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Author Topic: Friends and thier Relationships!!  (Read 646 times)

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Offline PinkIcePrincess

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Friends and thier Relationships!!
« on: November 10, 2013, 04:42:28 PM »
How does others handle helping your friends with their relationships without getting sucked in day after day and feeling drained ??
 I have my own mental and physical issues and now my Mom has cancer and the friends I have still call me to vent and complain I never call them I am not one to do that.. I can not tell them to stop calling because I am agoraphobic and hardly leave home but soon that will be changing more and more due to my Moms health.
 I just wish they would understand I don't feel good and that I need help also and I can NOT hold them up and fix their relationships and when I do give advice they want to back track and defend the man that they are complaining about... I can not make them see you do not need a man or woman to make it in this world so Please don't take any form of verbal or physical abuse!!
 I also deal with my Dad on the phone always complaining or lying to me or he is trying to drag me down and make me feel bad about myself.. He does drain me and make me mad at him but I can not just never talk to my dad again.. I love him but I don't like he has treated his own children and his jealousy over my Hubby and Our Home and Life also my Relationship with my Mom.. I am so tired of trying to help so many People and get hardly any help at all back.

Please tell me how do we stop them without hurting them ?? I know they don't seem to care I am hurting but they do tell me how I am so great to talk too but dang I can be throwing up sick and they still want HELP!
 HELP LOSING THE REST OF MY MARBLES!! I am!!
 I am so honest and blunt I do make people mad but I just can not do that with some people.. I guess maybe because I love them??
 Thanks for any Help
PinkIcePrincess
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2013, 05:33:09 AM »
You have a life with a lot going on in it right now. Tell these people that. Simple ' Sorry, I am the right person to talk to, right now '. Explain you have too much going on to be able to handle any more problems. If they don't understand they are selfish individuals. I am sure they know about your mother. Let's not pretend they don't. I'm in Ireland and I know about your mother. Even if you were to put your mother to one side for the sake of sorting things out. I would ask them why they assume you have all the answers. That would be my first point. That you are only human after all. You have issues of your own. Some you like to keep private. But still so much going on that you feel you are not the person they should be asking for advice. You can tell them that you respect their friendship. That will never change. But right at this moment in time they will have to ask someone else for advise. Never take a person's problems on board in such a way that it brings you down. If you do listen to these people learn how to give an answer and let go of what you have just heard. Instead of letting it rest on your mind. I can help people out. Be it offline or online. Within five minutes I am finished thinking about their problems. If I give an answer, good. That is the end of that. I don't hold on to what they told me. If they come back a second time, I will ask what they done the first time. Tell them if they are not willing to help themselves then I simply can't help them. That does be it. I drop the issue from my mind. It is not my problem to deal with. All these people who may ask your advise, you have to do the same, if you do offer advise. Accept the problem is theirs. Not yours. Let them know that. You are no miracle worker. But for now you have your mother to look after. Tell them that. You haven't got the time to be dealing with other people's problems right now. If they don't understand they have serious issues.
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Offline PinkIcePrincess

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2013, 08:39:25 AM »
Thank you Cuch,
 They do know and maybe because the two that have the most issues in their relationships with their men have lost their Mothers to Breast Cancer so maybe they just guess since they have been through it and have to deal with all the emptions and make it through that I will too .. they do ask how I am and how Mom is then right into complaining everyday the same stuff over and over.. I give the advice and the same advice and then again the same advice.. Until they really decide enough is enough it will continue .
 I even try not to answer the phone and that doesn't work one calls back over and over or leaves a message saying CALL ME ITS IMPORTANT! I call its the same thing!!
 I even asked to not call me until after 9-10am what happens the phone starts ringing at 8:30am ! I ask again still no respect.. I love my friends but they have shoved me around so much I don't even hang out with them anymore I would rather set alone then be made fun of for my weight by one who had gastric bypass or my clothes because I am OCD and everything matches or the other friend who actually hit me with a shopping cart to get to a Barbie! Then got upset because I had a panic attack and had to go too the car and gave me Hell for it!!
  I have known one since age 13 and one since 1990.. I love them but dang I just want some support myself ..
  As far as Dad I just don't know what to do he isn't going to change he is 68 yrs old so I give up on that so I just will continue to hang up on him when he makes fun of me or says hurtful things..
  I wish I could just be like some and let people go and not think another thing about it but for me I love people and I want to help them over and over then I get so mad inside myself and let loose then apologize taking all the blame..
  Anyways thanks again Cuch!
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2013, 09:52:05 AM »
This is a double edged sword. Very tough, indeed. Some of us do not know how to seek the help we need. If we cut others off, we must find the inner strength to go it alone. We can come here, we can find ways to strengthen ourself. For me it is CBT, esp. Positive Self-Talk, meditation, exercise, recondition the mind. Trust ourself to soothe ourself.

