This is my first message on this board.I need to post this because in my times of extreme anguish some of your posts helped me a great deal.I don't really know when my health anxiety started,I think it was lurking in the background for quite some time,but it got bad about 3 years ago.
My mother has breast cancer(she's ok now) and I was missdiagnosed with cystic fibrosis when I was 12 so I believe that was the start.I also have an extreme fear of death and dying and of life in general.Last week I had my first appointment with a therapist and she said I suffer from GAD,that I have psihotic and neurotic tendencies and some other stuff I don't remember.She said I need CBT,I hope that helps.
I had some health scares(melanoma,aortic dissection,breast cancer) but none of them rendered me useless like my HIV fear.You see, I was a promiscuos teenager.I don't understand it know,I'm deeply ashamed of myself,I regret what I did with every fiber of my beeing,but that's what it is.At 17 I meet someone and I am in a commited relationship ever since(I'm almost 27 now).The HIV fear was always with me,but somehow I managed to ignore it.Sometimes there was a year passing with just a minor thought.But that changed this year.I started to really think about it and it almost ruined my mental health.Non-stop thinking,analizing every encounter I had,searching for symtoms,reading stories of people that have it.I made myself sick,literally.Last week I ate close to nothing and even that I wasn't able to keep down.I started to think that this is it,I was starting to show symtoms.
For some time I managed to calm myself with the fact that it's been almost 11 years from my last possible exposure and that I should be sick,then I convinced myself I'm one of those late progressors(for me statistics mean nothing-I'm always afraid I'll be that 1%).And it goes on,and on and on,you know the drill.It was unbearable to think that I might have infected my boyfriend,how can you tell the person you love something like that?
So last week I decided to talk with a friend,find some comfort.She's the cut and dry type,not an avoider this one.She convinced me that untill I take the test I won't find relief and it will only get worse.This morning I got the result-I'm HIV negative.I don;t feel sick anymore,it's like I was carring the weight of the world on my shoulders and now I'm free.
Now I'm gonna say something that I haven't said to anyone so you can understand what's the point of this post.I had 19 unprotected vaginal intercourses and 1 unprotected anal with 10 man(don't judge).I'm only disclosing this so you can understand what high risk I was,and to give yo the courage to go get tested.If I am negative,chances are you are too.
Please,please don't wait like I did,it's not worth it.Do it for you,for your loved ones,for your sanity.This past weeks I was a shadow of myself and I thought I will never find the strenght to smile and enjoy life anymore.
Tonight I'm gonna eat a good supper,have a glass of wine and then sleep the best sleep in the last months.I really hope my post helped some of you,I hope it gives someone the strength to go get tested.
P.S. Please ignore my gramatical errors,I'm not a native english speaker and I haven't practiced my english for quite some time.