Hi, I am a 17 year old high school student from The Czech Republic - I am sorry for my English - and I feel very bad about things I did as a child and I think I have OCD now.
I have always been interested in nature, especially in insect, plants and animals. As a child I played with ants, grasshopers, snails, fish, chickens and lizards. I cought them and put them into boxes and I watched them. It was so amazing! But sometimes I did experiments with them (now I know how horrible it was! ). I cougt grasshopers and put their legs off for example. Or sometimes I put bees into water, slugs into salt and then I burned them or I freezed wasps in a freezer. I even cought a bee and a grasshoper and I let the bee to stung the grasshoper and I was watching how it is slowly dying. It is so horrible and sad that I did those things to the poor little creatures. I feel disgust by myself! When I was older (about 12) I was playng with chickens of my grandfather. I cought one and I brought the chicken in the yard - where was our dog! I don´t know why but I felt quite excited about watching the dog chasing the chicken. The dog cought it and started to bite it - again and again. I screamed I tryed to safe the chicken but the dog was faster. Tere was nothing I could do. I cryed very hard because I became a murderer. I hate myself, even 5 years after. In fact I love nature and plants and animals. I breed fish, shrimps and frogs I also have budgies, cats and dogs and I love them so much. After the "accident" with the chicken I decided to protect animals and plants because now I know that life is the most expensive thing in the world. But I still feel very bad about myself I feel like a killer and bad person. It is not only thing that I am worry about.
About 3 years ago I was planting flowers with my granny (I love her so much!) and and ssuddenly the thougt about hiting her with a spade came up. I was horrified and felt very very bad for it. Since that moment I have those thoughts about hurting my family members and other people (even pets!). Everytime I see a knife, something sharp etc, I am afraid thatt I will hurt someone. I tis worse when people I love are close to me. I really love them, but I feel safer when Theky are not with me. A few keks ago I have started to think about biting people (!). For example: When I am giving a hug/kiss to my mom I feel very nervous that I will bite her or kick her etc. Then I sey mysem that i tis only in my head and I am not going to do that, but I just can´t stop those feelings. I am very terrified that I am going to do something really bad or I become a seriál killer like Adam Lanza for example. I think I am mad. Also dirty words come to my mind when I am thinking about people I love. For example: I am waiting for my sister and I speak to myself: „Where she could be?“ but I imagine that I am saying: „Where that bith cold be!“, it totally disgust m eso I started to repeat: „I love my sister, I have to protect her, I will never hurt her“, again and again. I just feel very stressful when I am with my family, I feel weird feeling in my mouth when the thoughs about biting them came up. Ist´s horrible. Gardening and aquaristing make me feel happy and better. Sometimes it is better but sometimes not. I don´t know what to do. Please help me!
Thank you for reading! I hope you have understood my bad English and you know what I am trying to explain to you.
P.S. – I was diagnosed with Aspergers´s syndrome with ADHD traits at age of 12. I went to a psychiatric doctor and took Zoloft for 3 years because I was bullied.