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Author Topic: The sad story of my life  (Read 1214 times)

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Offline Wolfboxer

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The sad story of my life
« on: November 21, 2013, 12:36:33 PM »
I need to tell you this is not easy for me. Scared of what some of you will think of me, then if you be more weird around me. But the truth needs to be told and my story comes to light. I had many therapists and other kinds of help. Maybe I was too scared to tell them or was not ready. Wanted to word it right so.. they donít get the wrong I deas. Struggling with learning problems then having depression and other things made it hard for me and even with this. Thing a secretly  I only told 4 people onlineÖwhen very  very close too, since I have no friends in real life. Then my mother and sister know too. This has been with me since I was 13 years old. I want to share my story and also ask advice on how to really overcome it. I told one therapist though about this and still not sure if he seeís me weird since he acts a bit funny when I talk about it. Doctors wise not sure if they really diagnosed me with PTSD though my med doctor she says I have it slightly. So not fully sure right now. I will get it checked out more soon. But..here is my story.

Growing up with learning disabilities was hard on me. Not fully understanding the world yet even though I was coming of age still my mind set was much younger than others.  When about in my early teens when I moved here and was 11 my mind set was 8 or 9. Some of the things I donít get is math and reading and staying focused. So even though I was physical 11 My mind didnít match well. To my main point moving to KS when I was 11 when my parents split up was hard on me. I didnít know what it meant to what my new life would be here. My dad still helped out me and my older sister even if we lived with my mother. He gave us a computer when I was 12 to help with homework and something fun to entertain a bit sometimes. Games wise. I never really understood it till I went on it more and at age 13.. was curious about stuff. Since I am a curious person. I had a ***** email back then and saw they had kids chat rooms. I never talked to people online but I gave it a try. Nervous and not sure what to say. I interacted with them. First it was sort of ok then more boys around my age were there. 14 or 15. One approached me and we started talking. Said we had a lot in comment and was nice. Then it got very badÖ. I seemed to be only person he wanted to talk too and asked me to private chat with him. I said ok since I never tired it then he had his cam on and showed me his thingÖ I didnít know what was going on and too scared to ask whatís happing. I thought it was normal for people online. I really didnít know. Then it got much worse asked me where I lived and wanted me to do things.. I got cought up in it but NEVER showed myself or touched. He then was saying come on..or donít tell your mom. My mom knew I talked to people or was online but I was drawn to it I didnít know if it was wrong or right. I got confused and with my mind set and learning it made me think its normal. My mom found out then saw him on cam only hisÖ thing though and screamed at me. Then shut it off before she blocked him and I think told the site chat thing. I was yelling and confused.. why are you yelling at me. She cried so much that day I never seen her cry like that. She told me he is a bad man and a pedoÖ He didnít care for me.

She didnít go in too much detail but said he would killed me or worse. I was shocked but mad a bit since I thought it was ok for my age to do. Then it slinked in and took its toll on me.. I went online still but not on chat like that or ***** stuff. But I was more a wear of people like that and I was grounded for 2 months because of what happened. My mom was watching me more and wanted to know what I was doing. So I let her till later on got annoying to me since I was getting more into my teens. Over that time I met not in person but a lot of people online some good but then left for reasons. Like me having learning problems and depression I found out in 8th grade. I got mistreated a lot online and it was hard in person too since it was happening a bit as well. I met some bad people but never told them my addresses and all that but still took more damaged on me. People lied and used me like in person too but different was a bit. Then thus me fearing people with social anxiety and other problems coming about. It made it hard to trust people or think they did care. Over time now 24 years old I learned a lot and still watch what I say or do. The happiness I felt before online is gone and dead. It changed me and even the move here changed me. Days I wanted to endÖyou know myself. Came always in my mind. People donít care Iím a freak to them. Iím alone. Just bad thoughts over and over. Now I can sort of only talk to people online and takes me a while to really fully open up. I know this is hard to believe to some of you reading this but itís the truth and really traumatized me. I know I proud sound bad or weird to  a lot  of you but.. I need to share in case you do talk to me you know why.. Iím distant or not so into the convo or get sad a lot. I came a long way and told a few people my story. I just wanted to post this to get advice or help on covering coming it. Really this is the truth and I wanted to share it.

