I have been seeing a therapist for anxiety for about three months and although I am comfortable working with him, I am afraid to share some feelings. Specifically, I have been having some passing thoughts of hurting myself for a little over a month. At first I didn't think much about it as the thoughts I was having were what I would consider typical when exploring my feelings of why I have been the way I have.
Unfortunately, the past 2 weeks, the feelings have been more frequent and they are lasting longer than they ever have. In the past 4 days, I have cried everyday for no apparent reason and every night I cry myself to sleep. I have been dealing with some very strong things from my past in therapy and my biggest problem is I have fears about letting others down or failing. My therapist believes this may stem back to when I was 18 and my mother unexpectedly passed away from heart failure. My fear of failure stems from the fact that I was there when it happened and I tried to save her life using CPR. I have been hiding my thoughts for 17 years and I had something trigger everything several months ago which made me seek out therapy due to the unexplained physical ailments I was experiencing.
I know I don't want to hurt myself and I know it is not the right solution but I am almost obsessing about it which is making it worse for me. I know my family would be supportive and helpful but this is not something I want to put on them right now as it might scare them. I have tried reaching out to some friends to see if they have some time to get together and all of them have plans which I don't want to ruin because I want to talk to them. I don't see my therapist again until Wednesday so my question is when do I know it is time to seek emergency assistance?
I guess I am also afraid to tell my therapist or anyone else because I have this fear in the stigma of being taken away in a straight jacket although in my mind I know it is not the case of what will really happen. I just think that I will be labeled a certain way and others will view me as "damaged" and act differently around me. I don't have any type of plan to hurt myself but rather more frequent thoughts and it is very scary to know that I am actually thinking about these things. I just want to get better but I am afraid of how I will be treated and embarrassed about everything.