I was diagnosed with OCD and depression a few years back and I have been through quite a hell of a ride. I have had many different "themes", such as the fear I may be a psychopath, child abuser, schizophrenic, narcissist, solipsist, etc. I'm finding it really hard to go on at the moment and to be honest, I don't really know why. I guess it starts with what I believe may be a "scientific awakening". I have been reading various articles online about the reality of life (life in general, not just human life), and life seems very bleak and hostile. I have been "obsessing" over this for months now, trying to come to an objective answer. I seem to have concluded that the only true purpose in life is to pass on genes. We are unimportant, mere biological machines. This has sent me into further depression. I have read the only purpose in all emotion is the procreation of life and survival of genes/offspring. For instance, love is to create a bond between mother and her offspring. That's where it originates from.
I can't find any reason why life IS "beautiful", or why I should be happy, if that is not what the intention of life or evolution is. I have spent the last few months obsessing over morality and ethics. I considered myself a very moral person before but are morals natural? Isn't life just about surviving. Isn't compassion and empathy unnatural? I like to think not, but what is they are? Do we really have control over our lives or is free will an illusion. If free will is an illusion then surely that justifies murder and injustice?
I'm sorry for my incoherent ramblings. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I question the integrity of kindness. Evolution says kindness and altruism cannot exist - in their purest forms. Everything an animals does it to secure its survival. Even a charitable act can be reduced as self-serving. It appears to me that life is cruel and indifferent. There's no reason in anything we do but the transferal of genes.
I can't see why I should want to live. I had no option of being born, I have no control over the operation of my mind or body, I am just flesh. I feel even if things do pick up for me that I would just be avoiding the truth. I used to love music, but not it makes no sense to me. Songs about love seem stupid and false. I keep searching for reassurance that life can be good, but every time I come across something which suggests the opposite.
Another thing is I am currently studying biology. I am wondering whether I should drop out because it might be triggering my thoughts? But I enjoy biology and science - normally.