Things have hit the fan recently and I need to get some stuff off my chest and hopefully get some feedback or advice or even hear from someone who's hay similar thoughts. I'm very anxious just writing this.
Here's some context, feel free to skip it.
I've always been anxious to some degree, but recently it's gotten to the point where I've decided to address it actively (forum membership and counselling underway!).
Anyway, about four months ago, an incidental cyst was found above my kidney, but at the time they couldn't tell me whether it was serious (I.e. The big C) or not. For anyone, this would've been somewhat worrying, but for me my world fell apart, and after numerous tests, the decision to perform surgery was reached. I'd also never been under General Anaesthetic before, so I was just as worried about that! Being an anxious guy, all of this felt like the end of the world and I even found myself making deals with a God I'd decided to hope existed. I drank quite a lot in the run up to my surgery, had about three panic attacks (along the lines of "I'm gonna pass out, I'm gonna collapse" etc etc) and I even called paramedics out, much to my embarrassment when I'd calmed down and realised I'd wasted resources (sorry to all the taxpayers reading :)).
Anyway, on the results day I was waiting to find out he histology of this weird little lump, and in the waiting area I'd completely long it. I was shaking, sweating, felt incredibly dizzy blah blah blah. I even walked out of the waiting room and sat in the toilet shaking. This was panic on a huge scale. Then, after nearly two hours waiting, the consultant called me in, said "nothing to worry about" which made me cry in front of her and then have the best day or two since it had been found (I was so relieved I made it my mission to try my best, be happy and to help anyone I came junto contact with in any way it could. It felt like I had been enlightened!).
Well that was over a month ago now, and the immense feeling of relief soon passed, and anxiety crept back. I guess it had never left me. It latched onto ideas of philosophy, of time and of chlaustraphobia of being in this mind and body of mine. In particular, something that I had found vaguely uncomfortable in the past (the odd vague anxiety at night here and there) became the focus of my thoughts - that of TIME and CONSTANTLY BEING INTHE PRESENT.
Now, after researching this, I've found a few similar posts on the subject, and as a side note, I've now read a lot of philosophy just to try and get a handle on this unanswerable concept (present ism, metaphysics, perception of time etc) and suffice to say this hasn't really helped, although it hasn't massively exacerbated the situation.
The bottom line is, I can't shake the question from my mind. It's always there. And when I think I'm enjoying something, it comes back and says "how can you enjoy anything? Moments pass in nanoseconds, even pico seconds, and we can never grasp these! Ever! we're all in constant process, constant movement, never static, never GRASPING enjoyment". And of course, there is no answer to this. Even right now I feel completely trapped in my own body and mind at the present moment, constantly shifting into the next present moment, and it's enough to make me feel like I'm going to lose it once and for all.
I do realise I may sound slightly mad, and I've had a few episodes of sheer panic and terror because of this. As mentioned, it makes me feel trapped within a constant upgraspable moment, and very claustrophobic, but of course, we cannot escape ourselves. It also feels like I'm the only one who's ever thought this, that I've somehow found out something that would make the whole human race go mad if anyone thought about it too much. WHY is no-one else on the planet freaking out about the fact that they're only ever in the moment? Even when we think of the future or the past, we're still just NOW, and always have been and always will be!!
Now, I am unemployed at the moment, but I do try and occupy my mind and body daily and try to avoid thinking about this concept. I have a few jobs lined up in the near future and I'm hoping that may help. I'm also seeing a counsellor and I am looking into seeing an existential psychotherapist so fingers crossed. Sometimes, very rarely, I will say to myself "it's the anxiety that's the problem not the question." And I try to accept things which helps. But, as you can probably guess it's a tough one to tackle. I wish I was just normal and worried about stuff like money and what people thought of me, or even wish I was back at worrying about physical health. At least that had a set in stone answer either way.
Anyway, ramble over. If you've made it this far into reading my post, then well done. You've the patience of a Saint.
Thanks for reading guys. Any feedback or opinion would be interesting and appreciated.