I am a 23-year-old, mother & wife. I suffer from severe mental disorders. I use to be suicidal & I still self-harm. My HA is so intense that if I could scale it on a scale from 1-10... it is easily a 50. I am not able to work, drive, or even function & do simple daily tasks; from brushing my teeth, to showering & sadly -- to even taking care of my children. I swear, everyday, that I have cancer. Honestly, I have actually told people that I do. I have thyroid nodules that are multiplying & lymph-nodes the size of a golf-ball. I could go on & on. My Husband & I haven't made love in MONTHS & when we do, we don't have it again for another 3-ish months. I hate sex, but I am also a victim of abuse. It is SOO hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings. Sleep is my only escape, until I open my eyes & I am sadly back to reality. My hygiene is horrible. My teeth are rotten in the back, literally. I dislike leaving my house. I no longer enjoy my hobbies. Why? What the **** is the point? I'm just going to die, anyway. <--- As you can see, I am a pessimist. Happy? No idea what that even means. Oh, & if you are curious about my kids... my son, Tyson, is almost 8. He does not live with me because I had him at 15 and I was homeless. However, I still get to see him & he stays the night at my house for a few nights here N' there. My 2-year-old daughter, Phoenix Rain, a spit-fire she is. See, Phoenix is also a non-verbal Autistic. I know this sounds horrible, but she seems to not even give a crap if I "ignore" her, or not. Hell, it is HARD to even get her to play with me on my (rare) good days. However, when she does want to play (her Autism way of playing) it feels like there is such a large weight on my shoulders. I look into her eyes & want to cry because she needs me. I can't even take care of myself. My Husband, I am surprised he hasn't divorced me yet. I feel like a waste of a human-being. Not sure why God would create someone like I. Maybe I was the work of the Devil himself? Who knows. All I know is my parents didn't want me. My Mom was a drug-addict/alcoholic/prostitute. My Dad was an abusive drug-addict/alcoholic/con-artist & let me just say that when the FEDS find him, he will be spending the rest of his life behind bars. As you can tell, I am not a fun person to be around. Rather depressing, really. We HA need to stay strong & stick together, especially us parents of children on the Autism Spectrum. You are not a bad mother. How do I know? Because you are HERE, on Anxiety Zone, obviously wanting some form of help/advice. You know what that means? You care, not only about yourself... but, most importantly... you care about your son. He needs you. You need him. I know having a child with Autism can be rough, especially the fits they can throw, but he is special. He is yours. Just know that you are not alone. It may seem like a dark Hell, this HA, but I refuse to give-up. I hope you do the same. You are a lot stronger than you think you are & I am sure in time, you will realize that.