The numbers mean Y.a.h.oo
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Offline Stressed Jumper

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2013, 01:52:12 PM »
You are very brave to tell your story.  Please understand that none of what happened is your fault, you were young and naive and taken advantage of by someone older and twisted.  Your mother was wrong to blame you for any part of it and I am sorry you had to endure that.  I can certainly understand how those experiences would erode your ability to trust people but that ability is not lost, remember that.  With time and positive experiences you will be able to reclaim your trust.  I will not lie to you, it will take time and it will be hard and you will doubt yourself...but it can be done.  How do I know?  Because I have been there.  Now I will tell you my story.

When I was 15 I was raped by my boyfriend.  I thought I loved him and he loved me...then he got drunk one night and well, you can figure what came next.  You don't need to hear the details but I'm sure you can understand what it did to me.  I couldn't bear to have anyone touch me, I would run away crying when I had to see him at school, and I blamed myself for...well I don't know what for exactly, but in my mind it had somehow been my fault; my fault that he didn't love me, my fault he'd been drinking, just all my fault.  Of course this wasn't true but it took me a long time to realize it.  Thankfully I had a wonderful grandmother and wonderful friends who, when I finally told them what he had done to me, were incredibly supportive.  I spent a lot of time talking to them and crying on them but eventually I was able to let go of the fear and guilt.  It was a long time before I had another boyfriend but it did happen, and he was very kind and very sweet and continued to restore my faith in the opposite sex.  I am now happily married and have a wonderful relationship with my husband both emotionally and physically. 

 Being able to talk about what happened to you means that you are ready to begin the healing process.  If you are not seeing a counselor now I highly recommend you find one you are comfortable with who specializes in childhood trauma and sexual abuse.  Tell them the truth and let them do their job and help you work through this.  You are strong and you are brave, never forget that.  If I could move past my trauma so can you.  Hang in there and keep me posted!

P.S.  Feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to.
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Offline Wolfboxer

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2013, 02:17:25 PM »
***** Stressed Jumper

She was just confused and angry not at me at the person. She really isnt bad for that. She told me later on..she got that from her dad my grandpa..she never told me or my sister. So she was worried and maybe was on edge about it. She is a very good mom, with out her I would not be here today. But I understand what you mean. She and I are close now, very. But what happen is hard to forget and still struggling to get over it or anything else in my past. but yes I will seek more help out. My mom helps me with a lot and maybe dose not everything how I feel since most people with a depressed son/daughter its hard to be there for them. Cause they can understand and do so much. But thank you so much for telling me your story it i very sad and I am here for you as well. I thought people  who read this would not like me or think weird of me. I help people if I can if there young and online. I NEVER want to see that happen to someone.. I can't change what they do but I can give them suggestions.

