety?

I am sure that there is a certain amount of regret and guilt associated with living years and decades with HA. I've struggled with that myself for being so distracted during my most recent HA episode. I suppose this can happen with lots of issues people deal with. However, I cannot imagine that a person would rather live in a delusional state over reality. Unless they feel that a constant delusional state is easier to face than the ups and downs in life, not just as a tool to avoid some unpleasant times, but rather, to be constantly removed from life. In this case, he may need to change his therapist. Also, a therapist would help him overcome a lot of the guilt and regret he may have about his HA. Sure it’s scary and horrible to realize that we have done this to ourselves, however, I for one would prefer to realize that I have done this to myself and know that I can change this about myself than to really have a disease/illness/condition. Sure this realization sucks, but I get the message that I need to change something about my life, and with this realization, the possibilities are limitless, whereas if there really is an illness, my input is limited. In a sense, to realize and accept that this is anxiety is liberating. But, you may be getting ahead of yourself and worrying that your boyfriend will not be able to handle this realization. He very well could.

We can't change someone. We can work on ourselves, we can support them if they are seeking help, we can be patient during times of trial, and we can suggest they get help if they are not getting it. We can tell them how they need to change certain things about their lives in order to have a better relationship with us. These are some of the things we can do in a partnership, regardless of what the issue is at hand. However, the person with the problem needs to decide to change, and stick with it. The only one that can change this is your boyfriend. If he is not even ready to admit he has HA to this extent, and that the anxiety can be causing all or most of his sensations, than there is only so much you can do. 

Is your boyfriend at the point where he is opened to the possibility that his number one issue is not an illness, but anxiety?

I am sorry I cannot help you. I just want you to know that there is a way out of HA (I am working on mine and know many others are too).

[seleck05]

I wanna say that I see a similarity with wannabee to the extent of parents as a youngster being anxious and showing love about illness. My family was never really very outwardly affectionate except when I was suffering from some very real but not life-threatening conditions I had when I was young(migranes, a seizure, ovarion cysts). I remember very disticntly when I first had to have an ovarion cyst removed when I was fourteen, my mother telling me how they would probably have to take out my ovary and I should be prepared for the fact I may not be able to have children naturally. One time when I was about 12 I stabbed myself with a pencil by mistake and had to get tested for lead posioning and my father went on and on telling me to go get tested again cause I probably had it and would need my hand amputated. So, while I am not even close to being cured yet and honestly am not at a place where I can say I'm positive anxiety is the only thing at work influencing my symtoms I can see where I would end up with HA from and recognize I have anxiety.

[Got my mojo workin]

In answer to your questions, wannabfree, my boyfriend is 58 and he does have family and friends.

Thanks for your very thoughtful and well-reasoned response. Much of what you said rang true in his case. The thing I was most struck by (and seleck05 mentioned this, too) was the idea that receiving attention for illness or injury as a child is sometimes a primary way of experiencing parental love. His parents are, as far as I can tell, pretty repressed folks that--while nice enough, certainly--are not given to displays of affection.

In terms of where his is with all this, I would say that after one last medical appointment on 4/29, he will be at a place where he'll pretty much have to either recognize that all this is anxiety-related or go into complete and utter denial. That doctor represents the "last chance" for an alternate diagnosis, and frankly, it's a case of grasping at straws. When this guy tells him he's normal, that will officially rule out any other physical cause for his balance issues--which I'm sure at that point will be labeled "chronic subjective dizziness." SUBJECTIVE being the key word, there.

He has allowed me to accompany him into the exam rooms (and signed paperwork to allow doctors to discuss his case in my presence) on all of these medical forays. What I'm hoping is that he may be secure enough to do the same thing when it comes to his next appointment with his therapist. I think we could really make some strides in that event--or, at the very least, I may be able to see that this psychologist is not helping him with this issue and assist him in trying to find someone else who might be able to.

I totally get the fact that this change has to come from within him. No amount of "wishing it so" on my part will do. But I'm committed to being as informed (thanks to the good folks on this board!) and supportive as I can be while he makes his way through this intricate process.