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Author Topic: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes  (Read 776 times)

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Offline A1985

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Hi All,

I am new to posting on Anxiety Forums but am in desperate need for someone to talk to. This is a pretty long story so I appreciate anyone that reads it and can maybe help me out.

Basically, I have been married for about 2 months to a wonderful man. Our wedding and honeymoon were fantastic.  About 2 weeks after our honeymoon my friend wanted to have a “girls night out”. Now I am in my late 20’s and used to go out to the bars and drink all the time, this has since changed just due to a different lifestyle.  Anyway the night was fun; we had dinner and several drinks. However, as the night went on, maybe around 1 AM a group of guys started dancing and flirting with us. Some even bought us a few drinks. I told them all that I was happily married and was not interested in them “like that”.  However, I did dance/talk/flirt/drink with one of them for about 45 min- 1 hour. At the end of the night we left, no phone numbers exchange or anything of that nature, the girls and I went home and went to bed. That night I didn’t feel like it was a big deal.  Well I woke up the next day racked with anxiety and guilt, I immediately told my husband that we were dancing with a group of guys. I didn’t get into every detail. This has happened before in our 6 year relationship and I have told him about it. Each time he said, if nothing more happened (i.e. kissing or phone number exchange) than he doesn’t need to know AND that he doesn’t tell me if he dances with other girls.  But now 3 weeks later I CANNOT stop thinking about it. I want to bring it up to him every chance I can and lay out every single detail of the night (even the guy telling me I was hot etc.). I won’t do this because I know it will only make ME feel better temporarily (getting it off my chest) and him feel worse.  Its gotten to the point where I can’t even sit near him because I feel like I am going to explode with guilt and what I think is the saddest part, I can’t look back on our wedding day/honeymoon and feel happy. I just think about how bad of a person I am for talking and flirting with someone else. I really do not know what to do at this point, I have talked to my friends and they all said I was fine, I have been seeing a therapist (but don’t have an appointment until next week), and I think my mom and sister are sick of hearing me talk about it.
Is this a side effect of anxiety/obsessive thoughts etc.? I feel like a normal person wouldn’t be this upset about a fun little night out with the girls but I honestly just feel so desperate at the moment.
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Offline Leo99

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2013, 06:10:58 PM »
Hi, A1985,

I've read your story and I do think it's kind of obsessive thoughts related. Our obsessive thinking always fixates on our certain actions and deeds to 'prove' to us we're out of control, worthless etc. Loves to makes us feel guilty about, well...ourselves.
What you describe is, for me at least, a part of normal human interacting. Nothing bad happened. If someone tells you you're hot, take it with a smile. It's called a compliment  :P. You deserve fun and compliments.
You did nothing bad. And you are not a bad person. It seems like you want people to reassure you as regards that. Though reassurance seeking/giving isn't the best way to go with obsessive thoughts, I'm making an exception this time lol. Even your husband thinks nothing of it. Sounds like you have a good solid relationship. So be proud of that and remember the wedding with happiness  :winking0008:.

Take care!
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

Offline Pdonner

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2013, 10:40:25 AM »
I had the exact same issues when I got married to my wife a year ago. I would obsess over if I talked to a woman, because my OCD considered it cheating. The obsessions would be from months previous when I spoke with someone at work, or someone attractive came into work and I thought they were attractive. It was horrible. My wife was very patient with me and listened to it all. I met with a counselor and just practiced normal interactions with members of the opposite sex and now things are much better.
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Offline Leo99

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2013, 09:44:29 AM »
At the end of the day, we're all human. We need to interact with each other and that includes members ob both genders, yes. Glad you're doing better, Pdonner!
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

Offline Walnut

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2013, 04:43:07 PM »
Hello A1985, I wanted to stop and chime in. Im sorry you feel so much guilt from this. Technically you didnt cheat so thats a plus but how would your husband feel if you seen you flirting? I know I would be unhappy and probably pack her stuff and put it in his car as she would do to me also. The important thing here is its over with and you didnt do anything really bad. Forgive yourself and move forward. I personally dont do "guys night out" with my guy friends. I have a wife and children at home and time to get away from the kids is far and few between. So if I do get time to go out I take my wife. I dont like to be out partying and her at home with the kids. It just feels wrong. If my guy buddies wanna hang out we do cook outs at each others house.
The nightlife can take a toll on a marriage. Plus it gives room to temptation. I personally avoid at all cost.

The following comment is for future posters not you A1985.
Also, this is my opinion and if anyone  cares to bash me for how I live my life just keep it to yourself cuz Im not gonna give your opinion a second thought much less a read.
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I am horrible about forgetting which threads I have replied to. If you dont get a reply back from me feel free to message me.

My screen name used to be "Nutty" Ive been a member since 2008. I forgot what email I used back then so I cant login to my old name.

Offline tinam7

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2013, 07:25:17 AM »
Now I will take an unpopular position. If you love someone, are married, why not understand you can't go around behaving as if you are still single? Unless, of course, you and your husband agree to an open marriage.

At meditation this week our teacher ended with Gratitude for our ability to learn and grow. Lovely. We have that ability. Why not exercise it? Leave behind what was and move forward.
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Offline Walnut

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Re: Need someone to talk to: Extreme Guilt/Obsessive Thoughts over mistakes
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2013, 02:43:36 PM »

i agree with tinam7
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I am horrible about forgetting which threads I have replied to. If you dont get a reply back from me feel free to message me.

My screen name used to be "Nutty" Ive been a member since 2008. I forgot what email I used back then so I cant login to my old name.

 

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