I've finally made an appointment at the doctors to hopefully get back on medicine. I've struggled with anxiety much of my life and I've taken medication off and on for it, but I feel like I've come to the realization after dealing with this current bout that I need to be on it consistently and probably forever. It's not worth feeling like this day in and day out. I feel agitated easily, full of doubt, fear, panic and worrisome on what seems like a daily basis, all day everyday. It affects my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I feel anxious all the time, in fear of what may or may not happen and like I want to break down and cry half the time. The mornings are hellacious, I wake up super early with immediate feelings of doom and my stomach is in knots, butterflies and feelings of sickness that sometimes will subside or ease itself half way through the day, but other times it won't and it's with me all day. I can't eat, I know I've lost weight, I feel like I'm unproductive because all I allow myself to do is worry. One worry seems to spiral into another worry and it's just not right - it's not normal. On top of this I feel like I obsess about things and I hate it!!
I was on Effexor for 8 years and stopped it about 3 years ago. I loved how it worked for my anxiety, but hated the weight gain and also the withdraw effects I suffered when stopping it. About a year - year and a half ago I started Zoloft (setraline) and it worked well for me, to the point that I was feeling normal and functional again and then I stopped it. I felt normal so I thought why continue. Why didn't I realize at that point that I needed to stay on it, that despite my repeated attempts to fight through anxiety with nothing but my own strength that I am unable to do that and I need a crutch. I hate feeling like I have to be dependent on something to feel content with my life, but I also hate these feelings that have recently overcome me even more.
I am actually going to a new doctor today and I'm hoping she's receptive to me starting back on medication without giving me the run around of well try this or that or whatever first before we start you on anything. Wish me luck - these feelings must go away, they are ridiculous!