I know that you have been checked out by doctors, but has any of them been a specialist in the field of anxiety?
You say that you don't think that you had an emotional connection with your Mom but you seem to have held on to many of the details for a long time . . . now, I am not a med professional, but you might only now be processing a sense of her leaving you . . . you seem to be in a way rather comfortable in your surroundings . . . your grandparents may moan and groan about you not going to college but you are at the age when you should not be relying on anyone else to motivate you but yourself . . . you say you don't know what you want to do in life . . . I don't belief one does something with life; I believe one lives life so how about this just as a suggestion to consider . . . . what are your interests? If you say, none, that's okay because often anxiety has the counterpart of depression but I would ask the follow up question . . .why not take some non-credit courses via the Internet to explore some interest areas? For example, MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) as well as many other top universities offer free courses . . . . it may not be the same as face-to-face, but it is a start? Or, is there a local college or university where you can take just one course to start to explore interests? If that does not appeal to you, how about volunteering time to get out and interact . . . it seems to me that you are becoming isolated . . . .
CBT is not for everyone and it does require commitment . . . .it is a process over time and not just a light switch event . . . I only wish recovering from anxiety were that quick and easy . . . but, if all you do is worry about your health, then you need to get distracted . . . how about volunteering? how about starting an exercise program . . . nothing dramatic . . . .take your Grandma for a walk and a cup of coffee . . . you say that your grandparents are deaf . . . .do they use sign language? do you know sign language? If so, I bet there are places that would welcome your skills . . .
Part of getting over dissociation is through professional intervention and part is by taking ownership and setting yourself small goals to refocus your energies . . . look, I'll be the first to say it isn't easy, but it definitely can be done . . . if CBT did not work for you, perhaps another strategy . . . . but the one thing that I can assure you, if you commit to whatever your strategy is, there is always a pathway back . . . it has speed bumps and it is frustrating but it is the only game in town . . . you don't want to be where you are, so chart another course . . . .and remember, Grandma and Grandpa can't force you to do anything . . . but you appear to be physically healthy, now take control and recover your mental health . . . . we will always support you the best we can . . . . we all understand the frustrations of anxiety; we all understand that health anxiety often is with us 24/7 until we start recovering; but we also understand that each person is an individual and we will not pass judgement on you . . . so rest assured, you are in a safe community because of who we are and also because our moderators do carefully monitor the postings to ensure that everyone feels welcomed . . .take care, keep in touch, you can do it . . . . KC