Okay. I just stumbled upon this website while drinking and discussing my sick thoughts with someone. Basically, I feel completely unhinged from reality and any type of social standing. I am an outcast, yeah, but part of me wants to stay that way while the other wants nothing more than to just go out and be social. But, I can't. I try. But I can't. Like, I get so wrapped up inside my head with the what if's and possibilities that half the time I simply miss an opportunity to speak up. I don't really have friends to begin with and I feel myself slowly alienating those I have to the point where I'm just going to be some angry hermit in a hole in the ground. As if these social thoughts and worries weren't enough, I also have found myself, over quite a few years, letting my mind drift to quite violent thoughts and fantasies. I even will go so far as to plan out alibis and methods of murder and such things. I can realize how wrong these thoughts are, but at the same time....I kind of don't want them to stop...I enjoy them, in a way. I haven't acted on them, obviously, otherwise I don't think plastering this stuff online would be a very logical means of avoiding capture...but...a few years ago, a former friend of mine committed a really upsetting betrayal and well..I was in an argument with my girlfriend at the time and before I knew it, I had a switchblade in my hand and I was walking over to this former friend's house. I don't know if it's time that has made me forget or just my own mind suppressing it, but I know I was stopped by my girlfriend at the time and I think I threw away the blade. I think this is the only instance in which I have ever "acted upon" my own thoughts. I let my mind wander but I've never drawn blood from anyone but myself... I have depression, crohn's disease,anxiety, and I was also sexually abused as a child, if that in some way helps guide your opinion....
Honestly, I just want to know what's going on in my head. I'm so judgmental and negative upon myself that I really have no way of figuring up from down with my mind. I have only been this open with my girlfriend and she tells me I'm normal but I feel like she's biased..or maybe even afraid?
I hate myself. I just want to be happy with who I am and not feel so demented.