I've always been anxious, even as a child, with a tendency towards obsessions and feelings of doom. I was petrified of doing things wrong, of things going wrong or people being I'll, and everytime it was a happy occasion I would have this feeling that something would go wrong to balance it out.
One of the most severe examples was when I watched a reconstruction show about health emergencies, where a lady choked in a restaurant. I was 7. I didn't eat properly fir about a year after watching it because I just knew I would choke on something. I would eat mushy food, or chew it a million times before swallowing. I lost a lot of weight and my parents took me to lots of Drs and my school lunches were supervised. Then one day I just got over it. I have no idea why.
a few years later I became obsessed with dying. I was terrified of going to sleep. I also worried about my patents dying.
At university I began to suffer migraines (hereditary) but was convinced they were a brain tumour, or I was going to have a stroke. I had a Ct and an MRI and was given the all clear.
Then the panic attacks started. Not being able to breathe, suddenly feeking like the ground was moving, or I wasn't really there. I would wake up in a panic, unable to control my breathing and go back to sleep.
Then about 18 months ago I started to get in better shape ahead of my younger sister's wedding. I've always worked out, but I did more, wanting to look my best as maid of honor. I felt exhausted all the time, my muscles hurt etc. Easily explained by the excercise and diet, but I started to worry.
The anxiety got worse. I developed restless legs. I went to my doctor who did blood tests and said I was fine. I didn't believe it. I knew that something was wrong. Everything was going right for my sister but I was single. There must he a reason. I was to be the one who had something bad happen, but her life would be happy and she would have a family.
This way of thinking took over and my symptoms got worse. Tingling, aches and pains, stiffness, headaches. Trouble concentrating, feeling like I couldn't remember things. I started to avoid social stuff. I carried on working out but worried today would be the day my legs would collapse, of I'd faint etc. I had tingling in my hands, aching wrists, a tingling in my little fingers.
None of that happened but I started googling. Everything came up MS. I went back to the Dr in floods if tears. She did a quick Neuro exam and said I did not have it. No way. 2 weeks later I was back, worried again. She asked me loads of questions and said again that I did not have MS.
I became hyper conscious of my body. Every minor sensation sent me into a spin. The third time I went to my Dr she prescribed anti anxiety meds. But I refused to take them. I was scared of them.
she also referred me to a CBT counsellor. I went twice. I found it very stressful trying to get the time out of work, without explaining why I needed to be gone for most of the afternoon, and I found the counselor unsympathetic and I wasn't ready to be so clinical and confront my fears so abruptly.
Gradually things improved. I spoke to my mum and my sister about it (both in the medical profession) and I was able to see past my thoughts.
Then earlier this year I was having some back trouble and some sciatica. I went to a physiotherapist who did an exam and said she wanted my Dr to send me for a complete spinal MRI before she would treat me. Panicked, I asked why. She told me not to worry but there were a couple of things that made her think neurological problems. She told me specific terms I won't mention here but Google brought up MS and ALS. I had a meltdown and cried down the phone to my sister and asked another friend to pray for me.
I took the physio's letter to my Dr who said she would refer me but only for my peace of mind. The things the physio mentioned can be totally normal. However she did not test me for them herself.
I waited 6 weeks for spine and cervical spine MRI and nerve conduction on both arms. They all came back clear, apart from a bit of wear and tear to my neck but which was normal and should not cause symptoms. The Dr referred me to a neurologist 'to be sure'
This also made me worry. So I wasn't clear after all? After another 6 week wait I saw a very dismissive neurologist who seemed to think I was a total moron. He told me I did not have the signs the physio thought she found, I had restless legs and anxiety and it was highly unlikely I would ever have any neurological problems and to basically go away.
Ater that, I suddenly felt much better. It's been 5 months, but it's back. The aching tingling legs, the inability to concentrate, the constant fear that this is it. They'll realize they were wrong and I am dying.
Logically I know that I've been under a lot of stress at work and I am about to complete on buying my first house, on my own. I was advised to take out critical illness and payment protection insurance. Reading up on it has made me think about all the what it's again. If I can't work, there's no one to help me, I'm on my own, what will I do. I had to do a health screen interview and I started thinking, what if the diagnose me during this and refuse to insure me, my mortgage will be rejected. My life will be turned upside down, what will I do.
Yesterday I was at a dance class charity event. We danced fir 2 hours, I was a red, sweaty mess at the end. I wouldn't be able to do that if I was I'll right? But today, I'm aching from the workout, but I have these odd sensations in my mid back. A crackly, vibrating sensation that stops when I change position again. I feel it if I turn a certain way, or if I lie on my back. It's not in my spinal cord, it's like it's in the muscles just either side. If I lie on my back it's almost constant.
I'm trying to tell myself is something related to yesterday's excertions, but I googled, and all that comes up is MS l'hermittes sign? Except it's not a shooting down my spine when I bend my neck. It's a crackly vibration in my back. I cam feel it right across the middle. But i'm repeatedly bending my neck to see if anything happens.
I just want to be free of this.