I'm new to these forums, but I figure it can't hurt speaking to people that may have similar problems. I will try to make this kind of short. I'm agoraphobic which was caused by a fever that nearly killed me when I was 13, that's when my life got interesting. I don't think of my agoraphobia as a curse so much anymore. I feel confident that for the last 13 years I've pushed myself from never leaving my room for a year to owning my own house and somehow maintaining work while finally putting the confidence into myself where I'm getting film editing jobs which has always been my dream. Then in the past couple months everything started bringing me in a downward spiral.
I was with my ex-wife who was very supportive of my condition for the 10 years we were together. Now I'm in a new relationship which started out good but the fighting has gotten progressively worse and now happens every day. What truly affects me is that while I love her, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. When I don't understand or when I speak up for myself (which is extremely difficult) it starts a 4 hour argument. It causes me to always be tired at my job, I'm always mentally exhausted, and I find it hard to focus on all of my artistic goals. I find myself looking back to the 6 month period when I was single when I set up all of these great things for me, now I feel like the foundation is being torn out from under me.
She tells me I'm terrible at communicating and I've made a lot of effort even though it's hard but then I get yelled at for not caring. I've had instances where I've had stuff thrown at me, and one time I threatened to call the cops and she threatened back to frame me for beating her. The last time we fought she pulled out a knife and threatened to slit her wrists while screaming at me. I actually thought I could've died. I've actually never been more scared in my life for my situation and what consequences could be.
While I like the good things about her, the bad seem way too insane for me (and I haven't lived the most sane life). I've broken up with her 4 times which is the hardest thing to do once, imagine 4 times. I guess I'm not really asking for advice, just an outlet for someone to talk to since I don't want to talk to a local friend and have it get back to her. I will take advice if there's some alternative to letting go, whether it be wording or method.