Thank you Stress Jumper. I appreciate your comment and advice very much.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2013, 02:26:55 PM »
Well it takes a brave person to write such a post. So give yourself some credit today. You wrote your story out. People are not going to think any the less of you. You will still my little Pet Wolf. The thing about online life is that, at times, you never really do know the people. I mean I could pose as a 14 year old. Simply hop onto any site. Get a few younger pictures. Send you the pictures. Tell you it was me. That is the sad reality of the internet. You do have people who do those things. Then you have people who like to show themselves off on web cam. In a sexual way. I remember when I first arrived online. I jumped into a chat room and was trying to understand what people were posting on the screen. It all seemed like coded talk to me. They were setting up cam meetings. Of the sexual sort. I found brave soul who explained it all to me. How it all worked. The wording they all used. I was simply stunned. New on the net. Never knew they were using it for this sort of stuff. I found another room. Another site. One were that sort of stuff was not allowed. I accept that people had other ways to still do it. But I always said ' no thanks '. I admit I was a late starter online. Had a computer for 15 years before I got the net hooked up. I wouldn't have been as young as yourself. I think when you are young and arrive online and you this sort of stuff going on, you do think ' it's only normal '. Or ' This is what people must do online '. People know how to sucker you in to their games. That is all it is to them. Games. They don't care about the emotions of any of the people they are playing these games with. I think this is what got you. You thought it was normal. Shocked as you were. But once you mother found out, it hit home hard that it wasn't normal at all. It frightened you. You still question people online. Wonder is everybody the same. I think your mother was just concerned. As any parent would be. She loves you a lot. Just didn't want you getting mixed up in anything wrong. As a mother she has to think of how to handle it. As a growing teen we don't always agree with how parents handle things. These are our rebel years. We are going through a lot of changes. Body wise. So much going on. Then you had the move to Kansas and the split between your parents. That would never be easy at that age. Kids question such break ups. They can even blame themselves at times. Think they done something wrong. Think they are not wanted. Just a whole head full of wrong thoughts. But thoughts you are exploring. It just seems like so much happened so quickly in your life. That can throw you big time. Depression can easily kick in. You can back away from so much in life. But never ever feel ashamed of your past. You are who you are. There is no such thing in life as the perfect person. We all have things we don't like about ourselves. Things we would change if we could. But as we know we can't change them. Because it is who we are, we learn to accept these things as been part of us. We learn to love ourselves for who we are. I never look for others to approve of my self love. It is not been big headed at all. It simply means I am happy with myself as I am. If others don't like that, then that is their problem. They can learn to deal with it. I am not sure if you ever read any affirmations before? They are sentences. They can be about life, love respect, that is towards ourselves. You can find loads online. I would try writing some of these out on stick paper. Then stick them around your bedroom. Every time you see one in the room say it in your head, or out loud. You are feeding these positive messages into your subconscious mind. The more you do this, you may not think so, but changes will begin to happen.

http://www.self-improvement-mentor.com/self-love-affirmations.html

Above is a link you can click on. You will see what affirmations are. Loads of people use them. So don't be afraid to give it a go. See does it work for you. But let me begin with the positive talk. Since you joined this site you have shown yourself to be a kind person. You have shown yourself to be a caring person too. Even making your small gifts for people by way of your graphic design work. That is so thoughtful and so caring. You shared music too. Another small gesture. But one that was liked so much. I hope you find, that by using this site, that not everybody is the same as the first people you ever encountered online. I know we joke around at times in the room. I think this is a release for most people. To get away from all the serious stuff of the day. But now you are part of us all here on this site. We all accept you for who you are. We like the person you are. We are always here to listen to you. To help you if we can. You are with friends here.
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Offline Wolfboxer

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2013, 03:00:36 PM »
***** Cuchculan

Thank you for replying and encouraging me to stay strong. I will look at the website. I sorta heard of them before. Thank you for calling me caring and kind. I do my best to help others or just be there for them. Had this and some other struggles in my life and finally now I took charge of it and moved on. to accept things and leave the past beside. And try to keep thinking positive.  Slowing things are turning around and I'm happy some are even if it is slow to make them happen  or come to happen. I thank you so much Curh my friend for all what  done for me. Your truly a good person and friend to me. I'm glad I met you and hope we can be friends for a long time.

Thank you. ((((Hugs))))
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Offline WhoAmI?

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2013, 06:35:17 PM »
I have to give you HUGE kudos for being able to tell your story.  I am nowhere near that point yet and your ability to tell your story tells me that eventually I will be able to tell mine.  I can tell you that most of my issues stem from severe abuse as a child, however even my therapist is pretty limited to a lot of what happened.  I am still nearly completely convinced that everything that happened to me was my fault.  I understand what it is like to think that something that you think is normal later turns out to be wrong. 

Again, it is so wonderful that you were able to tell your story and I am so sorry for what you went through.  Please know what a wonderful, strong person you are.
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Courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the presence of fear.  ~Unknown

Offline XOTWOD

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2013, 01:41:32 PM »
Pretty, this must have taken more than just courage to share with everyone. You should be really proud of yourself, you have obviously come a long way since then. Just know that I will never judge you for what you share and I don't think any less of you. I just hope you know that I am your friend, even if it is just online. You can talk to me about anything and what happened to you must have been traumatising but just know that never blame yourself for it and never be ashamed to talk about your past. You be yourself and you share whatever you want to with us all and you will never be judged.
(hugs)
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Offline Wolfboxer

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2013, 10:28:39 AM »
***** XOTWOD and WhoAmI?