Caring for your mother is enough. The others need to support you. People here can support you. The beauty of AZ.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2013, 01:42:38 PM »
I think the whole point is, that others, friends wise, don't help her. It is a one sided thing. Her expected to help them all the time. They give nothing back in return. You say you are an honest person. Time to be honest with them. As friends you love and respect them. But as friends you wish they would see what you are going through right now and understand that you haven't got the time to deal with other people's problems right now. That does not mean you have to fall out with them. You don't have to say sorry to them either. You are not doing anything wrong at all. You are making a choice. To work on your own problems for now. Until such a time comes when you feel your problems are sorted out, you may not be able to be there for others the way you used to be. Simple fact. All it takes is a few honest words. Put nicely.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2013, 08:18:07 AM »
Have been thinking. Am I wrong? Could be. Are friendships and relationships simple? Are we simple? Or are we complex, can hardly understand ourself, no less anyone else.

Our true motivations are not so easy to discern.
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Offline PinkIcePrincess

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2013, 03:26:29 PM »
Thanks Cuch and Tinam,
  I have told them  I am drained and I am worn out and I sick also much more and I tell them I can not take a lot of stress it does not sink in with them and they will say things like I AM SO SORRY and what can we do to help you then START UP again about their lives and the arguing with their Men..
  I was a single Mom working 2 and sometimes 3 Jobs yes I was younger then but I didn't need a man to support me I made it! I let each one those friends live with me at different times and they were just pains in the rear and didn't respect my things or my home so they wont be moving in with me anymore!!
  I love them and I don't want to hurt them but No I don't need the added stress now I know they Love me and I love them and they are growing older along with me so that isn't helping either.. but they have let themselves get so into what they need to do too keep a man and NOT be able to get their own places and take care of themselves anymore...

 I don't know really what a True friend is anymore or how to trust one single person.. My son is the one and only person I trust and The Lord..

 I am rambling today because My Moms first treatment was today well I had to have my Hubby take her I pulled my back out lifting on her she is short and heavy and couldn't get out of bed then rolled onto the floor .. I have a bad back so that Hurt.. I am in for a long road and it isn't easy when you have agoraphobia and more..
 Thanks again I am grateful for you both helping!!
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Offline thesilentdiva

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2014, 04:19:12 AM »

I know this is an old post but I went through the same thing today. And it's amazing to find someone else going through damn near the exact same thing. Hope you and Mom are better just wanted to chime in
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Offline PinkIcePrincess

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2014, 08:46:49 AM »
Hi Diva,
 So sorry I came across this and wanted to reply back...

Nothing has changed still the same things happening but some people I cut loose so that has helped but I wont ever cut off my Parents of course...

Moms Cancer is worse the chemo didn't help and it has spread so right now just trying to figure out how or what I am suppose to do to help her when I can barely function myself due to agoraphobia , panic, anxiety, ocd , depression... but I have been doing my best along with the help of my Hubby a cousin but this Tuesday we will know more.. I already knew from the beginning her cancer was all through her and now worse I was praying the chemo would just control it from spreading but that didn't happen.... I have not told her how bad because she has mental health problems also and she is still grieving the loss of my Brother and my Step Dad..
  As far as Friends I do my best and they are trying the two that I really talk to the most and both have lost their Moms to Cancer also... so they can relate to that part but they don't have the mental issues I have like I listed above..

Do they still go on and on about their men YES lol but I talk about mine also but thank GOD he is nothing like theirs I wouldn't tolerate how their men treat them.. Nope..

Then you have people who attack you and say you want a Pity Party or other mean things which is sad.. but I guess its their own inner self issues.. I just can not let people affect me anymore and focus on those that are real and not fake and take accountability and I am not going to argue with ignorance... sadly it hurts and I will keep standing up for myself and others like I always have even if that makes me look like the bad person.. God knows..

Hope things are better for you Diva??
Take care and sorry I am rambling my nerves aren't so good because I am scared of losing my Mommy... yes Mommy ..I get made fun of for calling her Mommy.. sad right... oh well.
PinkIcePrincess
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Offline thesilentdiva

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2014, 02:56:26 AM »
I I am just now seeing this. I hope things have improved and I am upset to hear of your mom's health situation. My friend had cancer to she got better after a bone marrow transplant. when she went in she was stage 4 ovarian cancer and she is cancer free and have been for years so do not give up hope there is still hope.

I still have not talked to my friend about her babbling about her relationship etc. What makes it so bad is she also suffer from anxiety and other little things so she tends to go on about that then it triggers mine. I have to be strong and have that talk with her although I will I don't I think she will change. At which point I'm afraid I might have to cut her off for my own mental health which is given me great unease over the past few weeks.
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Offline kellymarie90

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Re: Friends and thier Relationships!!
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2014, 12:25:37 AM »
I have a very hard time managing friendship. I go from being very needy to being very reclusive. The typical person does not handle that well. I have lost every friend I have ever had. So right now I would just like to bond with someone! I feel all of your pain
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