I have just had such a bad few months. I have been worrying about having cancer since last fall. Then my best friend since we were kids died of sudden cardiac arrest at 41 in January. I've been trying to cope, but I keep thinking I'm doomed to the same fate. Then I had a kidney infection in July, and put on Cipro for 7 days. Then my anxiety exploded, I lost almost 30 pounds in a month. I started feeling like I was having heart attack symptoms in mid-August. That led to a Heart Cath Angiogram, which was perfectly normal, even very good for a 42 year old fat guy with diabetes, but cost me a ton of money.
Yet I still feel very scared, because now my thoughts have turned back to cancer....Pancreatic Cancer, Stomach Cancer, Liver Cancer, Colon Cancer. I have been having weird stools. Some days very loose, sometimes full blown diarrhea, some days perfectly normal. The color keeps changing. It goes from Yellowish, to dark brown, to light brown, to orange-ish. The smell changes all the time too. I know that's gross and I'm sorry. My regular doc sent me for an ultrasound of liver/gallbladder area. No stones. Things looked "normal" except for "fatty liver" which they say is normal for an overweight diabetic, but no tumors or masses. I had a lot of blood tests. Pancreatic enzymes like Amylase and Lipase, which were normal. I had had a CT (non-contrast) in July when I had the kidney infection, and it said that the pancreas, liver, gall bladder, and spleen all looked normal, and compared to one done in 2009 it looked the same.
My doc referred me to a GI specialist. Saw him in early October. I have anemia as indicated from my CBC, but have had it for almost 5 years now and the numbers are stable. My regular doc thinks its from the diabetes and low testosterone. My stool was checked for occult blood, and none was present. But the GI Doc said he wanted to "explore" to rule things out. So endoscopy was scheduled. My non-specific abdominal pain had felt like it was getting a little better, though I've had right upper quadrant discomfort for almost 2 years now....part of the reason for my cancer worries. It never gets better. I told the doc that. But the pain can be manipulated by movement or twisting, and doesn't hurt when I lie down, so it may be muscular, like an intercostal muscle or chostochondritis. But it never heals. Then again, I've had plantar fasciitis in my right foot since February and it doesn't heal either. But back to the main point. The doctor got me worrying more because of wanting to do the endoscopy, and he said if that is clear, he wants to do a colonoscopy.
Well, I kind of freaked and got scared. I cancelled the endo a couple of weeks ago. Remember, I had lost almost 30 pounds from July to August, but by the time I had seen the GI doc in early October, I had gained about 20 of it back. My regular doc said if the weight loss was cancer-related, I wouldn't have easily gained so much back, and I was admonished for even wanting to gain any back since I'm overweight. But now I've lost 10 pounds again since I cancelled the endoscopy and the diarrhea kicked up. So I called Friday to reschedule and they just happened to have an opening in the schedule for this afternoon. So I took it.
Now I'm freaking out about what they might find.
The weight loss seems to have stopped....but not sure. My stools are alternating between full out diarrhea and somewhat formed, but very soft. They are light brownish to yellow, and look weird yellowish when I wipe, and smell foul.
This also happened back in early August when I was having the heart worries, but settled down for a couple of months, and now its back. I am still having non-specific abdominal/RUQ discomfort that comes and goes, but never any real nausea or vomiting or loss of appetite. I also am regular, going once to twice a day, so its not like super frequent diarrhea where I have to rush to the toilet, though I feel like I have to go sometimes when my bladder is full. Not sure of that connection.
I hear about IBS, but not sure my symptoms really fit. Just not sure of anything. I sometimes logically tell myself that I am making mountains out of molehills, and just shouldn't worry so much, but my mind starts running away, so its back to the doctors because I'm afraid they will miss something deadly, especially CANCER.
I have been put on Klonopin back in August and it was working for awhile against my anxiety at .5 mg twice a day, but it doesn't seem to help as much now. I have been prescribed Cymbalta, but I haven't started it. I was on it before, a couple of years ago, and not sure I want to take it again.
I am so afraid of dying. So afraid of not seeing my daughter, who just turned 6, grow up. I feel doomed. I can't get rid of these fears. Every negative or clear test just makes me think its something else, or something even worse. I'm frustrated I don't just feel normal. I don't now how people feel normal and don't worry about death. It consumes me.
I am having constant thoughts of being told I have bad cancer and only have a few months to live, and how I would react. I don't think I could handle it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I can't be a good parent in this state of mind. I feel like I'm having a total breakdown. I cry all the time, thinking about not being alive and not being with my daughter. I don't know what to do. I am spending so much money on doctors and tests, and its putting us in debt, since we're not rich. We have insurance, but the deductibles and co-pays are eating us up.
I just want to go back to when I didn't constantly worry about death, when I was younger. Time is passing so fast. I feel such a loss as I treasured being with my little girl as a baby, and a toddler, as I have been a stay at home dad with her. I miss those times. I am crying now thinking about it.
WHY is my mind like this? WHY is my body doing these things? I feel like life is so cruel, and it would have been better to never have been born than to contemplate death and suffer loss.