Mainly fears that I will turn phycotic and hurt myself or someone.
I have recently watched a show about broadmoor which has terrified me
I am desperately worried that I will develop the same and loose control of my actions.
..........have read horror stories on the internet saying ssri's have turned people phycotic etc.
I'm scared to go off them because of side effects, but scared to stay on them for fear or psychosis,
Or maybe I already have it as I can't stop thinking about the possibility
I also fear that I will lose my feelings and empathy
I don't seem to have any feelings and cannot cry.
I'm afraid that these persistent awful thoughts are going to lead me to have some sort of phycotic break
I don't know how much more my brain can take?
Can I continue this way and stay sane?
I have broken down your story like that to show you just how much you are telling yourself HORROR stories.
It is no wonder you are at your wits end we all get scared listening to Horror stories and if I was listening to your horror story (IE: keep telling myself that story) I'd be at my wits end too. Can you SEE that every one of those lines (above in your quote) is a horror story? and every time you listen to that Horror story you are just scaring yourself a bit more?
ALL that you are suffering from here is you are starting to BELIEVE in a story - but the reality is ITS ONLY A STORY. There is not truth on in whatsoever (no facts apart from the bit about your father, but even that is very tenuous), however if you keep telling yourself this story then you will get ill but that's not because you're DOOMED to be psychotic, that bit is just horse sh*t. It is the listening to and believing HORROR stories that is making you ill.
I have no history of psychosis, but if I started listening to that story all day long I could see how it would make me ill, and I bet that goes for every person on this forum, telling ourselves that all day would start us all doubting ourselves and make us all start to question whether or not there MIGHT be any truth in this story, etc. and start making us ill.
You see the mind is a powerful thing and the more you give it something to concentrate on the more that thing expands, the more that thing FEELS like it COULD come true, so you have to be careful not to latch on to HORROR stories, because in our minds we make the stories bigger, more plausible, more frightening and because we see that they are frightening, we hope to god that they don't come true and then we start to question whether or not they will come true BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT THEM TOO
and all this does is make us ill and anxious and more vulnerable to............those frickin HORROR stories
So you need to forget this story you keep telling yourself, and think up a nicer one.
What you will find is, THAT IS HARD, especially at first. It's harder to believe in the nicer stories - as they are not as easy to believe in - why because they don't get your attention as easily. What you will notice is that the nastier ones are easier to believe in because they SCARE you more and the more SCARED
you are the better for grabbing your attention and ANYTHING that you give your ATTENTION to, anything that you CONCENTRATE hard on will expand - so just try not to give your attention to the nasty stuff and keep going back to the good stuff - in takes time because the nasty stuff keeps on getting your attention AND because you have trained your mind to look for the nasty stuff - but the more you train your mind to look for the nice stuff and turn away from the SCARY stuff the easier it gets.