Okay, I decidded I would sum this up a little better so it's easier to understand and get through.
In a nut shell I suffer from Pure O obsessional thoughts that come in episodes. (Does this happen to anyone else?) so meaning, I'll go 3 months being happy and obsessional thought free, then go through a period where I'm dominated by them. Every time it happens theres this huge fear and thought in my head "What if it doesn't go away this time? What if it just stays and you get these thoughts every second of everyday day for the rest of your life"
I also keep obsessing over, "OMG, is this ME, am I the one doing this?" because it seems like the moment I'm getting a clear thought...Like I get caught up in a movie or a conversation, I Purposely notice it and start thinking the thoughts again! Then I also start obsessing over "OMG, yes this has gone away so many times...nearly a million times over the past ten years, but what if this time its different? What if this time it STICKS, what if this time this episode doesn't actually go away and you just get STUCK thinking all the things constantly everyday for the rest of your life until you cant even have a moment of clear thinking and you just can't take it anymore and BAM you feel like you want to kill yourself."
Anyway, do any of you guys have your OCD in episodes like mine, and on top of that, do you think it's possible for an episode to turn into a permanent state of mind? Is it possible to train my mind to just think these thoughts and do these things 24.7? Do you think this episode will just stay? I don't know...I don't even know what to think or what's possible anymore. I'm wondering if because humans are creatures of habbit, if I keep thinking these thought so much, will my mind just accept this as a new way of thinking and do it forever. Because I get so creative with my thoughts, I even create new ones to obsess about on purpose just to see if they will STICK.
What do you guys think?