I know this subject has been discussed before but I have been having a few intrusive thoughts the past few days that feel more strong than before and they're scaring me more. I have been deep in constant worry about everything for months now, and really feel that maybe these thoughts are here because I am mentally exhausted and want the "source" of the anxiety to go away.
So one would be self harm in a bad way, just a few thoughts here and there that come out of nowhere and as someone else on this board once said they are "strong, sudden and realistic." That was a great way to explain them. One of them came about because I have been feeling attacked by my in laws and blamed (well not feeling it, they are actually DOING it in emails and yelling at me in person etc.) for having anxiety etc. I have been feeling sad and empty, like a loser and an annoyance and a burden. I also have made my daughter anxious and I feel so much guilt over that. I feel guilt for needing help, for needing my husband, for being a pain to everyone. My SIL had written me an email which said, "I think you just want to hurt everyone." It was SO hurtful and I internalized that message and really felt so blamed for just being scared and anxious and worrying. My MIL yelled at me saying I'm "wasting my life".
So I feel this guilt and hopelessness that I can get better or get fixed, but it's also affecting my sense of self worth, where I feel I have nothing to offer anymore and I'm destroyed by my mental problems.
The other intrusive thought that came about was about my daughter because she's young and very active and wants to be near me constantly. I feel guilty for not always wanting to play or watch kids shows (what parent wants to all the time, though?) I am obsessed with her health and safety to the point where I will call poison control if she happens to eat or drink something that was left out more than 4 hours because I'm so scared of her getting sick. If she gets a bump or bruise, I start panicking. (She had a bruise on her side after school and I worried that she'd fallen and no one had told me or that someone had abused her etc.) Then I started think about diseases. Her elbow hurt so I start thinking disease. She fell and banged her leg and I was up most of the night obsessed that she would get worse in her sleep since it hurt a lot when she went to bed. I even thought about sleeping next to her (then reasoned that that wouldn't help anyway.)
I now have those intrusive thoughts of harm that pop in and feel all real and weird and they're absolutely opposite to what I believe and want. I would do anything to keep my child safe and I think and worry about her all day long. I am exhausted from all this worry. When she comes to me, I practically have a panic attack because I'm so scared that I won't be able to make her happy or give her everything she wants. I almost fear saying "no" about anything, and realize that I have already indulged her too much and bought her too many toys etc. I'm actually overdoing the "love" to the point of obsessiveness and not being able to be the parent I need to be. Like when we go to a store with a toy section and she wants to look at toys, I feel this horrible sense of anxiety come over me because I can't afford any more toys and I hate standing around for 15 or 20 minutes while she looks at toys and I'll feel GUILTY that I can't buy more while at the same time knowing that I shouldn't buy more because constantly buying them is not right. So I have this intense panic about it and I also feel Guilty if I say "No, we're not going to look at toys today." I am in conflict all the time, constant unending worry worry worry worry.
Is this where thoughts of harm come from? I am so protective and obsessed about my child that I get scared of any thoughts of harming her even though I know they're from my OCD and they're not something I'd ever do. I do get scared because of stories of people "snapping" and doing stuff, and I do not want to harm me or anyone else. I live with this unbearable guilt for already having harmed everyone in the family with my problems and teaching my child to be anxious.
Is there hope? I just started Celexa for OCD and saw a psychiatrist yesterday (but we didn't have enough time to talk about the intrusive thoughts with everything else going on with me and it was a first visit and just an hour. I see her again in a month.) I talked to my old psychologist and he was saying that these are intrusive thoughts and I know this and if I feel I will ACT on anything to go to the hospital. Thing is, I don't know anymore because i don't trust my own mind anymore. I seem to go from one thing to another and I'll have a real feeling thought that will come and go in a blink and I'll be "normal" again. they scare me so bad my legs go all jelly and I get sweaty and panicked.
I have never felt so lost before. I was in the hospital when I was 17 for a bad bout with anxiety and panic but never as an adult. I know that in the hospital you get to see a doc like once a week and the rest of the time they just try to keep you busy and medicate you. I don't even know how that would help me. I don't really want to be with other sick people because I also get scared of their sicknesses and that increases my anxiety.
I need a doctor who understands OCD. I am going to search one out. I have hardly any money but need help now.
Anyone ever feel despairing because they have these thoughts and can't seem to control their minds anymore? (My therapist said it was like after a mom has her baby, and I did have intrusive thoughts then and always seem to have thoughts about her being harmed by someone else but most of the time the thoughts aren't me doing the harm, those are very rare and scare me the most.)
I know I have read over and over that if you react to the thought with hatred and panic then you're extremely unlikely to carry it out because it is against your ego, but that doesn't make me feel better.