I'm currently in my senior year of high school, I'm a generally happy person on the inside and outside - but, a year or so ago I noticed a weird dark side
to my character which has given my great
amount of unnecessary anxiety. It would be GREAT
if you would kindly take the time and read this through, and help me in any way possible
My father has horrible catastrophe thinking, he's a strong pessimist, and I think it might of shown itself in myself in a really dark way.
Overall I'm very optimistic, however I've developed a kind of thought process where if something good happens to me, I would think of the same "good" thing happening to me, but this time, in a much more dark and sinister way.
Allright, it's a bit hard to explain but I'll give you a real-life example.
I go to the gym on the regular, and I have a personal trainer there - extremely kind, and I respect him alot. Each time he compliments me on my progress, it makes me really happy.
As soon as that happiness subsides, and I'm away from him, I have NO IDEA why, but when I'm bored I seem to replay those events of me being complemented and turn them into something horrible. Like, I would visualize him complementing me and I would reply with "%$0213% you" or something horrible like that, which would practically destroy our relationship. Ok. Take it to the extreme, his wife recently became pregnant, and he was so happy about it, and so am I - but I would visualize me saying something horrible like "I hope your wife has a miscarriage"
It's horrible, I know - but hear me out
Me visualizing these sorts of interactions actually causes great amounts of anxiety for me, because I WOULD NEVER want to say anything like that to him EVER. I actually LOVE seeing other people be happy and succeed. I think from this strong emotional connection I have with this - my mind likes to do the exact opposite of my natural character and play events where I turn out to be sociopath, I have no idea why.
I have been thinking about this a lot, and I was thinking, maybe it's a realization about how fragile our relationships and interactions with other humans can be. I think it's the fear that one word, or one sentence can completely destroy someone's perception of another, and might even destroy everything that built up in their relationship. Perhaps because I have created such a great bond with someone, I like to constantly replay events, relating to this fear where I not only lose, that bond I have created but make the person I shared that bond with - to hate me.Sadly... It gets even worse.
My visualizations can turn violent inside my head, it seems, the more closer I am with a person. Take for example, my mother. If she's, say, boiling water in a large pan, I think to myself how easily I could lose someone I love so much, by simply throwing the boiling water onto her. OK, I know that sounds extremely screwed up, but please remember it's because I have so much love for my mother, that the anxiety these thoughts create in me are HUGE. This once again, rooting from, I guess the realization that something so precious and dear to you can be taken away in a single action, or like above, a single sentence. PLEASE
don't get me wrong, I would never, and I never have hurt somebody physically or verbally (It's a principle of mine to never say anything rude about anyone I know to somebody else).
And I think it's the fact that my visualizations are so DIFFERENT and the DIRECT OPPOSITE of who I am as a person, that it causes so much anxiety.
I really hope this doesn't get taken the wrong way. I really would rather not tell anyone about this in person, at the risk of me not being able to word it correctly and probably being labelled a psychopath.
Any help at all will be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you very much.