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Author Topic: Is anyone else in a similar situation?  (Read 493 times)

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Offline XOTWOD

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Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« on: November 11, 2013, 10:10:30 AM »
I'm 18 and I have never had a boyfriend. In a way it is my fault because when someone tries to get close to me or wants to get to know me, I push them away or convince myself that I am not good enough for them. I hate that my younger sister and younger cousins have had relationships and their first kiss and are in current stable relationships, but I get so jealous. I feel so ugly and as though I will never find someone who can be patient with me and accept me with all my troubled past and flaws. I just want a guy who can be understanding, I know I can be serious sometimes, but that's because I was sexually abused for many years, until I was 12 by my grandfather. I mean obviously that it going to affect me psychologically. But I hate it when that gets in the way of a potential relationship and the anxiety just builds up. I can't be open with anyone and with guys I have been open with they get scared and run away. I feel like everyone else my age has done everything and I still haven't even had my first kiss, I feel so stupid. I am so fun and bubbly and I know I could be great in a relationship, but I just need to know I'm not the only one... :fragend005:
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2013, 01:49:39 PM »
That first kiss will come in time. But first you need to address you past issues that are holding you back. I am not sure if you ever spoke to a therapist about what happened to you in the past? It will always be there. Just lurking. That's if it is not dealt with in the right way. I would not class it as an ice breaker. As in you get involved and you tell the person what happened to you. Most people have not been through what you have been through. They wouldn't understand what it is like. Much like anxiety issues. Meeting a person without anxiety issues. I would never expect them to understand my anxiety issues. You have to be through something to fully understand it. Try and sort out that side of your life to begin with. The relationships and the first kiss will happen in time. It is not something you have to do by a certain age. Be patient. It will be worth it come the end of the day.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline XOTWOD

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2013, 07:30:20 PM »
Thank you Cuchulan, your advice has really helped me. I have not been to a therapist because i'm too scared and I haven't told anyone in my family that my past still affects me. I'm always putting on a facade and they believe it. I know you're right and I need to deal with my personal issues first before thinking about bringing someone else into my life, but sometimes i cant help but think that there must be something wrong with me if everyone around me is in a relationship. However, I have been building up the courage to speak to my mum about needing to speak to a therapist, but there has never been the right moment or I just put it off. I don't have a good relationship with my parents, so its hard for me to be open. I just need some courage to make the first step into opening up. I know that once I open up my life will be so much better, but my anxiety just keeps taking over.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2013, 06:39:50 AM »
I know it will be hard. As they probably see this man as some kind of saint. Unaware of what he done on you. Then you will have these thoughts in your head about ' will they believe me '. It is a tough situation. But it has to be addressed at some point. You will meet the right person in time. Have no fear about that one. But that first relationship might be hard on you as you have to trust the person you are involved with. That is were getting help from a therapist is needed. To show you that all men are not the same. You met this evil feck once upon a time. He all but ruined your life. Doing what he done. That is a type of theraphy called EMDR. It might work great on you. It is used on people who have a background of abuse and other serious PTSD issues. But even just talking about it to begin with would be a good start. Take it one step at a time. You will get there in the end. We are always here for you.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline XOTWOD

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2013, 07:20:07 AM »
I will definitely have a look into EMDR and also really try to confide in at least one person before this year is over. I really want 2014 to be a big year for me where I change my ways, and thanks to you I now realise that change has to start with me being open about my past. Thank you so much for your support and advice.
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Offline DaphneNL

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2013, 08:13:13 AM »
I kissed for the first time when I was 17. Much later than my friends. But I'm glad I waited. My first kiss was very special. I think it's a shame so many people think there's a certain age where you have to be kissed or have to had sex. You experienced some really really bad things, that no young girl should ever have to go through. So give yourself a little break. I understand you're afraid to go to a therapist, but maybe you should just give it a try. Ask for a female therapist if that makes you less uncomfortable. If it's still too scary for you, we are here tot listen to you until the day comes you're ready to take that step.
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Offline XOTWOD

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2013, 11:48:39 AM »
I guess you're right, there really isn't a certain age where you have to be kissed or have sex. I think I just over-think things and I should give myself a break in regards to what I have been through. Thank you so much Daphne, I honestly feel more relieved and I think I'll stick to opening up here for now and speak to a therapist when I feel ready  :happy0151:
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Offline Cynical

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2013, 08:59:36 AM »
I know where you are coming from as i too suffered sexual abuse as a child and i know what its like feeling ugly and having little self worth. I also know what it's like not letting people get close to you. I'm hoping that as time passes you will be able to talk openly with your family about it and realize that it's not your fault. As Cuchculan said take one day at a time, it will get better. As for your first kiss that will happen when you least expect it. It will help to talk about it but it will become more difficult the longer you leave it.
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Offline XOTWOD

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2013, 09:17:09 AM »
It's comforting to hear from someone who has been in my situation, so thank you. You're right, I have already left it too long and I'm finding it difficult now, I really should open up before it's too late. Thank you so much for your support and advice.
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Is anyone else in a similar situation?
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2014, 11:21:54 PM »
My dear, you are only 18 and worried that you have never had your first kiss?  I won't even tell you how old I was when I had mine, but let's say it was much later than that.  I was just shy and didn't really trust men, etc.

I eventually found a guy who fell for me hard and was actually pleased that I hadn't been in a relationship before.  My first kiss with him was absolute heaven!!!  Well worth the wait.  I was with him for 7 years. 

Don't even worry about "everyone else."  In fact, why do you really care so much about it?  Because it makes you feel "different"?  So what.  Enjoy being single.  Work out whatever it is you need to work out.  Myself, I'm pretty proud that I haven't "been around the block" like other women my age.  (No disrespect to these women.)  And, the kind of guy I would attract is, IMHO, more of a keeper than someone who would be disgusted by it. 

By the way, you'd be surprised how many women (and men) have been sexually abused....
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