I always think of death, and while I also think of meaninglessness of life and how we are all destined to die. My life has not been going well and I find myself obsessively thinking about these grim questions, I overanalyze everything and I've lost interest and joy in basically everything, including sex. You might have seen me in the hypochondria boards, since that was my main problem, but no matter what I do, how much I try to curb the problem, it goes away for a few minutes and always comes back full force. I always feel like I hit rock bottom and that there is nowhere to go but up from there, but each time I manage to get myself temporarily out of a slump, I fall back down even lower.
It has made me a hopeless, egotistical, bitter 23 year old who acts more like a 60 year old going through a mid life crisis. I overanalyze everything, from dropping a plate accidentally and scaring my cat, followed by complete depression that she doesn't like me anymore, to forgetting one name one time and thinking about it the entire day.
I am enrolled in university but I can't do any homework just because of sheer paralysis of thought, and I constantly feel myself being unable to connect with the world. I think of myself now as selfish and self-centred and it makes me feel like crap because I used to care so much about helping people and loving people, but now even that I am questioning. I even wonder if I have lost, or never had the ability to truly sympathize or empathize. I'm digging a massive hole between me and my family, including my loving fiancée. When we are together I don't think about how much I love her but rather, oh I hope I don't have a panic attack, oh I hope she doesn't feel permanently bitter (something she has threatened me with in the past if I kept up my apparent self centred behavior), oh I hope I don't drop dead from this stress, oh I hope I don't have a heart attack while having sex, oh this and oh that.
People tell me "there is no way you think about these things 24/7, it just isn't possible" - my CBT therapist even says it isn't possible. I trust him but am starting to view myself as just another specimen in psychological care, just a bunch of steps to rhyme off that will cure most people, should cure a normal person.
I look ahead to the future and I see my wedding. I should be happy but I feel like I am a ticking timebomb and that things will just get worse until I eventually turn into a comatose depressive mess who eventually just has a heart attack and dies a lonely young man, before my wedding, or that I keep further distancing myself from my fiancée and my family.
I also fear losing them. They are my lifeline. I fear each time they go out because there is a chance they are not coming home. I fear for their own health and I keep thinking that this fear is for selfish reasons, and it just plays into my thoughts that I've lost the ability to relate or sympathize.
I feel like a robot, just sailing through life without feeling anything. Enjoyment has been taken out of just about everything for me. Even food where I obsessively read nutrition facts and think oh 0103 I had too much sodium or oh 0103 I had too much fat, this can't be good.
I am at my absolute wit's end and I fear that if I ever get past this, that I will just slump even further downwards until I just die.