So I just want to see if there is anybody out there who's had similar experiences to mine. I feel like mine are a little different than the average person and I'll explain why in a minute.
Sine I was roughly 14 I've been battling very strange bouts of extreme anxiety brought on by Obssessive unwanted thoughts. It all started in my first high school year. I remember feeling really anxious one week and ended up having several strange thoughts. These thoughts consisted of me picturing all the tree's outside my house on fire, images of my parents having sex, thoughts of hurting myself or hurting my family. Anyway, these thoughts did not give me any joy at all. In fact, they freaked the 0100 out of me to the point where I thought "OMG, what's wrong with me, am I going crazy? I might end up doing some of these things." Shortly after that my mind would go into "OMG stop thinking these things, how do I stop, I'm trying to focus on other things but it's not working!!! Why wont it stop!!"
Anyway, as I'm sure you can understand, going through these constant thoughts and not just the thoughts themselves but the worry, fear, and anxiety they would provoke was hell. It got to a point where I would go outside and every person walking on the street I would picture their faces being cut or hurt. I was at work looking at my computer screen and I'd be picturing these thoughts. I literally thought I was going CRAZY.
I would tell my mom the truth about these thoughts and for some reason they never really seemed to worry or freak her out much. I think because so many people in our family suffer from different kinds of anxieties and depression. My mom herself had a nervous breakdown in 1996. Based off of what I know though, I'm the only one with OCD. Everyone else has GAD and just the normal regular stuff. To me GAD is far more normal than OCD.
Anyway, during this time I would be getting these thoughts nearly every minute of the day to the point where I couldn't sleep, couldn't even watch a movie!!!! Can you imagine how vexing that could be? My mom had the belief that my lack of eating (because I would completely stop eating and loose my appetite, and my not sleeping (I'd go nights upon nights not slepeing) was contributing to this. When this would happen my whole family would come together almost like a cohesive team and unit. My mom would force me to eat, my dad would pep talk me every night, and they'd make sure I was sleeping. Oddly enough, after about a week maybe two the symptoms would literally and I mean LITERALLY disappear. It was so wierd.....it was like this on or off switch.
Anyway since grade 9 and that was literally 10 years ago this has happened to me about 20 times. I would say this happens to me about two or three times each year. At least that's been the pattern. And again, for some reason, each time it just attacks me endlessly for a week or two and then disappears as if it was never there.
My doctor is great. He's seen both my mom since she was a child, and me as well. In fact, he delivered me at birth. Having said that, we're very close. In fact, he's the first person I came out to as being Gay. Throughout these 10 years he's been a real cornerstone in my therapy. Each time it would happen I would see him, we would talk, and he was work in conjunction with my mother to help me get better. The thing is, he is not the type of doctor to jump to medications. Though he is not a mental health provider and a regular family physician, he knows A lot about mental health. His wife is a doctor as well and happens to be the director of psychiatry at another hospital nearby. Anyway, medication has not been something he's ever given to me and I personally have never wanted to try it either just out of fear that it could make me worse which my doctor says is always a possibility with these medications as they all have such serious side affects.
The one prescripton he did give me however, was Colonzopam. Not sure if I spelt that right but it's basically just a tranquilizer drug. It's not an anti-depressant or SSRI. It's a lot simialr to ativan for those of you who are familiar to that. The drug just puts out the fire. So when your feeling really anxious and uptight you take it and it calms you right now. I guess it works on your nervous system and just makes you feel calm, relaxed, and you usually just want to sleep. It's almost like being high. I've had that drug now for about 2 or three years and I would only use it each time it got really bad and I felt like I needed it.
Anyway, This time which is what brings me here seems to be bad. I keep getting these thoughts, not only are they the ordinary intrusive thoughts about being cut, being hurt, sexual nature etc etc, but now I'm obsessing about obsessing if that makes sense. I keep thinking to myself, "OMG, if it's been possible for you to think these thoughts so often, what else could you get STUCK into doing? So now it's almost like I'm getting CREATIVE with it, then I started to say, "Imagine everytime someone talked or everytime you watched a movie you just repeated everything they said inside your head?" So now I started to do that a little bit. Then I started to think, "Okay, what if everytime someone talked you made a mental picture for certain words they use, like for intance, someone says 'hey I'll be right back I'm just going downstairs to get a can of pop' and then I start picturing a can of pop" Basically I'm just trying ALL different kinds of things and seeing if it's possible to drive myself so crazy that I have no clear state of mind. I'm not sure why I'm doing this and now I'm starting to wonder, is this the OCD, or is this now me purposely creating all these different thought possibilties because I'm so afraid of it and trying to test it?
I also keep obsessing over, "OMG, is this ME, am I the one doing this?" because it seems like the moment I'm getting a clear thought...Like I get caught up in a movie or a conversation, I Purposely notice it and start thinking the thoughts again! Then I also start obsessing over "OMG, yes this has gone away so many times...nearly a million times over the past ten years, but what if this time its different? What if this time it STICKS, what if this time this episode doesn't actually go away and you just get STUCK thinkign all the things constantly everyday for the rest of your life until you cant even have a moment of clear thinking and you just can't take it anymore and BAM you feel like you want to kill yourself.
Anyway, do any of you guys have your OCD in episodes like mine, and on top of that, do you think it's possible for an episode to turn into a permanent state of mind? Is it possible to train my mind to just think these thoughts and do these things 24.7? Do you think this episode will just stay? I don't know...I don't even know what to think or what's possible anymore.