Hi, I am here obviously for OCD, the thing that tries to take over every little task I do. I wanted to ask though, if anyone here's OCD was quite like mine, because I have never really seen anyone talk about something too similar to what I experience with OCD, and it would be nice to know i'm not alone
So basically my OCD is fueled by whatever I am anxious about at the time. Right now with my hypochondria acting up and me being afraid of having cardiac issues day in and day out, my OCD mainly focuses on this. For me, in order to feel "protected" I guess, I have to make everything feel "right" or "perfect" when I do it. for example I will be in the bathroom washing my hands normally, then all the sudden my brain goes "IF YOU DON'T TOUCH THE SOAP DISPENSER UNTIL IT FEELS 'RIGHT' YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK TODAY" So what do I do? I stand there tapping the soap over and over until it feels mentally "just right" and I feel safe. Basically, this happens 10000 times a day with almost anything I touch. Getting papers out of my backpack? Tap them til it feels right before you even DARE think about removing them from your backpack. On my phone listening to music? Tap the pause/play button til it feels right before you even TRY to listen to that song. Reading a book? Quick, look at the page number a few times until you get it just right and then resume reading. Make a mistake typing? Retype the word over and over again until it feels just right before proceeding to the next word. I am guessing you can sense a pattern here
Really, there is no set number of times I have to tap or touch or open/close things, I just have to do so until it feels right. I know I've done it just right and can stop and move on when the anxiety is gone. sometimes it takes longer than other times. It gets to the point some days where pretty much EVERYTHING I open/close or touch must be "OCD'd" so I can go about my day and not worry that I will meet my doom. Now, this isn't my only obsession. Sometimes it's also "if you don't do this till it feels just right you/a loved one will be hurt" or "You will turn into someone completely different than yourself and lose your passions in everything important to you" In fact as I type this, I am backspacing my mistakes thoroughly and this sort of thing drives me bonkers!!
The annoying thing is I know this is all illogical because as I type this, I marvel at how ridiculous it all sounds. But, in the heat of the moment, when my brain says to "TAP THAT UNTIL IT FEELS OKAY OR ELSE" I feel as though I must obey. It's so frustrating! I sometimes spend MINUTES on a small task that would only take any other person seconds, such as leaving a room or washing my hands. It takes up a lot of time that I don't need to use on my OCD rituals but yet I can't seem to stop. I try to resist the urges when im feeling brave sometimes but within seconds I feel so anxious and guilty that I give in and continue to do the rituals as "instructed". They are so hard to resist because it feels as though they aren't even coming from my mind the way they pop up, it almost feels as though another "entity" of some sort has picked me to torture daily with stupid little tasks that I must do to ensure I go on living. UGH!
Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else here has OCD experiences similar to mine? I ask because usually people talk of locking doors or having to make things an even number, whereas mine focuses on repeating actions until I feel just right and the anxiety (very briefly) goes away. I guess I'm a bit of a repeater in a way
My repetitions can sometimes be mental too, such as repeating a word I am thinking or certain images before I can let them go. anyone else the same?