Hello all, my name is Chris and I am a 29 year old male from the San Francisco Bay Area. I have lived with anxiety my entire life and, for the most part, cope quite well with it. Unfortunately, when I am in severe times of stress I also fall deep into a state of hypochondriasis– like I am right now.
My body is in almost constant pain: neck pain, shoulder pain that radiates down both arms and makes my fingers either hurt or tingle (does both), joint pain, sore throat, entire back pain, etc. However, as all good hypochondriacs do, I inspected every inch of my body and found some lumps under my jaw line. Now every typical swollen lymph node place on my body hurts, such as the armpits, groin, and collar bone areas (without swelling present). Although recently I found that when I lift my arm in the up and with my other hand pull the skin in my armpit tight I find a gold ball sized lump on the top of my armpit... common sense would have me thinking that since the lump is only present when I do a series of things, that it isn't anything to be concerned about... but that isn't how my mind is working right now. Bottom line is I am terrified and I am no longer sleeping at night.
I take 3 MG of Lorazapam (one 1MG tablet every six hours) and 1200 MG of Gabapentin (One 400 MG tablet every six hours but no more than 3 per day). The Gabapentin is new and is supposedly helping my stop from having these low (LOW) moods but it makes me feel awful. I am so crazy scared of having Leukemia or Lymphoma that I have purposely gained weight to make sure I still can. Now I have never been a string bean but nevertheless this is the first time in my life I have ever been considered obese (6'0" 225lbs). Now when I sit for long periods I feel a pain in my upper left abdomen (which I should chalk down to a fat person pain) but when I Google it (which I shouldn't) I can only find articles telling me my spleen is enlarged, which is a sign of the aforementioned cancers I am scared of having.
I am unemployed and currently looking for work but have no money, nor insurance to go a doctor to get any tests ran. I am not sure what anyone can help me with aside from it feels good(ish) to write all this down. I am starting talk therapy on Wednesday (there is a clinic in SF that does a severely sliding scale for people with zero income). This is negatively affecting my personal relationships with people I care about because I am constantly asking them for reassurance that I am not dying of cancer.
Sorry this was so long and rambling but I just want to feel better and not have cancer (or any disease for that matter).