Thank you for replying. I hope  I stay strong and hope things do get more better for me. Idk if I am brave or so strong. But I am trying. But I thank you for reading and saying what you did. Much love to you both.
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Online tinam7

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2013, 09:06:46 AM »
Want to echo all the wonderful responses here and commend you for your great courage to share your experience. The online world can be mighty treacherous.

You've come to a good place here. We'll do whatever we can to support you. We embrace you.
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Offline Leo99

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2013, 12:46:11 PM »
Hey, wolfie,

I just read your story and I think what I've already thought: you are a kind person, a sweetheart really. Now I know you are brave also and sharing your story is a good idea in my opinion. Firstly, it lets you sort your thoughts and secondly, it lets people know what you've been through. No one will think less of you for it (or they are the ones with a problem!). Internet is sometimes a jungle. We all search for approval and acceptance in our lives and though internet sometimes can be a fast lane, it often can be a place of abuse and dissapointment.

Thank you for sharing.  :nature-smiley-003:
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

Offline Wolfboxer

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2013, 03:46:53 PM »
Update  on me sorta]

Well thank you all who have spoke to me and been here for me during some tough times. I'm getting re tested if I have bipolar or maybe PTSD.  It was never really confirmed if I have it but a lot of my doctors and my med doc said I have it slightly and the meds I take for depression but more anxiety treat it. I just want to know fully if I have it or not or something else. I just don't feel its working. I am going to therapy and have some people to talk too but my meds just dont seem to do nothing much. I am more healthy than I was and losing weight so I know its not that. I hope it goes well I see her this Wednesday. My med doc I mean. I just really need to figure all this out. I'm going sing up for some basketball stuff in my town and be on a little time. Get me motivated and around others. Then working on some art to sell and get money for it. Other than that  doing things for Me just stuff to get me out in the world to taking care health and mental wise.  Well not sure what else to say. Still online and in life for me is really hard but going try and push through it. Being around or finding people who do care and treat me right. That support I would love to have. <3~~~~
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Offline Liana

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2013, 05:14:29 PM »
Thank you for sharing your story Pretty.  I've only just met you here, and what I've seen is that you are a very sweet, and caring person.  Talking you today I can see that you care so much for everyone here.  Just remember that we are here for you too.  Keep fighting Pretty, and don't let people hurt your feelings.  Feel free to message me anytime.

Liana
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Offline Leo99

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2013, 01:46:08 AM »
Hey, wolfie,

nice to read you are making all the positive steps. You will find your way and we will be there for the support.
People will hurt your feelings in the process, we all get hurt, but that's part of life. It will make the good stuff taste even sweeter.

You deserve all the support you can get. You are already giving so much care and attention to people around you.
Stay sincere, that might make some people avoid you, true, but on the long run it will get you friendship from those that deserve it.

Love, Leo
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

Offline CNikki

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Re: The sad story of my life
« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2014, 01:22:13 PM »
It's a big step on wanting to be open about your story that you seem to have had years of shame and regret for. This does not make you a weird person and I can assure you that it has nothing to do with what your disabilities may be. Eleven is still a pretty young age and when given the privilege to the internet someone should've given you a talk as to what dangers one can have while they're on it and not careful. Parents mainly should be doing this but if not that then the school you would attend to at one point should - unless if you were home schooled or private schools not doing it for any reason. But saying your age now things may have been different for when you were in school than when I was since the internet got more popular by the time I reached middle school.

Saying that, when talking to your therapist or doctor they shouldn't be giving you a cold shoulder or find you weird for it. It could be that you may be under the impression that they think so or maybe they are thinking that, but it should be expressed how much that has damaged you for them to see it is. You are older now and more aware of the types of people you can meet on the internet. I'm sorry that online friendships haven't worked so well for you either as well as real life. You'd be surprised as to how many people who don't have much of friends turn to online ones and they can still fail - including myself.

You seem like you are being too harsh on yourself and just because people like taking advantage when talking to you only through a screen does not mean that you are low of a person. If anything the people who want to be creepy to others must really have nothing better to do with their lives and that's why they do what they do.

Take care of yourself and hope it gets better for you. We all make mistakes and we learn. :)
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I'm too weak to live, I'm too weak to die.

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