Everything seemed to have 'clicked' last night. I figured I have ALWAYS been this way. It has ALWAYS been this way.
I lay in bed last night and I couldn't stop thinking (I do this often), and I was reminiscing about my childhood, and I recognized a pattern through my younger years. I think I have been suffering with GAD my entire life, but I'm not particular sure why I've always been this way. I have a long memory span, and I can remember things back from a very young age, and a couple things shot out at me as I lay thinking about all these things...
Now just like any child, I was just like any other and enjoyed my childhoods. I had friends, I socialized, many girlfriends (yes I did), went to parties, and places. However something jumped out of me is that I was often reluctant to go places sometimes without the push from my mother. I always felt a little concerned and a sense of worry when my mother wasn't in my presence for a certain period of time, and being away from her to long I'd start to get a panicky about it all, and edgey.
There was times at school when I forgot my dinner money or lunchbox (as you do), and when this happened, I would get upset and get very worked up about it all. I wouldn't be able to focus properly for the day in school. There was often times I didn't want to attend school to avoid certain situations, tasks, and exams. Oh yes, exams were the source of all evils when I was a child, I would often panic and get upset. I'm not particular sure why I felt this away, but I never performed well in them, and it had nothing to do with my intelligence. I just could never sit there and relax about them. I absolutely hated them. I would get my mother to call in sick to avoid them even! Of course my mother knew what I was up to. She could read me like a book!
Also, I was never a big fan of school-trips or staying away from home for to long. I could only be away for so long before I would start to get worked up and panic about it. I would have to often ring my mother - just for reassurance. I wasn't big on staying away without her being there in my presence and if I did I had to be contact with her. Most of the children I noticed looking back weren't to bothered or concerned being away from their parents, hey they couldn't wait to get away from them. Not me though. I couldn't handle being away for long. I felt a bit lost after while and just wanted to get home. I do remember a particular time I went to a party, and I didn't feel comfortable at all, so I basically pretended I was sick. I think at the time I was a bit overwhelmed and nervous. I was about 9 years of age or so.
Another occasion, is waiting to take my driving test. I would literally sit there shaking and really worry about it all. Yes I am aware we all get these kind of feelings, but mine was to a different kind of extreme. I was unable to focus properly because the nerves would take over. It would be on the day, once I got there, I would just crumble on the day and forget everything I learned. I could never simply relax and let it be. I was always on the edge. (I did pass eventually (4th time)
Now If had issues, I would always run to my mother first. Yes I think that is probably quite natural as a child, but I would never talk to anybody else about them. Looking back my mother only truly understood me as a child. My father worked away often, and I would only seem him on weekends. So this is why I was very attached to my mother. I always felt safe, and had no worries as soon as she was back in my presence.
My mother passed a few years ago so I haven't really anybody I can really express myself too or talk about my issues. My father doesn't really know what I was like as a child.. My mother always knew I worried and stressed through childhood/teenager years. Before she passed, I was told my mother was most concerned for my well being than the other children. She knew me inside/out, and knew actually what I was like.
I was never a problem child or anything like that. I was a very normal, happy, outgoing child. I did enjoy participating in many sports and activities. But I did worry/stress a lot more than all the other kids. I was sensitive and always felt the need for reassurance. I was a bit weary of people and others.
Sorry for the long post. I just feel that this isn't something I've been having through the last few years, infact its been apart of my life, the worry, the sense of fear, and over-thinking about life in general. All of this is still with me, and has obviously transferred into my Adult years. Its most likely I will always be this way in life, but adulthood is obviously different from being a child/teenager so its more difficult.
If you took the time to read all of this then much appreciated.