It was hard for me to read these posts only because I have so much been there. Here is what I received from others about my condition:
- You are a selfish person. Try thinking about someone else for a change.
You don't get better, because you don't want to get better. You want to be the focus of everything. Depression keeps you the main focus.
Of course you want to kill yourself, you don't care about anyone else.
I've been through what you are going through, and I just dealt with it.
Some people are dying from cancer. They would give anything to be in your shoes.
There were others, but these were the most popular.
All (yes, all) of my relationships deteriorated to nothing (I am not gregarious to begin with).
Anyway, I have what is called "treatment refractory" depression. This means that, of the over 15 anti depressants, DBT, CBT etc. none have remedied the problem. ECT and Vagus nerve stimulation were the next options. Until:
I came to grips that I have an inherited illness. It is a chronic illness, that is deadly. It may respond temporarily to single treatments (like talk therapy, exercise, diet change etc.) but it is like putting Anbisol on an abscessed tooth. It stops hurting for a few seconds, then it's back.
While taking my Wellbutrin, I attended some talk therapy, started attending NAMI connections for peer support, started reading "The Worry Cure" and doing morning devotions. I attended NAMI peer-to-peer 10 week class. I felt like doing none of this. I started doing it in March of 2012. Today, I am shocking my psychiatrist by the significant improvement I have shown over the past 1.5 years. I see my psych. for my antidepressants (not ready to stop it yet). Wellbutrin is not an SSRI. I am aware it does not help many other individuals. I believe that my illness is my number one priority that has to be managed regardless of how I feel. I will die if I don't use the multidisciplinary approach above. Before ending my life, I wanted to know that I exhausted ALL means of recovery to which I committed. I have struggled many years, and I am not young. I have been hospitalized and "certed" (not let go from being hospitalized because of lack of improvement, and high risk). I feel great most days. I never knew I could feel so good.
Here is what you may be thinking after reading this. "Now I feel worse! This guy got through it, and I never will! It hurts even more to hear someone else getting better. I will never get better." If that is your thinking, remember, like a runny nose for a cold, this thinking is simply a symptom of the illness. "Never get better" "No one can help" "No one else has it this bad" "Oh no! It's coming back!" are all thoughts that are common, and feel real. Nevertheless, they are symptoms. I was told that there is no "silver bullet" that will kill this thing. It is here to stay. I have to manage it. I used to say the comment above "I don't trust anyone" until a group member pointed out that when I say that, I am most likely saying "I absolutely trust myself, no questions asked." I argued the point, as I had no self confidence. They pointed out that they weren't talking about confidence, but trust. I am trusting someone who has proven to be more victimizing than anyone else. I trust my peers today more and more. They accept me when self is putting me down. Peer support, generally is rejected by almost all sufferers. I didn't "try" the above to see if it worked. I committed to it as a last resort regardless of feelings. It's all very scary and humiliating at times, but worth it for me. There are a lot of people out there that are good people who are willing to help you. I appreciate them so much, including here.