Hi there, i've been around in here for quite a few months by now, and i love reading peoples stories, it makes me feel im not the only one in here.
You guys always have an answer to peoples posts. Now im gonna give it a try!
I'm a 25 year old girl, im from Denmark so i apologize in advanced for my bad English/grammar!
I've been suffering from OCD since the age of 5, and my anxiety the same.
I was diagnosed a month ago with Borderline, despite i don't have any classic sympthoms - I've never been depressed, nor suicidal !
The only thing thats gets to me is my temper, i can get angry from anything and nothing at the same time .. I get really aggresive, throwing stuff around etc.
But only in my husbands company, never when we're around anyone else, then i act without OCD and sympthoms of Borderline. However, my anxiety is raging whenever.
Anyway, i was wondering, because im seriously good at telling me something bad is wrong with me such as ''ok this is a sign that im going crazy and/or insane''
The past few months i've acted as if i never believe my husbands actions to be clean and good, i always react like this : yeah right... you didn't say that because you meant it, or because you tried to be nice'' I always let him think, i never believe him when he tries to convience me of his goodness in his actions, even if the actions are minor such as ''im gonna make you a cup of tee hun!'' then i could go like this: yeah right, you only make me that tea, because you know it will make me relax and calm me down and shut me up! Not because youre trying to be nice!
I ALWAYS feel im going insane, like those you see in movies with serious issues where they go psychotic, i find it to look like me, their actions ..
Its kind of the same if you read about an illness and you think you have it because you have 1 sympthom out of 50, and then you start to believe youre ill.
When i see someone i can actually see a symthom they are having, and believe this is whats happening to me, because i can see myself in what they do/think or say or try to explain.
I'm afraid im becoming insane, its a typical OCD kind of thing ..and im used to it, what im not used to is me letting my husband believe i doubt all of his sweet actions ! I always make him think he mean something different with them. And it starts an arguement. - However when i started this, i was doing it because i had to see his ''real colors'' I had to see if i could trust him, eventhough i trusted him back then, i really did ! I just did it to MAKE SURE he did or say the things because he really WAS nice, but the fear of it could be cause of a different reason, was perhaps enough to make me continue doing this .. until now, when i actually starts believing im insane for doing it, its become a habit of mine ... questioning every other of his actions towards me.
I KNOW he's saying and doing stuff because he means them, i really do know that - but i'm too afraid of going insane, that i also believe im right when i questioning his actions, because im thinking : OF COURSE he's thinking im not normal, everyone else would think im not normal for doing what i just did, or saying what i just did or being as frustrated that i was !.
Now im in a dilemma .. am i starting to develop a different diagnose? Am i on the verge of becoming delusional and living in my own ''i only believe what i WANT to believe rest is liars'' world .. am i becoming paranoid skizofrenia? or just paranoid ? - What is happening ?
Whats new in my OCD is that if i can't explain something good enough for my husband, i get agrresive telling him ''' oh you dont understand a thing!!!'' and gets annoyed or angry and it sets me off too. Sometimes i get annoyed, then i get annoyed because im annoyed!!! And my OCD is raging once again. - Also my anxiety kicks off alot atm. When i can't make him understand my thoughts and/or sympthoms, because if he doesn't understand, and tells me nothing is insane in the way im thinking, i believe he just doenst wanna see the issues here! Because he deosnt wanna see his love go through bad things .. and then i believe im alone about htis, and the only one knowing im insane .. is me. What is this?
I really feel, which might be the biggest issue here, that iam not easy to live with, all the problems im having, must be worse for him than for me, and its TERRIBLE for me.. so how must this not feel for him ? I think me thinking im a mess to live with, makes me believe he thinks and feels the same...
This is REALLY hard to explain, and if you don't understand it, please ask some questions ..
I would really appreciate some feedback here, i need to lay my thoughts and worries to rest for tonight. Thank you.