Okay this is going to be a long post so I thank and appreciate any one who sits down and reads this whole thing. Long story short my psychological issues started last december before that I was "normal" It began with severe panic attacks which eventually tamed down and basically disappeared by around May. At the time from dec to around june I was an extreme hypochondriac, I use to have posts all the time about blood pressure, which I pretty much got over, still have semi high readings the first few times but i dont even care about it any more. So one day I was feeling low back in may and I thought I was slipping into depression, and that's when my new phase all began. I started thinking about 0119 and tried am I depressed blah blah none of which I would ever act upon. But I notice I was so obsessed and afraid of these thoughts and about depression that it didn't really make sense to me. I have nothing to hate my life over, I have great group of friends, family, job, do well in school, eat well, still have the urge and compassion for exercise. But I tell myself oh my god I hope I don't start ruminating and it triggers it and then I start having these depressive thoughts which naturally bring my mood severely down to the point where I get afraid sometimes and I want to be around my mom or sister. So my psychologists diagnosed me with Pure O, OCD, GAD, but doesn't think I have depression or at least def not major depressive disorder, I've done a massive amount of researching on Pure O and it seems like it fits me pretty well, I'm def afraid of the thoughts and feelings and constantly look out for them. I read that in order to get over these thoughts, you have to face and accept uncertainty, logically I know I will never commit 0119 but yet I have the thought racing through my head and I get scared when I do. Another thing I read is the more you laugh at the thoughts the less power you give them, and in hence you will learn to accept and let go. Any advice on how to get over this? I made my first own personal thought log ever today, it's a little different from a traditional one. These aren't all the thoughts, just the ones I can remember I ruminate over pretty constantly, tell me what you think and if I should reword my answers or the thought log a little bit.
Acceptance Thought Log
Learning to accept uncertainty, anxiety driven thoughts
-What if I start feeling sad or ruminating when Iím out with my friends?
So what I accept the risk that maybe Iíll start crying. And then cry a river with Justin Timberlake.
-What if I need to be hospitalized for major depression?
Okay that would be cool, Iíll have free breakfast, lunch, and dinner served to me!
-What if I start feeling sad, and canít shake the feeling?
I accept the feeling of sadness as a part of me, people make millions writing sad novels and movies (i.e. titanic)
-What if this doesnít work?
No biggie, than we could just sit and ruminate again all day until I start feeling sad again and then I can cry a river with Justin Timberlake and invite all the nurses over to bring me hospital food by the river.
-What if I canít take it anymore and commit 0119?
Iíll have a 0119 party where we just all stab ourselves to the death, the person to do it first gets a trophy on their coffin.
-What if I run out of my first math exam on tues because I start feeling an intense feeling of panic/sadness?
Make sure if you choose to do that to do an imaginary 360 dunk before running out to show the prof how good you are at basketball.
-What if I lose hope?
Then make sure you cry a river thatís longer than the Mississippi.
-What if I have to be put on antidepressants?
I donít care, I love it!!! Icona Pop, I love this song.
-What if I canít stop ruminating?
Have a ruminating contest with yourself and see how long you can ruminate for. Maybe youíll go pro in ruminating!
-What if I canít stop inspecting my mood?
Dr. Gadget probably inspects his mood all day, and he has his own tv show.
-What if Iím obsessed for the rest of my life?
Donald Trump is obsessive, maybe if you learn to obsess as much as he does, youíll be a billionaire like him.
-What If I start ruminating before I go to bed and then I wonít be able to fall asleep, or Iíll wake up constantly during the middle of the night?
Thereís plenty of people awake at every moment your awake too.
-What if I canít have fun anymore?
Who needs fun when you can have SAD parties where we pop downers all night.