I am new to the forum (and to any online/off-line group of any sort relating to this) but am willing to give it a try and hopefully learn as well as help others from my past experiences.
At the young age of 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD after loosing a friend in an accident. Due to the nature of the accident, which I would prefer not to go into detail on, I lived with the guilt of his death for years and am in fact still dealing with it almost 8 years later. My life changed form that point on and was/never will be the same again. I still play over the events which happened and have only assumptions as to what went down. As it was a very public event, the negative attention on me was immense. According to my Psychiatrist at the time, due to my brain "blocking out" what happened and therefore trying to connect the dots, all the accusations towards me made my brain connect the dots as if they were all true which has in turn not only confused me for life, but also left me with a sense of guilt and confusion.
Since then I have seen Psychiatrists who have been uninterested and unmotivated to help me. My situation just never seems to be taken seriously yet it has only progressively gotten worse. The numbness associated with PTSD has been alleviated yet that was in fact the only defence mechanism which was, although not helping my recovery in the long run, still giving me a break from all the emotions which were inevitable.
I decided to leave my home country after a few years in an attempt to escape, however the temporary relief was overrun with fear of being isolated, another symptom I was dealing with from the PTSD. I could not sleep at night knowing that everyone was asleep and if I needed someone they wouldn't be there. I still am not sure why this effected me in this way but to this day I find it very difficult to sleep without a depressant such as alcohol, etc. This however lessened over time. When it was time to visit home again, about a week after I arrived, I had my first panic attack. From that point on I experienced them about 4-5 times a day until they slowly lessoned. Not knowing what it was at first I was so frightened that I was loosing my mind and going crazy. I thought I had a heart defect among many other things as I'm sure many of you can relate. I was in fact nearly diagnosed with a disease of the ear of some sort. Its side effects were vertigo and ringing in the ears. I lived with the fear of not knowing what it was for a week or two before being diagnosed with GAD.
I went on Zoloft and Xanax to help alleviate the symptoms of my now progressed Agoraphobia. I couldn't leave my house for about two months without having an attack. I couldn't relate to any of my friends or family as nobody could understand me. Still to this day I suffer from adverse affects of PTSD and GAD. I eventually felt so disconnected and dizzy from the Zoloft that I stopped. The brain zaps lasted almost a month and again made me wonder if I have a serious mental health problem.
I am proud to say that I have been off Xanax and Zoloft for the last 6 moths and my weight has returned to normal. I do however, feel disconnected at times and sometimes get the first symptoms of a Panic Attack without having the actual attack which, although sounds silly, can sometimes be even more scary then the attack itself as it is unexplained. At least with an attack one knows what is happening. These symptoms could be from anything.
Today out of all the days so far I am more disconnected then ever. I feel although I have been disconnected all year, maybe longer. I feel as though my life is turning into a blur with the only "clear and vivid" memories being before the accident. I feel as though I am and have just been drifting through life without actually living. All the good times that I have had the privilege of experiencing I feel are slipping away and that one day they will be non existent.
I am not sure what I am expecting from sharing my story, but if someone can relate and help me understand what I am going through, I would appreciate it more then you could ever know. I am strong at heart and strong in my head. I have dealt with the past well and am confident I will make peace with it when I am ready. I just want to know that one day I will feel normal again, like I did before all of this.
Thanks in advance to anyone who took the time to read my story.
Love to you all