you might wanna print your post and show it to your pdoc, explaining your position in the same way you explained it to us?
I think it's like with other scary intrusive thoughts. Like for example thoughts/ fear of hurting your loved ones. It won't happen. It gives you terrible anxiety. Makes you feel like a horrible person. Brings up feelings of guilt... But it's just fear.
What took power away from my thoughts was just letting them be. Let them buzz in the background of your thought process. They can't hurt you. They don't deserve to have all the attention. I tried blocking them in the past. Failed. Tried replacing them with 'good thoughts'. Intrusions came back with vengeance.
While you wait for your meds to start working, maybe think about intrusive thoughts as simply symptoms? Like when you have flu, you don't feel guilty about fever and analyze it into infinity, do you?
These things take time.
This section of the forum has many helpful topics, so I'd reccomend reading through.
If you should feel the need to take any extreme measures (like taking your own life), that's different then. In that case don't hesitate to seek professional help right away.
What else? Confide in yourself, confide in your pdoc and keep writing about it if it helps.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Take care!