I'm not sure if I am posting in the right place or not. I've been a part of this place for a few years now mostly on HA board, sometimes relationships. This time though it's not to easy.
I have a horrible memory and when it comes up I literally start to sweat. Years ago I had to stay with my sister and her husband for a few months. They had a dog, a rottweiler. I love dogs. Love them. He used to get into the garbage because they were careless and left things in it that dogs love. They knew he discovered how to open it but they figured yelling no at him would teach him. Dog people know that if a dog does something you don't want them to do then you need to catch them doing it to correct them. You can't tell them hours later and assume they know what the heck you are mad at. Dogs do behave differently when the owner is mad and so that makes people think "Oh he knows what he did wrong". Wrong. Wrong. Anyway I was in the shower one day when my sisters husband came home & found the garbage strewn about in the kitchen. Oh how I wish I could remember why I didn't clean it up...did I see it? Had I gone in that way? Had it happened when I was in the shower? Anyway My sisters husband yelled at this poor dog and I think he beat him with a broom because I heard sounds and heard the dog whimper. I was getting out of the shower & stood there in horror. Tears streaming down my face because I was scared fr this dog and yet there I stood. I could have yelled out to him to stop but I was afraid. He was a violent person and although I didn't fear for my own safety I don't think... I feared for my sisters and my boyfriend at the time. This man is.....evil is all I can say. I cowardly feared for what stories/lies he would make up to tell people about me if I got on his bad side. I guess I did fear what he would do if I went out there to stop him.
That was more than 20 years ago. They are divorced, he took the dog away when he left one day & my sister never saw him again. Obviously he didn't find a good home for him. Another thought I am still not strong enough to face...
After all these years this memory surfaces and makes me cry every single time. It was a terrible time in my life ( which is why I had to stay there in the 1st place) He also dragged my sister down the stairs by her hair one time..again I stood there and did nothing. I was in shock and crying and scared and God help me..I just in all my life would have bet that if faced with these events that I WOULD fight him for my sister , fight him for that dog....and I didn't.
What do we do with horrible memories like this? How do I live with these memories?
Please don't judge. It was a lifetime ago and I am not that person anymore. I was scared, yes. I should have stopped him yes. But I didn't. How do I live with this? That poor dog. My sister has since moved on and forgives me-she never wanted me to intervene because she knew how bad it could be. But she's never held it against me...never even considered that I should have stepped in. But I should have. I should have saved that poor dog from what he was doing to him. I should have taken his hands off my sister. I should have called the police.