It's been a while since I posted on here. Basically I've been almost completely housebound for the past 4 years. At the beginning of this summer, I made the decision that I was going to make some changes in my life. The first change being my diet. I eliminated junk food and only drink water now. I still have a cheat meal every Saturday night, but that's it. I've lost nearly 30 pounds since July 1st. A few weeks after starting my diet, I began to exercise a bit. I just started out with riding a stationary bike for 10 minutes for the first couple of weeks, but I have now added a few more exercises since then. Since July 1st, I have forced myself to go outside every single day (except for 5 days, which I was sick). Since the beginning of August, I've been reading about panic attacks and agoraphobia everyday. Mostly about the teachings of Dr. Claire Weekes. However, in the last week, I started reading this book called "The Agoraphobic Workbook". And a little over a month ago, for the first time in over a year, I got in a car and actually went around my block. I can't go in a car as often as I'd like because my mom has to work during the week, but I make sure to get in and go every weekend.
Since I've begun reading daily, I've tried to do something I've never attempted before, and that's accepting the panic attacks. I've always tried to run from them (as I think we all have) since the beginning, but I don't know. I just don't want to live as a prisoner anymore. Maybe something snapped inside me. But anyways, I'm able to walk as far as I have while I've lived here, but I've kinda been stuck the last couple of weeks. Where I live, it's kind of like a dead end, and it's really only half a block. I can walk to the end of this "half block", and maybe go a house or 2 down, but that's when the real panic starts up and I have a hard time truly accepting. I'll stand there, take a few deep breaths, and try to "float past" the feelings of fear and not intefere with the feelings, but I'm having such a hard time accepting all of it. I accept the first few waves of anxiety, but once I really start getting dizzy and start shaking, all of those negative thoughts start racing in my head. I keep thinking "what if I'm too far from home and end up losing control and acting hysterical like I did a few times so many years ago?" The fear seems to be centered on losing control, and acting hysterical and embarrassing myself. Maybe even going insane. When I get in the car, I am now able to go about 3 full blocks from where I live, but even this past weekend was rough for me. I went the same route that I did the previous week, and last week was the first time I went that route and it ended up being easier than this week. This past weekend I kept noticing that I kept checking the distance from where we were in the car to where I lived. I was so occupied with that thought and the regular thoughts of losing control and embarrassing myself, that I didn't even get to properly practice accepting my panic attacks.
Sometimes its a bit frustrating and I get angry with myself because I feel like I'm not giving my all and I end up holding myself back. Just kind of thought I'd get these thoughts out there because I don't really have many people to vent this out to. Thanks for reading this.